I don't even.... What is this? Crit and comments welcome! Enjoy. I think this really needs to be edited or something. *flails* Rambling ahead! <3
#1 Melancholy
there’s an ache deep down inside,
it sits between there lungs and
can’t always be seen from the outside
but it’s there, in my eyes, my heart, my--
do you feel that?
that all-consuming echo,
a staccato of boom-boom-boom,
bang-bang-bang
and--
there’s an echo deep inside
it sits where my heart should reside,
and it’s right there, in my eyes;
and it hasn’t moved in years
oh, can’t you see it?
can’t you hear the boom-boom-boom.
the bang-bang-bang?
it’s so loud, I’m surprised no one’s
asked me why
and it’s been years and years
since i saw your face,
since i heard your voice,
since i felt your arms around me
boom-boom-boom, bang-bang-bang;
it’s pounding through me,
strong and undenied, smothered and betrayed
i still care for you, and i know you care for me, too
a decade’s nearly passed since we last met--
you promised me forever, told me you’d always remember;
it was the last thing you said when we last met
but i guess promises are always made to forget
and there’s an ache, right between my lungs
it sits right where my heart’s meant to be
(i think you stole it when you left)
and now it’s just an empty shell
and it’s been years since i last saw your face,
a decade or two, probably more,
maybe three or four,
since you left me there, on the shore
i’m an old lady now, not-quite-senile but so very unsure
did you ever even care?
i hope you know i’m seventy-two,
have two children (one of them’s yours)
and a couple grandchildren, too
i never really found another who could replace you;
you were always unique, respected, one of a kind
twenty years from now, old boy,
i’ll probably be dead and in heaven
(or hell, depending on the reaper’s sense of humour)
will you be there with me or long gone?
i lied when i said “care” -- i have always loved you
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Hey, Scarlette, June here,
I'm torn on this one; stylistically I like this poem, and I don't. I like it because it adds character to your words, but I don't like it because it's kind of haphazard and uneven. I like your use of literary devices throughout it, so I found a good amount within this to appreciate.
I don't really understand why you don't just connect these two ideas with "that" instead of using "it" to fragment the two apart from each other.
On the whole, the poem left me with the impression that you could have done a lot more to tell us about this love through undertones and metaphor, but it closed on a cliche note, and that didn't sit too well with me.
June
SCAR!
*squishes at your poetry*
A poem about melancholic feels :3 I get the sense of this lady-speaker in her old ages and there's this really strong emotional ache of a lost love (who left her?) it's definitely lost-love, or noncommittal, or loveache in some fashion. There's this sort of ironic song/lyrical beat to it. Almost ballad-like, just watch it, because in some places it's more sing-song than dark (though if that was your intention, then it's fine!)
My only complaint with this is that it clocks in a bit long, and it’s not that I don’t like long poems, or even mind them, poems have been written that are pages and pages long—but it’s the feeling of when you’re sitting a movie theatre, you’ve already worked out the ending and conclusion in your head, and you’re midway or 3/4ths of the way through looking at your watch, and that’s the feeling I get—you have short lines written with straight to the point crispness and brevity that is not matching the actual form. Grab those scissors, decide what’s important and get merciless >:D
Now this is purely technical, but I would also suggest trying to explore with the effects of sounds within words/sound effects/sound expressions. This only if it interests you, because I just started learning about this stuff, and I find it fascinating and of great help to my poetry, and I think this would be of great help to this poem. So, basically, rather than onomatopoeia which is more telling than showing, it's a way of imitating sounds through the words themselves. A random example being: murmuring innumerable bees (the words themselves sort of murmur and paint a picture: all those innumerable ms!) -- this kind of sound effect/sound painting is a lot more impactful, I think and also lyrical while still maintaining a darker tone (as opposed to a pop song: boom boom boom)
so consonants such as /l/, /m/, /n/, sounds are perfect for tender-toned poems (as opposed to /k/, /t/, /r/ aggressive sounds) used with dark colors and dark vowels: gloomy days and longing pangs —you can imply and suggest the tone and ache as opposed to telling, thus using your words to better effect! Super, super technical, I know. But interesting to explore and experiment with, nevertheless!
I hope this helps!
~ as always, Audy
Hi there, Scarlett! Here to review this lovely piece for you.
First of all, I didn’t read consider this poem as rambling to the point of flailing one’s arms about and such at all! I think it has a lot of potential. Your choice of no capitalization worked quite nice for this, though I am a bit curious about the meaning behind the title. “Melancholy” is kind of a typical word, overused by poets. Show me melancholy; don’t tell me that’s what the poem is about.
First stanza:
I think this would flow better with maybe a switch of the words “deep” and “down”. Or, to avoid cliché completely, you could eliminate those words and use a metaphor that better represents “inside.” It’s just kind of a typical way to start out a poem about melancholy. Make it personal, make it you. A quote from one of Sierra DeMulder’s poems that I read ages ago and still remember, “The heart lives in a packed elevator. It doesn't know what floor it's waiting for but it wants it wants it wants to get off.” Describe your insides with something that will stick with the reader long after they close the webpage. Also, replace the comma with either a semicolon or period.
So either you’re lacking punctuation or you’re using the wrong homophone. Or maybe I’m missing something here. On another note, I advise against ending a line with a conjunction, prepositional phrase, or article. It just comes across as weak.
Second:
I love the word ‘staccato.’
Okay I think this much onomatopoeia is a little unnecessary. Doesn’t really add anything to the poem and is borderline annoying.
Third:
I don’t really like the sudden rhyming use, but I do really like the last line:
I feel like there are too many “and’s” in this stanza. Maybe just eliminate the ‘and’ in the line mentioned above, and even replace the semicolon that sets it up with a period to be more concise.
Fourth:
How is this a statement and not a question? This whole stanza is just kind of repetitive and really unnecessary. Take it out!
Fifth:
You suddenly introduce a secondary character into the story of the poem. It’s a little too blatant; I would suggest maybe dividing the first half and this stanza on into 2 parts, with numbers or Roman numerals or what-have-you. Just because it’s kind of two parts of the story and I think it would flow better. Also, not a fan of the repetition of “since” - not really an important enough word to repeat so many times - and this stanza in itself is majorly cliché, but I feel that it is necessary to introduce the secondary character, who I’m guessing is responsible for this ache inside the narrator. So maybe be more clever about how you word the passed time.
Sixth:
According to my computer’s dictionary, undeny is not a word, and neither are any tenses of it, but poets make up words all the time and so I say go for it. I really love this line.
Seventh:
Take out everything after the comma, so it will be more concise as; “i still care for you.” And then my last advice is to delete everything else. This is the end. This is what will ring in the reader’s ear. The rest is kind of rambling and isn’t interesting at all and sounds like something you excreted at 3 in the morning. (trying to be comical, not harsh) I’d suggest ending it with a period, since you use few in the poem throughout and so it would give this a mechanical sense of closure. The end!
Best wishes, and please keep writing!!
~Indie.
Good day ScarlettFire.
This is night walker wanted to give a review on your wonderful poem!
First of all,I love the way you describe your feeling and I can feel it in my heart as I also have experienced it before.I like all the stanzas and let me tell you the lines I loved much here:
'oom-boom-boom, bang-bang-bang;
it’s pounding through me,
strong and undenied, smothered and betrayed'(I pronouncing it again and again)Love to play the rythm!
And this too:
'a decade’s nearly passed since we last met--
you promised me forever, told me you’d always remember;
it was the last thing you said when we last met
but i guess promises are always made to forget'.
Anyway,the first stanza is not really have a good ryhtm to me.
'...there’s an ache deep down inside,
it sits between there* lungs and..'(* do you mis type this word?)
That is only the problem that I can see but overall you doing a great job.Keep writing and I wish to see more masterpieces from you in YWS!