Here, have a poem. I think I write this a while ago during a poetry workshop? If you were there for it, you might've seen this already. Enjoy!
the
call
when
the sun burns the skin
and
the darkness is called 'friend',
a
hunger, a thirst, rages within,
tearing,
straining, screaming
to
break free;
and
when the stars call
out
to the sanity within,
the
rage and the hunger
withers
and dies, giving way
to
peace once more;
eyes
shining in the dark,
teeth
bared in threat and promise,
retreat
to the glory of an empire
and
to the dark spaces between stars,
to
the cold and lonely places;
and
when the call is old and withered,
when
most else is all but dust,
the
glory of an empire and the cold,
lonely
places between stars
will
almost seem like home.
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140,545 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
Hey, lovely! Let's see about reviewing this.
I absolutely love this poem. You have very strong imagery and excellent word choice - I can almost feel the cold and the rage, and I love your repetition of phrases and ideas as a way to reinforce them as images. The repetition also reinforces the strength of your word choice, burning it into the reader's mind. I especially enjoy the phrase "cold and lonely places", though I can't quite pinpoint why it resonates with me so much.
Even though it's free verse, the poem still follows a structure that's pleasing to the ear; I tend to read poems aloud, and I found myself enjoying every syllable as it led seamlessly into the next until the poem was done. You have syntax repetition especially prevalent in the fourth line of the first stanza and throughout the third stanza that lead the reader into a more emphatic state, where each word is carefully weighed and placed, and it feels like there are about fifty meanings behind everything. I honestly would not be able to pinpoint what you originally intended this poem to be about, because it has too many meanings to me, and I can't narrow it down to just one. It feels like homesickness and meltdowns and loneliness and outbursts all at once.
I don't think I can pinpoint anything that needs to be fixed. Your punctuation is brilliantly placed in order to ensure a natural reading. I will admit that I'm very partial to line 4 - "tearing, straining, screaming" - it just calls out to me in a familiar way.
It's freaking brilliant.
Hi! Team Aqua here for a little review.
I really like the theme of words you used for your poem, the dark, tormenting words and then more peaceful phrases like 'peace once more' and 'dark spaces between stars'.
I have to agree with LanguidLiger, I interpret this to be about not only sleep deprivation, but also Insomnia. The phrases you used really seem to describe it to me and dare I say, it's how I feel when I'm awake at midnight.
This part is certainly my favourite. Especially the first two lines. It represents (to me, at least) the darkness of night flooding the sky and the person in question knowing that their moment of insanity is coming. The moment of insanity perhaps being all the thoughts that their active brain is throwing at them whilst they try to sleep.
I can't understand your interpretation. But I think this talks about the peace that finally comes to you when you feel your body drifting away into sleep. Am I right?? Maybe not, but ah well.
Great poem, keep writing!
This poem reminded me of sleep deprivation. Especially when you criticized the sun and said that teeth are bared in the dark both promisingly and forbodeingly. The anticipation of a good nights rest that most dont feel, because it isnt a luxury for them. And the stars call out to the sanity within, to gather our wits for the next morning. And when consciousness is struck down we are left in an empty empire, populated by thought alone. The only suggestion that I would make is to use "the" less, instead assumingthat the reader knows if the maor proponents in the poem already discussed. Other than that, your spelling, punctuation and grammer seem fine. Good work, and keep indulging your creativity.