The Massiveness of How Sad It Is to Want Someone (2.1)

I was trying to figure out who your writing style reminded me of, and it hit me. Ellen Hopkins. I don't know if you read her stuff, but it has the kind poetic fluidity that's addicting. I think your writing has the same effect.

I was taken for a second by the beauty of it,

Honestly, I can't believe how much it astounds me that someone so young could take on such a heavy subject with such grace. And without melodrama. I expected this would be filled with the idea of pain and sadness. This 'I hate my life' sort of aspect and yet, when it comes down to it, you are so clean and precise with how this moves that I can't believe how mature it comes across.

I'm going to have to agree with Lumi about the fact that I rarely ever keep to reviewing novels on more than one occasion unless asked personally for it. You, on the other hand, have my interest. This has my interest. Levi, most of all, has my interest.

I'm thinking its because he's so much like Brady. A little different in a sense but when it comes down to it, I can't believe how much your protagonist and mine have in common. From the small, almost weakness to the poetic, strong voice that lingers. It makes me feel as if I need to get a little more original or I'm going to have a carbon copy of yours.

But, of course, it makes me respect you more. Levi is flawed. Very flawed. His perspective on himself and his reasons for wanting to die are all very big flaws in his character and, because of that, this is something worth reading. That his flaws cause the conflict. That it is him and his situation that makes this story move. You do so well with this cause and effect idea that I'm almost excruciatingly jealous of your abilities as a novelist.

You'll be published one day, kid. I almost guarantee it.

There is a lot to be said about this story thus far, little intrinsic errors that I don't have the time to go over with you.

I will say two things though.

"I'm only joking," he added surreptitiously.

seeing the arm still in its cadenced endlessness

Hey there I love the imagery you have used. I like the idea of your piece, it's really nice to see it a bit more to read than previous chapters. All I can say is keep up teh good work. Go you!

A little bit confusing in the middle, but I figured it out. I really like it! Good job! Your characters are really alive and seem real! Keep writing and keep up the good work. I can't wait to read more of your work

I tried something different this time, but I think it came out very similarly to the previous chapters (in a bad way). A certain metaphor is KILLING me right now, but there's nothing to be done, because as I'm writing this there are only eight more minutes to post. Oh well. I had to write it especially quickly this time, which is why it's so short. Looks like chapter two will have a third installment.

Here he was now, and I realized that the fluidness extended to every part of him, yet still had that kick, like a river of electricity. It was something wild, barely contained in itself, in the tan skin which was like the glossy pelt of a panther, the muscles making their ripple underneath; the green eyes, green like leaves, sharp and predatory, beautiful in their passiveness yet monstrous when hungry; the shredding claws and crushing jaws yet unsheathed.

Curious, then, was the attraction I felt despite my knowledge. Was it what they felt, those helpless animals, right before they were taken into the teeth of their hunters, astonishment at the beauty that would take away their lives, possibly allurement--because I wanted to kiss him.

Even in my haze, I wasn't completely lost. I realized that he probably didn't even like me. But my attraction to him--it was as though when he had melted me, the phase change was somehow chemical in nature, changing composition, altering it, making me receptive to his electromagnetism, no copper cords necessary. Before, of course, I had been able to see his beauty. Now it was as though it was a bright light in my eyes, an infinite flash of lightning, the symmetry of his face, the sharp softness, like a blurred line, there and not; kind once and hard next, smiling and scowling--at me, at me--full lips, filled with a pink glow, long feather lashes that had brushed my innocence off my cheek, hair just long enough to run your fingers through, not as long as mine, straight and black.

When his lips had pressed against mine, I had tasted his lust. I wanted something more, though. Because once he had gotten off my shirt, I kissed him to kiss him, just that, to kiss a boy, and he stopped me to rid us of what was left of our clothes. But I could be nice to him, kind, and maybe one day he would let me kiss him just to kiss him. Maybe, one day, we could go away together, somewhere far, far away, where I was enough for him like he was more than enough for me.

And I imagined a future where my poor kisses and small courtesies were enough to make him love me.

This makes so much sense it's unbelievable.

I love how you go with the cliche that the quarterback of the school is a complete jerk, but then you add a twist by making him gay, and yet he still wants to be seen as straight cause he thinks his image will be ruined if anyone knows. You make your characters readable, and not just because this is a novel, but because the imagery is so strong!

Now onto the constructive part:

The story is good, really good actually. Perhaps you should add just a little bit more detail? Allow me to give you an example:

"I think it's time for me to go," I said.

Hey Oddkid!

You know I love this story, right? It's brilliant and mesmerising and I seriously can't stop wishing that chapter had been longer. But I agree with the others in that starting the next part (chapter 3) in a new scene, would benefit the story. You don't want to get too bogged down in memories, only to have to fight your way back up to the action.

You write with such ease and I'm sorely jealous at your ability to make the reading of your work pass within a blink of an eye. Levi's so likeable and I'm wishing for him to be happy so much that it hurts, and we're only four parts in. That, my friend, is skill.

I did find one mistake, but it was probably just because you were rushing to get this posted.

I taken for a second by the beauty of it,

Hey,

I owe you a review for the last chapter and I'll get to that soon enough but I think we basically brushed over all the important parts of that chapter via PM.

I've been in a crappy mood since this stupid hurricane ruined my weekend but this chapter definitely rose my spirits. To be honest, I think that the last chapter and this one are really similar and kind of annoyingly so, where the second half of the last chapter and most of this one are just repetition of the same thing ( I doubt that sentence made any sense...). I liked it but I feel that the only thing Levi has to say about Angel, (I've told you how much I love his name), is like 'omg he's so hot, omg he screwed me, omg he's popular and I'm not, omg I love him' and while it's a bit cute at first, it gets irritating fast.

There was one part of a sentence I didn't like and I had actually finished the review and re-read the chapter and remembered it and couldn't think of anywhere to put it, so I put this critique thing here. 'the green eyes, green like leaves,'. Yeah, I don't like the use of green twice. I think if you took out the first use of green, the sentence would be perfect.

I didn't think Angel would be a football player but I suppose it works. I saw him as more of a motorcycle and leather jacket sort of guy, instead of the cocky, preppy jackasses I think of when I hear high school football, but meh, I guess it doesn't really matter. I didn't really understand this line: '"It's just too bad I can't fuck you when you have your clothes on." but maybe that's just me being stupid. Is he saying that Levi looks hot with his clothes on or is he saying he looks ugly with them off? I'm pretty sure it's the latter, especially because of the next couple of lines but I'm not sure.

Hmm, I don't really have much to say on this. I lovelovelove the way you describe things, you use the most gorgeous metaphors and they really make Levi sound like quite the poet. The story is moving along well but I agree with Lumi and Flemzo when I say that you don't really need a third part to this. I think you need to make us want to yearn for chapters of the flashbacks and chapters of the present equally and I feel like if you made another chapter of this particular flashback, you'd be forcing us to forget about Levi's suicide attempt and how mystery boy, Zachary is in the hospital and who the hell Elise (is that the right name?) is and all that jazz, while at the same time, sort of boring us with more of Levi's 'blah blah Angel is super sexay and I love him' moans.

I really did like this chapter a lot and of course, I'm expecting your PM with answers and explanations to my questions.

~jas

P.S. I KICK YOU. Why you ask? You told me too so you could remember to review Eyes. :p

>:O God, I want to kill his lover so badly. He drives me so crazy and I feel so bad for Levi :'(. I love you, Levi. Very much

*Cough cough* now to get to business.

As always, your chapters have been quite impressive and I'm very hooked. Yet, I want to ask a curious question though. Angel may seem like a jerk right now but when it comes to relationships, it's kind of good to show two sides to it because for all we know, this Angel guy could not completely be a jerk. Sure, he could be 99.9% a jerk but he could have that.1% unjerk in him. It's possible. So is this Angel guy really a complete douche or does throughout the novel there is a soft side to him?

I'll maybe let your next chapters answer that for me.

Overall, your novel is awesome and I can't wait to read your next ones and I'm going to try to review first this time so I can say a little bit more instead of being up-reviewed by other reviewers -__- no offense to them. Lol. Keep writing

I think it’s fair to let you know that this is the only novel on this entire site that I’ve read more than two installments of. You’ve seen my reactions enough so far to know how much I naturally want to gush over this, but I’ll try and contain myself (and wipe away drool) as I try to polish this with you.

First off, I really want to get angry about the copper wire/electromagnetism metaphor. It’s the second time (third if you count the lingering copper taste in his mouth in the previous installment) that it’s shown up, and I don’t think it’s quite fluid enough to be a returning metaphor. At this point, it seems almost like it’s going to follow the Legel (totally their ship name) chapters through. And I’m not sure how I feel about that. Now, as all metaphors tend to work, there is definitely a way to polish it up to make it smooth enough to swallow, but right now, it just seems too metallic to fit in with the rest of your beautiful writing. Jarring, almost. In that respect, I almost want to vote to nix it, though if you’ve written it twice, it obviously shows either an attachment to the metaphor, or you being haunted by it. One or the other must be true, and I’m hoping it’s the first, since that will allow you to deal with it accordingly. Haunting metaphors can get sticky and messy.

Anyway, you heeded my request to give us some physical picture of Angel, and I’m quite pleased with the outcome (which makes it sound like I’m lusting). The image is very close to what I had in my head during the last part for most of the time. Slightly tanned, muscular but not bulky—the kind of guy Levi would think is beautiful. And at this point, I can feel almost what I think is an affinity for Angel’s brain inside of Levi—how those cutting remarks hurt him, but attract him all the same. I think that may be one of the ways you can sandblast your electromagnetic metaphor into a more round shape—approach it from a more precise angle like I believe you’re lingering on—that idea of involuntary attraction. However, as you’ve told me, that should become apparent as the chapters progress. So it’s obviously nothing you want to rub into the reader’s face in the first bits and pieces.

And that’s also one reason I’m not very good at reviewing chapters—I almost feel like it’s reviewing a poem while reading it. We don’t have all the pieces yet, and won’t be able to make a full assessment until we do. But take everything I say with a grain of salt while you consider that factor.

Moving on, you had this one piece that got exceptionally purple—just after the car passes down the road and he is caught up in the memory of Angel assaulting that boy. He begins to describe him in what I’ll now call a Levi-esque way, sort of a madly poetic point of view without the abandon of rational, simplistic ideas. There is one piece in this purple area, though, that is fairly suffocating—“Now it was as though…straight and black.”—and is very easy to get lost in. But at the same time, your descriptions are maddeningly beautiful, and you’re garnering a large amount of envy from where I stand.

Anyway, I believe I stand with Flemzo on disagreeing with you about a third installment. I don’t think there’s a particular need to go too far into the past before giving more of the present. After all, you can always go back and install more if you wish after you’ve moved forward. If you’re convinced, though, that you need more of this, then I won’t complain; I rather like these flashback chapters with their unrequited love overdose and nearly masturbatory poetic descriptions.

That’s all I have for you for now. I hope this makes sense, but as always, let me know if you have any questions or comments.

-Lumester

Sup, Oddkid.

So I think that your story is thriving in the sense that it has almost the same level of consistency compared to previous chapters. There's still that metaphoric beauty and that unique level of something different that continues to peak my interest. I read the note at the end of this though, and I have to say I'm a little disappointed that you let this flounder a bit. D: I wish you would have spent more time just brushing it up a bit and maybe adding to it to make it a little longer for your readers. I don't think if a chapter is quite ready to be posted it should be posted. Take your time! It's alright if you have plans to post a new part every Saturday. (Or was it Friday? I can't remember) Focus on every chapter equally as if it was your first.

Another thing I also wanted to mention, now that I'm thinking back to your first chapter, is that you started this with your main character attempting to commit suicide to himself. And then a girl saved him. Then the story sort of took off into elsewhere once you mentioned another character was in the hospital. I'm having trouble remembering exact names from the first chapter, and I think that's probably because the first parts seem a little detached from this. I'm not sure why that is, maybe it's just me. I think there should definitely be a consistent continuity going on. There should always be a relevant flow to ever part you write. Not saying that there isn't, it's just that it feels oddly like something different is going on from where you opened the story with the suicide and all. I get that it's a love story though.

I think that the way you've shaped these two male characters is above all one of my favorite things so far. You have Levi who seems to be this sweet, innocent, passive person. And then you have Angel, who seems like anything but an angel with his dominant yet toxically inviting personality. The way they both interact leaves such chemistry on the pages and it makes me quite excited to wonder where you plan on taking these two characters. I would love to see you do some much with them, so I'm looking forward to reading on. x) Great job with them overall.

Also, another thing. The way you ended this was quite perfect I think. Because not only did you leave off Levi with these heavy thoughts and profound feelings toward Angel, you embedded this idea he has into your readers mind. If you wanted to lengthen this chapter a bit, I would highly suggest keeping the ending the way you have it, with these exact emotions. Don't even mess with the ending at all! I'll send a squirrel with rabies after you. x) Though I wouldn't be opposed to certain tinier tweaks. Don't be rash about anything though.

I think what you have here is a great first draft of a second chapter. (Second because it says 2.1) My only thing, I would most definitely like to see a little more added to this I think. Just lengthen it a bit in the editing process before moving on to the following part. There's no need to do anything major, maybe just insert a little extra oomph where you see could use it. Great job again though, Oddkid. Was another really great read.

-Smylin'

I couldn't find anything grammatically wrong, nor could I find anything wrong with the punctuation.

The one thing that bothered me, thought, was the name choice: Angel. Doesn't exactly sound like the name of a football player, or maybe it's perfect because he's trying to get past his name and prove he's a manly man. I wasn't expecting him to be a quarterback, and that thought kind of stuck with me throughout the rest of the chapter. I'm thinking you could go two ways with this: you can either change the name, or make the name a metaphor, and have his real name revealed when Levi gets his heart broken or something. You're also free to ignore this part, I'm just thinking aloud.

Personally, I see no need to have a third installment. I felt that this chapter ended exactly where it needed to end. Melancholy, longing for love, but not quite getting it. I vote for moving on with chapter three.

Hope this helped. I'm really enjoying where this is going.

KF

Hey there! I loved how you wrote this! Well done. Here are the few things that I would have changed.

"I think it's time for me to go," I said. with what emotion?

Angel didn't bother acknowledging me, instead he begain to rummage through the pile pile of what exatly?. I felt the slightest disappointment, a small breath stolen from my lips, wasted on a cloud, lifted into the path of the ceiling fan's blades and, being unable to curve out of the way, sliced in half.

He doesn't care, I told it.

I scooted off of the bed and walked over to one end of the room to retrieve my shirt, then to the other end to pick up my jeans. Angel, having found what he was looking for, began to dress, and I did the same.

He finished first and watched me as I slid into my jeans. I caught his gaze analytical, the smallest smile teasing at the corner of his mouth.

"What?"

"It's just too bad I can't fuck you when you have your clothes on." He winked and my heart came to a brief stop.

For a brief second, I saw the steel in his eyes, the flash of a knife making a tiny cut, then a silver sliver of joy at the drop of blood brought forth, patient with the knowledge that a thousand tiny cuts could kill. I winced involuntarily and tried to concentrate on pulling on my jeans.

"I'm only joking," he added surreptitiously.

I nodded, keeping my eyes down, staring through my hair at his bare feet. I buttoned my jeans. "See you Monday, then?"

He walked over and slung an arm around my shoulder, leading me away.

"Now, Levi, here's the thing. We can't be acting like friends all of sudden, or people are going to suspect. The quarterback hanging out with a--well, we just wouldn't seem right together." We turned out into the hallway, making our way to the kitchen. "It would just make people suspicious. So when we're at school, the only connection we have is that we were partnered for a physics project. Acquaintances."

He stopped me and turned to look me in the eyes. Momentarily mesmerized I was torn to pieces by the sharp green colour of his eyes. "We agree?" he asked.

"Yeah." I could barely whisper.

"Cool," he said, smiling slightly. I was acutely aware of the weight of his hand on my shoulder. We stood in the silence for a moment.

"Is it--"

"Stop asking questions. You're getting on my nerves." He took back his hand and went over to the pantry.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "I was just going to ask--"

He turned and silenced me with a glare.

I felt myself blush. He turned away with what looked like an eye roll--the kitchen was just as dim as his bedroom, and he hadn't bothered turning on the lights--saying something about brains and fucking. He walked with that tough-guy swagger, the sort of stride that told you it wasn't a good idea to get in his way. Being on the football team made him more muscular than most--still lean, however--and you could tell just by looking at him that he wouldn't hesitate to use his strength to his advantage.

I remembered a time at school, sophomore year, before I had even talked to him. I never found out what the kid did to piss him off, but while walking home I saw Angel drag him out into the senior parking lot, in between all the cars. A crowd formed. There was the perfunctory swing of an arm in a white t-shirt, perfectly precise as it fell to the ground, up again, down, motion so fluid it was like by the time his arm had pulled all the way back it was already going down. I taken for a second by the beauty of it, the seamless movement of his arm, but then I remembered the effect he was having and realized someone had to help the kid. No one moved, however, and in my head I prayed that one of them would help. And then I considered myself, but my mind told me that by the time I ran over to them the fight--if you could call it that--would have ended.

Across the road, a car began to honk. I looked back for a second, seeing the arm still in its cadenced endlessness, and then continued walking home.

Here he was now, and I realized that the fluidness extended to every part of him, yet still had that kick, like a river of electricity. It was something wild, barely contained in itself, in the tan skin which was like the glossy pelt of a panther, the muscles making their ripple underneath; the green eyes, green like leaves, sharp and predatory, beautiful in their passiveness yet monstrous when hungry; the shredding claws and crushing jaws yet unsheathed.

Curious, then, was the attraction I felt despite my knowledge. Was it what they felt, those helpless animals, right before they were taken into the teeth of their hunters, astonishment at the beauty that would take away their lives, possibly allurement--because I wanted to kiss him.

Even in my haze, I wasn't completely lost. I realized that he probably didn't even like me. But my attraction to him--it was as though when he had melted me, the phase change was somehow chemical in nature, changing composition, altering it, making me receptive to his electromagnetism, no copper cords necessary. Before, of course, I had been able to see his beauty. Now it was as though it was a bright light in my eyes, an infinite flash of lightning, the symmetry of his face, the sharp softness, like a blurred line, there and not; kind once and hard next, smiling and scowling--at me, at me--full lips, filled with a pink glow, long feather lashes that had brushed my innocence off my cheek, hair just long enough to run your fingers through, not as long as mine, straight and black.

When his lips had pressed against mine, I had tasted his lust. I wanted something more, though. Because once he had gotten off my shirt, I kissed him to kiss him, just that, to kiss a boy, and he stopped me to rid us of what was left of our clothes. But I could be nice to him, kind, and maybe one day he would let me kiss him just to kiss him. Maybe, one day, we could go away together, somewhere far, far away, where I was enough for him like he was more than enough for me.

And I imagined a future where my poor kisses and small courtesies were enough to make him love me.