It was my first Pharmacology lecture when it all began.
The professor who held the lecture was the first person ever to make me think of the way I’d be after ages.
He was grey and white. I was thinking. I was over-worried. He got me thinking of getting old and grey. I could see he felt backache every time he bent down trying to explain some point. Well, may be it wasn’t clear but I could feel it in my heart. I wasn’t focusing on the lecture. I started scratching my book with my new pen. I thought that doing this would lower my stress. I left college without attending lectures after pharmacology.
I went to the store, and asked for cigarettes. Yes, cigarettes. I bought 5 packets. I was thinking that I am hyper-allergic to the smell of cigarette’s smoke. For some reason I didn’t figure out, I was sure that I was right. I added a lighter. I paid.
Still, there was something bugging me. I was confused. But I certainly took a decision that I don’t want to get old and grey. Don’t want to feel backache as I lay down or get up. Don’t want to look that way somehow. The wrinkles on my skin would make me look super-ugly. I don’t want to be in a risk that my heart may arrest at any time.
I was walking the streets while thinking. I took a cigarette, put it in my mouth and lit it. I was asking myself “Am I sure?!” and “why smoking?! “ But I didn’t find an answer. I am smelling smoke and I can’t tolerate it. I don’t want to cough now. I kept smoking. I coughed. I started coughing hardly, but nothing could stop me. The anger took over me. I smoked more. I coughed even harder. People in the street were staring at me. There were telling me to stop, but in response, I was screaming “It’s none of your business. Leave me alone!!”
But rapidly, I fell on the floor. I woke up in the hospital to find my family and friends around me. I could see a hundred questions inside their heads. The doctor told me that I had to think carefully before I do something like this. They don’t know how bad my day was.
And in the end, maybe people don’t want to die, because they don’t want to leave this world. Because they are .not strong enough to leave it! Though, they don’t want to get old and grey, they go through it
10:03
Mon, Feb11, 2013
Ilham A. Al-Khatib
(Feel free for critique)
"to make me think of the way I'd be after ages"
Ok this line is a little awkwardly worded. Try saying: "to make me think of the way I'd be after age struck me" or something along those lines. Just with the way you phrased that line, your meaning is a little confuffled.
"he was gray and white. I was thinking. I was over-worried"
Ok, fragment sentences can be used effectively in short stories most the time, although here it works a little against you because you just have a few to many. Try saying: "He was gray and white, I was thinking, but I was just over worrying." It sounds a little more fluid that way.
I think you have an excellent ending, I love the way your bring closure to this piece, however you need to explore the topic of becoming old and grey and how that inspires fear in the narrator. So much so that it would drive him to smoking, which strikes me as odd because it doesn't seem like that he has any motivation to fall back on smoking. Definitely try to work on that build up towards that great conclusion, explore a little more debating in the narrators head as to why becoming old and grey is just such a horrid thing to happen. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thank you so much for your time in reading and reviewing my piece.
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I'll try to work it better next time
Thanx again
Okay, I like the way this feels.
It seems like a good start for a book.
It's a little bit repetitive in some spots, and that's not ideal.
A few more paragraphs might help it a bit as well, some of them really feel like they're just a series of jerky sentences strung together.
But, I like the way this seems to be going.
It would make a good intro for a book.
Ummm maybe... nice idea !!
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Thank you
Hmm. I kind of liked the idea here, and I think this has the potential to be poignant. However, the story needs more extrapolation; right now it goes way too fast, not leaving any time for the reader to feel emotion. It's too abrupt; slow it down, give more thoughts of the character.
Also, the writing style here is a bit repetitive. For instance:
All start with "I" and are similar lengths. Try to vary that a little.
That said, here are a few sentence-level corrections:
I don't think the phrase "after ages" is the right one.
What, exactly, were you thinking?
There should be another comma after "clear."
The comma isn't necessary here.
I don't think you need this line.
There doesn't need to be an apostrophe after "cigarette."
You changed tense here to present.
I don't think this needs a comma.
Well, that's all. I like the idea and think it could be a good story if you slowed it down and added more emotion. Good luck with any future stories!
Thank you so much for reviewing... I'll try to correct more and slow down
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