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138,717 Literary Works • 672,257 Reviews
Hello! Omi1 here to review!
I figured I'd review this in light of the coming holiday season. My first opinion was that I liked it. There was some fairly decent rhyme scheme and for the most part it flowed rather smoothly. I really liked the images I got of the children playing in the snow. That bit was well written. 
Here are my tips:
This is the a line I would expect to hear at the beginning of a horror story.
Christmas should be capitalized since it is the name of a holiday.
"Kid" is not very literate. "Child" would be more correct.
I can't say I've heard many people say that Santa comes to 'sing'.
Why are you mentioning a drunk and spirits shortly after mentioning children in just the previous stanza and then again in the next?
I really liked the ending, but it doesn't flow quite right... To me it is ended far too abruptly... idk, read it out loud and decide for yourself.
Barnyard Reviews: A Review For You ("Jolly Christmas" by Ary)
In a world where Christmas is easily the most commercialized Holiday, including Halloween, and the main thoughts on everyone's mind going into the season is, "How am I going to afford to buy presents for people," this poem breathes fresh air into our mouth-holes. We are taken back to the platform of the season, which of course is love, be it for your chosen deity, your family, your friends. Santa needs to take a backseat to the love, and this poem gives you faith in that idea.
As a previous scholarly reviewer has mentioned the imagery is not as crystal clear as it could be, but why not a minimalist approach. If you want imagery go read some Robert Frost or some shizzle like that. I like the poem. It's cute, it's short, and it's to the point.
I would recommend it to anyone who's preoccupied with buying things for people.
7/10
Hey Ary!
I hope you are liking YWS so far! I've come to make a pit-stop to review, so let's just cut to the chase and dive right in!
I like the idea for this piece - I like that you sort of form a scene around the theme of Christmas, and you have Santa on a dark night and holiday spirit from all of the people/carolers/kids, etc., it's obvious that Christmas is not about presents in this scenario. It's a very simple message and one that gets said a lot during the Holiday season, but still! It's still a heartwarming crowd-pleaser of a poem, and I'm okay with that.
What I would like more of, is to see more images. I feel like these images barely skim the surface of love. In stead of kids playing and screaming, try to be more specific? What are they playing - are they hunting after wild rabbits in the snow? Maybe inching behind them after their tracks, but not quite overpassing them... are they making angels in the snow? The more specific you are, the more vivid the poem is and the more it sticks to mind!
Okay, so the next order of business is the rhymes. Rhymes are great - but you can't just start them off and then stop them in some lines and then have slant rhymes in others. It needs to be consistent, and whatever you do, it needs to be intentional. You have some rhymes going on, but your rhymes seem to jump all over the place. By that I mean, rhyming is all about sounds. When you rhyme a word that ends in -ing, or -y, or -ie, you get a sharp "e" sound, and that stresses the ear, but also creates a sort of happy and upbeat sound.
On the other hand, rhymes that end in "ay" or some variation like "oy", kind of carry that jolly falalala Christmas joy. You have a lot of hard rhymes going on though - by that I mean, there are more solemn, somber sounds rather than merry sounds. Things like "drunk/ got/ dark/ corner" these are more harsher sounds, so they don't have that soft, happy feel.
Still! A nice little Christmas poem all the same ^^ Keep writing!
~ as always, Audy
Hey Ary!
~ It should be 'says the drunk'.Aw, this is so sweet! I the brevity of it. Just four short stanzas, yet you've clearly presented your view of Christmas. It's wonderful.
My only complaints are:
and
~ There's no 'h' in "Caroling".
Merry Christmas!
Keep Writing!
~Shady
thank you!; sorry for the grammatical errors I was in a hurry because I was about to sit down with the family for Christmas lunch but thanks and Merry Christmas!