Hey guys. Yup, this is another one. Some of this might be familiar. It's been pestering me lately... Anyhow, here you go. I actually like this one pretty well. Crit and comments welcome! Enjoy~
#2 valley wide
i see a place between the stars,
dark and cold, so far from here;
[yet] it calls to me, loud and clear,
calling me home across the divide.
lay me down beneath a summer sky,
amongst the briar and the heather
where those ancestors of mine do reside,
in hill and creek, and mountain high.
i see the valley and the hall,
a castle old across the ford and in the moors,
with a song of magic and sorcery,
of longing and despair.
call my name, a beauty fair;
summon those long gone
with chant and prayer,
end it now, send me home.
i belong up there, amongst the stars,
a mind set free, a spirit that soars;
call for me a millennia from now,
i can’t promise i’ll answer but i’ll at least try.
so lay me down beneath a winter sky,
amongst the mist and the moors
where my ancestors lay in silence
on mountain high and valley wide.
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Hi felistia here with another review again.
I love your poems, they are so moving. The imagery is great, but this one is not one of your best. The rhymes are okay, but it is still not really the best I have seen. It feels slightly rushed.
I do like the theme though. I makes me think of Scotland for some reason, maybe it is because of the mountains and the ancestors part of the poem, not to mention the castle. I liked it, but it could be better.
Hello, it is ImHero here!
Firstly, many of these rhymes made the reading of the poem shaky and seemed as-if you were trying too hard and it hurt the integrity of the content. Like the first stanza who talked about the divide and left it there just hanging - ambiguity. I see many of the stanzas hard to read because -simply- it stops through because the ryhme scheme wasn't perfect nor was it eloquent.
Now, I can tell you that the imagery in this poem is very,very good. Although, some of the poem was hard to imagine 'cause you didn't give us much to go off of but it really helped with the style of the writing and I think that style compliments you as a writer. I got a generally mello feel out of this style so that is always good when a author can portray that in his/her writing.
So thank you for writing.
Your Hero,
ImHero
Hellooo, darling. So! Some thoughts. First off, the shaky and inconsistent rhyme scheme actually made me stop mid-poem and look to see if I was imagining it or not. Rhyme schemes are extremely difficult to pull off, and if you are going to try one, it's really important to remember to write naturally (don't force the rhymes!), to be consistent (on and off again is distracting and makes the rhythm all sorts of wonky), and have a good rhythm to the poem overall. Sometimes it makes it feel a bit more "tightly knit" when you have rhymes inside of the lines themselves or tie things in at different points rather than at the end of the line. Just some thoughts.
I did like this! You had some really nice diction, and some really pleasant images. I do think that it felt a bit watery at points, as there are some images that we see time and time again throughout all sorts of media. eg. "mind set free, a spirit that soars". Maybe instead, try finding an image that sits personally with YOU. Express who you are as a person in your poetry, incorporate your own, honest emotions and aspects of life into your writing and it will seem so utterly real and personal to us that we won't HELP but be able to empathize and feel with you.
Overall, I'd mostly just focus on the rhythm and maybe changing a couple of the images -- but, it was very well done. The diction especially is very nice. Let me know if you have any questions!
This was a great poem. You talked so fondly of home and of a sense of belonging that I felt the same. Going back to your roots, your origins, is a prevalent idea among dreamers so it was amazing to feel your longing along with you.
One thing I noticed was the one line, "i can't promise i'll answer but i'll at least try." and it didn't really seem to fit with the poem. However, I sort of like that it sounded sort of pedestrian among all the metaphors and beauty. Because it sort of illustrated your humanity and weakness and that though you want to go back to these Origins you might not ever get there. But it's nice to lay out and dream, isn't it?