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137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Today seems just my day for reading exceptionally done pieces. Needless to say I found you work quite beautiful. It was poetic to last bit, even if it was a prose piece.
Your consistency was the the very first noteworthy thing. I am very pleased with the way you were able to just never lose your tone. Though there were a/two typos/grammar knit picks as someone pointed out earlier, it had to take a careful study to realize as the reader- or at least I- was so engrossed in the vivid imagery and limitless waves that every sentence delivered.
Another beauty of this was the chosen tense. I felt it turned up the poignance of the piece as the reader gets to journey with the arrogant boy who wasn't as invincible as he would have thought after all.
There very beautiful quotes in there and like many have pointed out, the final sentence was one such.
GREAT JOB and do, keep writing! A GREAT STORY indeed.
Great Story!
Hey Thatoddkid,
This is a beautiful image that you have created - the liveliness of a young boy, in such realistically imaginative terms.
I won't go into too much detail, as I can see others have already done it for you.
Good work with your consistency regarding both your writing style and structure.
"He is quick to discover the source—"
This part here, towards the end, I felt as if it were a bit...a bit formal, or informative in comparison to the colloquialism of your previous narrative.
The name of your work, also, I felt could be even better. 'Whale' didn't get me as a one word simplistic whimsicality, like I think it should have.
Regardless, your work was absolutely gorgeous. The last line especially,
"The boy wants to sleep, but he must first learn to swim."
was such a quaint, yet strong headed ending.
Well done, I look forward to reading more!
NightWriter x
This story is fabulous I think that you should make more to go along like short adventures you'll be perfect for short stories or novels by third person. Another thing Is I like how you are so descriptive Its amazing I'm a swimmer for high schools swim team and I read this and it makes me feel like back when I couldn't swim. Trying to Swim in Choppy water like that is insane but you have to if you want to learn. I did the hard way. But thats beside the point. I think that the idea of the story was really good to see the one king of the castle on land couldn't be the King of the Sea. So I say Goood Job Lad if your a boy if your a girl GOOD JOB
Omg, you're back.
Look forward to seeing more from you. As expected, it was a good piece.
And you're still as good as always. There's a slight change in your writing style, but it's nice.
The only error I found is here-
-which could easily be changed to read "the greatest empire ever to exist" or something like. Overall you have a very good piece here.
Oh, odd one, I like this.
The whole thing is clever - the message behind it, the subtle descriptions that give us just enough to concern for your character, and the steady pace of the story are all well-done. The final twist was quirky and creative, and I hope to see more works of yours in the future.
Keep writing!
Hi thatoddkid. I really liked this! Your descriptions were very thorough, and I loved the image of the boy with his paper crown.
I found this sentence to be rather reduntant. Yielding and allowing a hold are the same things. I would delete the repetition in the middle and just say "Only his dark curls yield, but his crown is secure in his grip."
This sentence is confusing. It makes it seem like the boy is sharp and protruding, not the cliffs!
I love this ending line!
You did a great job of describing the wind and sea so that they seemed as much like characters as the boy. This was really interesting. I liked the twist with the whale at the end!
Good job!
Magnus