Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Other


when it could be a lie *revised*

by ScarlettFire


I'm back again. Same poem, only I tried to take into suggestion some of the reviews from before. Still not happy with that last stanza. Enjoy! *tosses to sharks and hides*

when it could be a lie

They used to call the devil an angel,
but we know the truth, don’t we?

Like twisted little creatures,
beasts who crawl through the shadows,
thick with cloying dust.

That sneaky little snake wore a mask,
lied to those most high and refused to bend the knee,
wouldn’t bow to those above, nor those far below.
He cast himself out, past the moon and stars,
slamming down into earth and then snow.

It was there that he found something
far more thrilling than the life he had known.

Oh, the trouble he could make, that serpent
in the grass. At first with an apple, and then later with a flask.
Words turned to poison, on the lips of those who dealt in deceit
and lies. Before, eventually, dancing with the devil
became a popular line.

The only truth you can trust
is that you can’t really believe what you see
when it could be a lie.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
827 Reviews


Points: 28351
Reviews: 827

Donate
Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:46 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, ScarlettFire.

I believe I reviewed the first version of this (unless I'm mistaken), and this is tons better. You really cut it down and cleaned it up. Yay!

They used to call the devil an angel,
but we know the truth, don’t we?

I know that the "they" means "society" or "people in general," but I don't like how you use it here. I always try not to start off my poems with unidentified flying pronouns. The "we" you used also seems to be pretty all-encompassing. So what if it started with "we"? Also, "used to call" irks me. I would say "called." It's still in past tense, and it gets the message across without using so many words. "We used to call the devil an angel, / but now we know the truth, don't we?" Scans a little better than what you've got going on right now.

Like twisted little creatures,
beasts who crawl through the shadows,
thick with cloying dust.

I would omit the "like" here. If you say that he is, the metaphor for the rest of the poem is established. Also, I think that if you omit "the" in the second line, it'll scan better as well (if you do that, also take out the comma after "shadows").

He cast himself out, past the moon and stars,
slamming down into earth and then snow

While I don't really mind that you have a rhyme scheme suddenly in this stanza, I think that you add "snow" at the end of the last line for the sake of rhyming with "below." In my previous review, I said that the identical rhyme between the two "below"s wasn't doing it for me. But this isn't really, either. Before, I had a solid image of snakes crawling through the dirt. Now you add snow. I don't think it's a particularly good choice to use snow in this poem. Snow is pure, and unless you're specifically saying that the snake sullied the snow, it only serves as a symbol that isn't consistent with the rest of the images you're trying to create. Also, don't let your rhyme scheme control your word choice.

At first with an apple, and then later with a flask.
Words turned to poison,

I just wanted to tell you how much I loved these lines. The parallels between them (intentional or not) are awesome. Yay!

Before, eventually, dancing with the devil
became a popular line

I would omit "eventually." It messes with your meter. Also, "became a popular line" isn't really doing it for me. A line? Like a line dance? I don't really know.

The only truth you can trust
is that you can’t really believe what you see
when it could be a lie.

I like the first line of this stanza, but after that, the wording confuses me a little, and loses me. I would rewrite it like this:
The only truth you can trust:
we can't believe what we see
when it can be a lie.

I changed "you" to "we" because you don't introduce a "you" before this, and you already had a "we" introduced. It also sounds less preachy if the poet includes herself in the poem.

Good work on your revision. I got to be nitpicky (it's a good thing, trust me).

I hope this review was helpful. Happy poeting!




User avatar
27 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 27

Donate
Fri Feb 08, 2013 1:05 pm
brittbritt12347 wrote a review...



Hey Scar. I'm doing this review to get a little better at it because I'm not to good right now. :D

I think the poem has great imagery going throughout it. I agree with noninjaspresent on the part where the serpent comes in, it kind of just came up out of nowhere to me and confused me just a little.

I think above all you did a great job on the poem :) keep writing hun!

-Brittany-




User avatar
96 Reviews


Points: 4980
Reviews: 96

Donate
Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:44 am
noninjaes wrote a review...



Hallo Scar! I don't believe I've ever reviewed for you before. :) 'Bout time I get to it then.

I found the content of this poem rather confusing at first glance. First you were talking about the devil, then all of a sudden a snake somehow slithered in (unintended alliteration on my part xD). This threw me off a bit. I would suggest working out a way to introduce the snake and how it relates to the devil in the second stanza.

Though, I must say I enjoyed the iambic feel and the rhyme that was scattered throughout the poem - although I am never a fan of long lines in poetry, I felt that they helped create a nice flow and tone.

On another note, your imagery and such descriptions in this poem were rather well done. Kudos to you on that. Wording and grammar are also at a similar level, though I must nitpick on the first line of the final stanza. "The only thing truth you can trust" is a rather awkward sentence. I'm not entirely sure how to fix that line up, but I suggest experimenting with some commas in that line.

Once again, the last stanza felt out of synch with all but the first stanza. I can see the connections between the stanzas, but it takes a bit of searching for. Though despite that, the first and the last stanzas are my favourite in the poem.

I didn't see the original version of this poem, but the editing seems to have worked to produce an enjoyable poem that I give my thumbs up to. Anyways, as always, keep writing!
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*




User avatar
890 Reviews


Points: 33
Reviews: 890

Donate
Fri Feb 08, 2013 9:29 am
View Likes
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hey Lette,

So this is about 50 times better, haha! You've cleaned it up and tightened it and the good editing shows. I still really like the sneaky snake and I'm like, a billion times pleased that you have opened that image up and we get more of it. That's the way to maintain focus in a poem!

It was there that he found something
far more thrilling than the life he had known.

Oh, the trouble he could make, that serpent
in the grass. At first with an apple, and then later with a flask.


Double plus yes to this. This is an excellent extension of that serpenty snake, and it is just written really well. You lose it again after that. It's still too preachy. I know that's way weird and hard to take because you've edited this down and it's looking much better, but that's the truth of it.

I feel like you're still trying too hard to give us a message. Let the message go. You've got lies, you've got deceit, you've got a snake! You're giving us your message on a platter and I think that's what is getting to me. I love reading poems and deciding my own meaning. Maybe I'm just selfish and other people will disagree but I can't help it!

I also want you to throw "eventually" out of that second last line in your second last stanza - it works without it and the sentence is a solid sentence. I also feel like maybe you want to end on "jive" at that sentence. I know it's a line, but this way you're playing on the line and having a good image tacked on.

Your second stanza is still in limbo. I suggest just using a semi colon or some such at the last line to indicate it moves on to the next stanza, which it does very well. Otherwise it's tops.

It's a good poem but the end is still dragging you down, less than before, but it's still there. Good luck with this though. :D

~ Pen





For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
— Audrey Hepburn