Hi there, ScarlettFire.
I believe I reviewed the first version of this (unless I'm mistaken), and this is tons better. You really cut it down and cleaned it up. Yay!
They used to call the devil an angel,
but we know the truth, don’t we?
I know that the "they" means "society" or "people in general," but I don't like how you use it here. I always try not to start off my poems with unidentified flying pronouns. The "we" you used also seems to be pretty all-encompassing. So what if it started with "we"? Also, "used to call" irks me. I would say "called." It's still in past tense, and it gets the message across without using so many words. "We used to call the devil an angel, / but now we know the truth, don't we?" Scans a little better than what you've got going on right now.
Like twisted little creatures,
beasts who crawl through the shadows,
thick with cloying dust.
I would omit the "like" here. If you say that he is, the metaphor for the rest of the poem is established. Also, I think that if you omit "the" in the second line, it'll scan better as well (if you do that, also take out the comma after "shadows").
He cast himself out, past the moon and stars,
slamming down into earth and then snow
While I don't really mind that you have a rhyme scheme suddenly in this stanza, I think that you add "snow" at the end of the last line for the sake of rhyming with "below." In my previous review, I said that the identical rhyme between the two "below"s wasn't doing it for me. But this isn't really, either. Before, I had a solid image of snakes crawling through the dirt. Now you add snow. I don't think it's a particularly good choice to use snow in this poem. Snow is pure, and unless you're specifically saying that the snake sullied the snow, it only serves as a symbol that isn't consistent with the rest of the images you're trying to create. Also, don't let your rhyme scheme control your word choice.
At first with an apple, and then later with a flask.
Words turned to poison,
I just wanted to tell you how much I loved these lines. The parallels between them (intentional or not) are awesome. Yay!
Before, eventually, dancing with the devil
became a popular line
I would omit "eventually." It messes with your meter. Also, "became a popular line" isn't really doing it for me. A line? Like a line dance? I don't really know.
The only truth you can trust
is that you can’t really believe what you see
when it could be a lie.
I like the first line of this stanza, but after that, the wording confuses me a little, and loses me. I would rewrite it like this:
The only truth you can trust:
we can't believe what we see
when it can be a lie.
I changed "you" to "we" because you don't introduce a "you" before this, and you already had a "we" introduced. It also sounds less preachy if the poet includes herself in the poem.
Good work on your revision. I got to be nitpicky (it's a good thing, trust me).
I hope this review was helpful. Happy poeting!
keep writing hun!
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