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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
This is beautifully tied together from start to finish. Although at first I thought gushing from pipes meant something a little more post-puberty, especially with 'rust,' I realized I was reading too much into it when he was checking for leaks in the basement. It has a really nice turn in it too, from memory to now, and how your speaker is still struggling to get past this difficult time in their life. I really love how you describe peeling off socks. It's so vivid without that much real detail!
If you want to improve something in this poem, I would go for the last stanza's overall look. You could easily make it visually appealing and windy by stacking it down and out. I understand that YWS doesn't really assist in visual aspects of poetry, but I would love to see this handwritten and trailing that last wonderful line out across the page losing the line and curling off like a leaf on the breeze.
This is just a comment: Where's your new stuff? Come on lovely, submit something >3
Hello there Hannah! Tucker here with your review today. Ok, to start of congratulations for submitting to the poetry contest! Things are looking really tight this year, lots of excellent poetry. Your piece certainly doesn't cease to impress, as always just excellent imagery. You do a good job connecting the ending back to the top. Please note that all comments I give you are nit picks to an extreme level, because all the writing is so good i have to be nit picky
. Let's dive in now shall we?
"Euphony is the wind through my bathroom"
Ok, great image to start the poem off with, drawing the readers interests in. Except "Euphony" sticks out like a sore thumb, I think if this were to work it would have to be "euphoric." I may be totally wrong, but in all the examples I've seen "euphony" used is it's a euphony of.... yada yada yada. So that first line is a tad bit awkward.
"I am gooseflesh and nothing until the gush from the pipes"
I'm not quite sure I really get this line and what you're trying to say. What it rolls off as: "I have all my hairs standing up and nothing until the gush from the pipes," Grammar wise it just doesn't make much sense to me, maybe try to throw in a comma in there. Which I would suggest you apply when completely necessary to the rest of your piece. Unless having no commas greatly add to your writing. I like the use of "gush" in this line, smooth and seems natural. Well done in that regard.
"that means later I'll pick off the rush from my skin"
Oh man, just such a good line, such great imagery and word choice. It flows like silk and I just love reading that line. Excellent, excellent, excellent job there.
I like the next stanza, nothing wrong to poke at there. It flows incredibly smoothly.
"He was the one who left me voluminously peeling"
Voluminously is a hard word to use in any sort of poem, it's also a little longer than you're normal writing style. I think I just don't like this line as much because it's a tad bit to long in comparison the the rest of the poem. Just a little. So maybe try cutting it in half. So try saying:
"He was the one who left me
voluminously peeling."
I also just love your use of "peeling," I really like the imagery you create so brilliantly in that regard.
"of my own accord"
Just for the sake of flow, maybe say "in my own accord,' sounds better that way. Nit picky I know.
I like the last line, I like the ambiguous feel of the poem and the note you leave it on. Again you bring full circle to this piece extraordinarily well. You are certainly one to use 'simple' words and make amazing poems out of them. You had a difficult task by using some words that are a little outside your usual writing style, but you adapted well and were able to incorporate those words into your writing relatively smoothly. I certainly think the imagery and your ambiguous ending are the strongest piece of your poem. All and all an excellent piece and I loved reading. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hi there, Hannah.
As always, your images send me shivers.
However, this poem doesn't feel as tight as your usual work.
This bit confused me at first. I don't know exactly how I read it first, but it still takes a bit of deciphering for me to understand it fully. I think that you should break this part into three lines to improve clarity. Put a break after "nothing." Also, the last line sounds a little awkward. Perhaps try "that means I'll later pick rust from my skin."
In the third stanza, I hate the word "voluminnously." It makes your line really long, which isn't appealing visually, and it doesn't really add any meaning that I can apply to the image from the rest of the stanza. That's five syllables that you should cut from that line. While I'm on the syllables subject, put peeling on the next line. If you cut voluminously and move peeling, the lines in that stanza will have a closer number of syllables to each other, which really aids in your rhythm.
Because you don't use any punctuation in the last stanza, I can read the stanza in two ways. One is when the speaker is swept out of the bathroom. The other is when the guy is swept out of the bathroom. If you want it to have a double meaning, then fine. But if you don't, I suggest adding some punctuation to clear that up. Personally, if you were solid about it, I think your poem would be aided by ending on a firm idea.
Also, why don't you put "to be swept out with the euphony in my bathroom"? You already say that it is the wind through your bathroom. If you continue the metaphor here, you'll create an even more circular feeling than you do now.
My favorite image was the one of picking rust flakes off of the skin. It was surprising and lovely.
I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this poem. I hope that this is useful to you. Happy poeting!
Well, Im gonna try and do my 5th review. Anyways, I like the format of your poem, because it actually is in a poem form and looks way better than mine ever did. It might just be me but im not really understanding the poem. I read it twice but I still don't know what it is talking about. Please explain. Thanks.
Hey Hannahbobannah,
You know I love your poetry and I remember this from the on the Spot poem thread. I think it isn't as strong as your last poem at all. There is less focus here and we're missing a lot of the general emotion which your other poem has - can you tell I loved that other poem?
I dislike voluminously a whole lot! There's something just really... not working about that word and where it is, even though I feel like you put it in for a reason. I think that the ending is ambiguous, which is where most of my liking for this poem comes in. You have excellent images as always but the second last stanza feels the drama and I don't like it so much as I could. This final stanza though says either she is going to be left to be swept out, or the more likely that he will be. Even though I know it is he who is being left to be swept, I really like thinking that it is likely she is also slowly leaving him and soon she will be able to just float out of the door with the wind. She will eventually be set free somewhere, anywhere.
Thank you so much for posting this, I wish I could be of more use. It's good, but it isn't brilliant, and I think tightening up that second last stanza is the key, everything else has the right feeling of sad resignation.
~ <3