Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,355 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
I have to thank you all for your wonderful reviews. Normally, I'd reply to each of you individually, but it's already been a while and will still be a while before I'd have the time. I'm sorry that this took so long in the first place.
Once again, thanks for everything. I'm extremely grateful.
Oh, wow, this is kind of awesome. I love this piece and its quiet eerieness. Very good, sir, very good!
Just one quick comment... the only thing that I felt was kind of missing (but this might be because of my own personal experience) is that it seems weird that she is strangely absent from the story. I mean, when I read this, I was thinking of my grandma (because her death really hit me hard) and I remember watching her, completely detached from myself, and just looking at her. You know... in that way. Anyway, just a thought. Lovely story!
Hi,
I'm so excited that you have something new up. I like it a lot and as with almost everything you write, I feel it could be something really great but there were faults. Umm, reading it literally, there are three people, a girl, the narrator and the 'you'. The girl is sick, maybe depressed, I dunno and she might die. It's winter, it's cold and everyone's a bit sadder than they usually are. So, this girl leaves the 'you' and goes to the narrator and they hug and cuddle in this awful, melancholy sort of way and she reveals that she's never been kissed. Then, we as the readers, all assume she dies. Then, in the metaphoric sense, this changes completely.
-mer-
You've edited all of this! I have to start over now. :'{
Hm. I still like this. No more or less than the previous version though.
First sentence could be better. Winter should be capitalized. I feel like with this sentence, it has this weird comparison, as if the narrator would prefer for her to die in Spring or Summer rather than Winter. I think it would be much stronger as 'I didn't want her to die.' but that's kinda boring, kinda cliche. I don't know, might be better to just keep it as is.
I swear to god, you're always doing this. I don't want mac and cheese for lunch. But in 1564, William Shakespeare was born. You use contradictions where you shouldn't. Really, read that over. I didn't want her to die. But the spaces of her bones echoed with a fading force. They are two completely irrelevant sentences. To be honest, I don't even know what the second sentence means. You use pretty words to make up for lack of meaning and it's excusable to a point.
I like the end of this, starting from 'but'. What do you mean 'keep her in the purple of the cosmos'. I suppose you're trying to say 'keep her alive' or 'keep her conscious' or something but what do purple cosmos have to do with living. merconfusion.
To me, Winter is more blinding white, more unrelenting blankness than this gray that you see it as. What's gray about it? Are the trees gray, the sidewalk, the frozen cat corpses that lay in alleyways? Why are the days gray? What about the days are gray? Is the snow coming down in gray flakes? I simply don't understand.
Obviously. It's winter. I don't expect 98 degree weather. Don't tell me that it's cold, show me.
I like the end of this from 'what' but again, describeeeeeeee, don't just offer me pretty words as some half-hearted excuse for actual description.
You basically said the same thing. That's like saying 'dirty forks and unclean utensils'.
The world clearly isn't beautiful if it's being described as 'gray gray gray gray gray'. Gray isn't the most stunning color.
I think the last bit from 'I imagined' is the strongest line you have in this.
That's just really weird imagery. Reminds me of some ancient Greek demon or some Medusa type thing.
You're literally just repeating yourself.
I like this part a lot but I feel like hollow bird bones is kinda cliche. I've seen Persy use it in her poetry, I've seen Lumi use it once or twice, I've used it and I've seen countless others use it. It's splendid imagery but I suppose 'It was a dark and stormy night' was considered a good line once upon a time too.
I want more background. How old is this girl. Where do they live. Why is she living with a guy who doesn't love her. If she has cancer, why isn't she in a hospital. Be more literal with your writing, like this line. It's like a burst of clarity from this pool of molasses we have to go through to figure out what is real and what is not.
What. He doesn't love her but he loves her but he doesn't love her. No. No. No. PICK ONE. Does he love her or not?! You can't do this. It makes no sense and seems bipolar, especially since we don't even get an explanation but some random line about her crying. Did she tell her that he 'didn't love her but he loved her but he didn't love her'? If anyone ever said that to me, I'd cry too. It makes no sense.
Overall, you have a problem with being coherent. You have the vocabulary; put it to good use. This could be a really great piece of writing if you make it a story rather than a random stream of thought.
PM me if you have any comments or questions.
It was a pretty enjoyable read. Some grammar was off, you used "grey" one too many times, and it was a little unfocused. Excellent ending, which shows the conflict of the human heart, but a tad confusing. Maybe if you used a question mark at the "He loved her, he didn't love her", if would have been less so. I think you could have switched some of the sentences around to make the flow better. The cosmos thing was a bit cliche and a confuser as well. Keep on writing!
Dragon Rider
you're an amazing writer. short but to the point, in a way. beautiful way with words, considered poetry? it made me imagine everything, very good. keep writing, don't stop.loved it. i wish that there had ben more.
I realize this is only one review in a sea of reviews, and that anything I have to say now will only, probably, be a repeat of what everyone else has stated, but I wanted you to have this review simply because of the beauty in which you write. The way you capture so fluidly without second guessing. And this is fluidity. Poetic exuberance.
Your way with words astounds me often, and the maturity in which you sculpt creates this sort of foreboding that makes even the saddest or most tragic of emotions glazed over in shades of colour. I hear grey but I see the blue in her eyes. The brown hard-wood floors. The beige of her all too large nightgown, when some of the things I picture I not stated here. Not even mentioned.
Because, when you write, you make things feel whole. There are no overly bearing descriptions or info-dumps. You sculpt by taking everything as an emotion. As if ever piece of furniture or every sallow marking on her face is just another reminder of what the story entails. What the story contains.
Honestly, this might be one of my favourite works by you. One of my favourite works period. It is strong because it is truthful and shameful and sad. It is beautiful because you write with such a raw, unrefined passion that the words seem to meld and blend together as if they were made for each other.
I used to think you'd make a fantastic poet. Now, I don't know. You need that space and time to be able to capture and ensnare as you do so often with your prose. It would almost be a shame to see you taking a turn for a different medium.
I realize this is barely review-worthy, but there is something about how you write that astounds me. And astounds many. Its in your stars, kid. Writing is in your blood.
~Walker
Hello
I appreciate this has already been highlighted, but I must agree a couple of sentences confuse me! However, there are places where I’m reading thinking this is seriously impressive. You clearly demonstrate that you have a huge understanding and range of words, but sometimes I think a simple description could be better used. Overall this is really good, I’ve also read some of your other works and think you have a lot of talent.
Keep writing! I look forward to reading more of your work!
Ben
noth
sORRY DOUBLE POSTED
Wow. There's much to be said about this piece, despite its length.
Alright. First, the negatives. The "gray, gray, gray..." thing was almost a turn-off for me, because repetition works only to a point, before it just becomes overtly redundant. Also, despite being written in first person, there were two instances where you used second person:
(Also here, you wrote spilt, when you meant to write split)
Now, I realized that there's a chance you did that on purpose, and the "you" you were referring to is another character, a father, a husband, etc. If not, then it's a glaring distraction from an otherwise beautifully written story.
Now, the positives! Your imagery was wonderful, though the intent of every simile and metaphor wasn't exactly clear. It was a story that hooked me from the very powerful first line to the very powerful last line. Once again, it was slightly disjointed and vague, but I think that style matches the situation of the characters. I doubt anything makes sense for them at this point in their lives. By far, my favorite lines were:
Poetic and beautiful enough to send tremors down your spine and tears to your eyes. A wonderful tale that expresses a situation many people experience. Beautiful.
Leaves very much to the imagination, whihc isn't necessarily a good thing. It could have used detail. This I say with respect
Hey,
Well, good evening. I have to say I like your style. I picked a fabulous time to read this, because at this time I was listening to Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne. Perfect, huh? I have two nitpicks though.
You switched POV's. That's a no-no. Big time. Never do that. It is sloppy, no one likes it, and it does you no good. I almost stopped reading. Thankfully, I didn't. Another thing that got me is when you just repeated gray. I get it, it's gray. A lot. Otherwise, it was fantastic and I loved it!
Farewell,
-A.
Hi,
I'm so excited that you have something new up. I like it a lot and as with almost everything you write, I feel it could be something really great but there were faults. Umm, reading it literally, there are three people, a girl, the narrator and the 'you'. The girl is sick, maybe depressed, I dunno and she might die. It's winter, it's cold and everyone's a bit sadder than they usually are. So, this girl leaves the 'you' and goes to the narrator and they hug and cuddle in this awful, melancholy sort of way and she reveals that she's never been kissed. Then, we as the readers, all assume she dies. Then, in the metaphoric sense, this changes complete-
...I gotta go. I'll be back to finish this later though.
Way to totally kill my soul with jealousy.
You are excellent, love. This might get an actual review from me later, if I don't suffocate under my piles of papers. If it doesn't, remind me with some verbal abuse and we can talk privately.
<3
okay, I'm still pondering on the last statement but I always love the way you write things.
You're never alone, almost never.
I actually feel relieved that you did post sth again and you haven't left for good, but I was so sad I couldn't read Toy Gun before you deleted it. :C
And about the work, I think the words day and gray seem to repeat a little too much at times. But maybe that's meant to be so. Hope you stay well, and don't worry- there are loads of lifeless people around.
Let me begin with a sound bite borrowed from Capote, That isn't writing at all, it's typing. An observation he famously made about Kerouac's On The Road. His dismissal, of course, regards the writing process. Knowing that writing isn't a first draft, nor is it single stream of conciousness but rather a multi-layered account, worked then reworked -- was the basis for his criticism. It's no secret the two had contradictory takes on the conception and execution of writing, but neither was wrong, nor right. I would say Capote makes a compelling point that all aspiring authors should consider.
Your style lends itself to some poetic merit, until it is delicately pressed and the lovely metaphors you stack up come tumbling down. You need to consider exactly what you are trying to say, have a clear scene in your head and strive to reach a description which conveys the scene or the ideas. You fail here, because you jerk the reader around, and at times I wonder if you have subscribed to a pseudo-poetic style as licence to rampantly coat on the imagery, whether or not it is important or consistent.
Though, perhaps there is simply a disconnect. Perhaps you have the clear images available but you can't find the right description, so you settle for romanticized metaphors and miss-use literary techniques.
When I read prose of this nature it usually takes a few seconds or a reread for the image and the scene to settle in my mind, but despite how I probe I can't conjure much of an image. Don't get me wrong, it's floral and draped with bright flags, but it's smoke and mirrors and like I said, tumbles with a gentle nudge. Now the green part is the strength of the intro, for me it is the only line that conveys a clear image. The part about holding her hand isn't bad either.
This happens for most of the piece, you build something then you waste it.
Now for your style in general. Let's assume you achieve what you set out to achieve and the literary gloss isn't so overwhelming and the images aren't so ill-constructed, you will still have something of an issue.
Sentimentality/Melodrama
Make a consorted effort to avoid ranging too far toward sentimentality and same goes with melodrama. Even YA authors
are raked for stumbling into melodrama. Your work is underpinned with hackeneyed sentimental fuss. You build conflicts and characters that exist on a bedrock of Melodrama. It will be difficult for you to adapt, I feel it is you, or perhaps what you read. And I mean that in a nice way, you lace your work with these feelings you harbour to the point it becomes overbearing. It's not subtle, and the message is lost because readers are nauseated by the gush. I know it seems harsh, and I wouldn't make this point if I didn't see potential in your writing.
Rein it in, do away with the sentiment and use your skills to exhibit an insight. Write a scene, but before you do, have a clear insight that you want to share with the reader. Don't set out to write a compelling story, not yet, but as a practice write a scene and don't apply the literary gloss until you are confident you have a story to tell.
JP
Great piece. You have a way with imagery that allows you to sustain the very morose mood and tone.
I didn't like the "gray, gray, gray, gray" part because I think that you could better describe the grayness than just state its existence. The repetition is a good, but I would rather read a repeated description that is both similar and different.
Also, I wish your piece was longer and I wish I knew more about the girl and what she sounds like.
Good job.
-Adam
I'll review this soon.
Wow! This is AMAZING!
I didn't really pick up any major errors and the mood created from this piece of writing is so amazing! It kept me captivated all the way to the end which wasn't a long time because your piece is quite short which I think is the only downfall. But even so, it's so incredible! The atmosphere is so sad and incredibly strong, I love the effect you've created.
My favourite line!! The first time I read it I was like 'Wooowww!!!', so great job! Keep writing and I'll be sure to check out more of your works.