Merry Christmas! No I did not forget about this. Life just went "HA HA YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD FREE TIME? THINK AGAIN! HOLIDAYS!!!"
So here I am to finally review this. Let's see if I remember how to do this reviewing poetry thing. *cracks knuckles*
The one thing that stands out to me in a not good way is the repetition of "sinking" in the second stanza. That's just too much repetition of a word in too small a space, and I think the stanza would be much improved if you omitted the third "sinking" entirely, or replaced it with some other word, like "falling" or "dimming".
The other issue that caught my eye was your enjambment. You choose some rather interesting words to end your lines on, and a lot of them result in the emphasis of weaker or connecting words, rather than words with a bit more substance. As a result, the line breaks feel like they're present for purely visual purposes, namely to keep the lines roughly the same length.
Taking the first two lines of the poem, the words emphasized are "like" and "a", which have no real meaning outside of a context. I think a more effective enjambment would be between "snake" and "caught".
You have some good enjambments here and there, like between "wave" and "smothered", but most of them are quite weak and could use tweaking.
Lastly, the imagery is quite bare, which isn't necessarily bad, but between the repetition, lack of oomph behind your enjambments, and simplicity of the language, there isn't really much substance to the poem, especially in the middle bits. There's a lot of throwaway references to images that don't work because they're bare allusions and not actually incorporated into the poem itself, which also leaves the poem feeling quite a bit unfocused overall.
I'm left wondering what the point or purpose of this poem is, and I think if you could refine this piece so that it answers this question, the poem would be the stronger for it.
...and this is me now realizing that it's past midnight so this isn't even a proper Christmas present, but is instead a late Christmas present. >.>
Oh well. Merry (Belated) Christmas!
Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220
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