restless
the bricks are warm beneath my feet,
made so by the burning summer sun
and the cloudless sky,
they burn and itch, but all I can
do is stare at the horizon and
that setting blazing sun
blue to pink and orange, then deeper
to red and purple, and finally
a deep blue-purple-black,
the warning of a coming storm--
or is that just a warning for the blazing,
suffocating heat in the morning?
restless through the night,
listening to the thrum and beat
of insects;
crickets and grasshoppers--
and was that a fox, calling for the stars
and the moon?
and then, finally, an orange-pink
glow in the east, with no clouds to
soak in and slowly, endless blue
sky and burning heat, shimmering
across the stubble trying
to sway in the breeze
a lazy day, sitting on the front porch
and watching the sheep graze their way
through stubble and grass until
the sun sinks and casts shadows.
long and slender as it repeats
the pattern of yesterday,
and I wonder,
it sounds like a dream.
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140,541 Literary Works • 673,412 Reviews
Love the first line about the bricks.
However the second line could do with rephrasing. I don't like 'made so by'.
For me blazing sun is too close to burning summer sun. I feel it needs more diversity.
Adore this line. Simply adore it.
I feel I don't have much to say more. Overall the poem does have its moments and it does have its spots that needs work, especially with poetic flow. I like it anyways and I think you did a good job.
Hmm... I'm not entirely sure what to think of this poem, but I *did* enjoy it all-the-same.
The best compliment I feel that I can give is that the uncomfortableness of the speaker definitely shines through and is evident and clear as the 'cloudless sky' - it's almost Camus-esqe; that nauseating, stifling feeling that Meursault feels in "L'etranger" whilst he's in the courtroom mirrors the tone of your poem (I feel).
Technically, I don't like the lack of full punctuation, but that's just a personal preference, but there was internal rhyme, and the rhythm was enjoyable, too.
I feel as if the speaker is impatient, maybe he/she has a decision to make, and is in limbo in the 'heat' of the moment?
I agree with BrokenSkye's comment on the line: "the bricks are warm beneath my feet" which stood out to me too on my first read-through.
Also, the lines:
"and was that a fox, calling for the stars
and the moon?"
stood out to me, too, and I felt that the question was sort of forced, y'know? I'm picturing the narrator taking in the sounds of the surrounding nature, and his/her mind is wandering, hence the question, but, because the previous stanza ended in a question, I felt that this second one was a bit *too* much.
Overall, I greatly enjoyed it, and don't despair, I'm just being persnickety to try and help you out! I hope it does help you, and I don't come off as a prude or anything!
I found this to be odd, in good way though. I do have some compliments, and I do have some criticism. First things first, I loved the title and it definitely pulled me in, but I don't really see why you titled it that when only one stanza has mentioned anything to do with being restless.
Another thing is that the line
"the bricks are warm beneath my feet"
contradicts the rest of the stanza, I think the word "steaming" would fit better. I really enjoyed how you used imagery through out the poem talking of the sky changing colors, and at the end where you talk about the sheep grazing and the casting shadows I found to be simply lovely. The ending was really great, but it doesn't sound right, it is kind of rough against the tongue. I think saying
"and I wonder,
if all this is a dream"
would sound a lot better. I liked your punctuation, but after your periods you did not capitalize, I know that some poets don't do this, but it just seems more neat when it does.
I really did enjoy this poem, and I hope to see more work soon!