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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
I think that this poem needs improvement. It seems one-dimensional and isn't very satisfying for the reader. All you're saying is that the person is lost without their special someone...but I as a reader don't feel an emotional connection. You're telling us about their love, but I don't really "believe" it if you know what I mean. Don't focus on telling us what the person's felling. SHOW us. Let us look beyond the surface. As the poem stands, I'm not really sure what's happening.
I would like to say that I LOVED your beginning.
"I am lost in a galaxy of shining constellations"
THAT WAS AWESOME.
With that alone, I can tell that you have talent, but you still need to work on this.
The poem's too short for me to really say anything else....There's nothing wrong with a short or a simple story, but this is way too short. There's no story. It leaves the reader with a lot of questions.
What happened to them? Why is this person lost? I'm sensing some sadness--so why is this person sad?
Practice some more. Give this poem some depth, give the readers an emotional connection, and SHOW us what the character is feeling! Give us a story!
I hope this helped.
Keep on writing!
Dragonrider
Hello! I am here to review your piece of poetry!
An okay beginning. All I can say is that this stanza is too connected. I also see that in the next stanza. What I mean is that the breaks are in the wrong places. The second line and third line also seems too forced.
This is my version of the stanza:
I am lost. (<- Notice my period?)
I search for a realization, (<- comma)
a realization of differences
all within myself.
However, you can change it any way you like to. Did you also notice I deleted the second and third lines?
It can also be the case that I did not understand the third line, but other readers might not be able to understand either.
A great ending. I love the repetitive way you used "I am lost". Although, I do feel like there could be some changes.
I once again speak up and say my own version:
I am lost
without you, (<- I did not capitalize)
what you emboss (<- I deleted "and". I also once again lowercased "you")
and undo
within my soul.
So how is that? Different huh?
First, let's talk about why I lowercased. It doesn't seem as though this person isn't important, but it doesn't say anything about who it is. We can only assume it is a regular person of some sort.
I added some punctuation as well. I'm sure you've noticed.
Finally, I also erased "and" for it is unnecessary.
Overall, it has a ton of potential. The message is somewhat unclear. Although, I did enjoy reading this poem. The rhythm and flow is just about fine. Keep writing!
On the technical side:
"Shinning" should be "shining."
I don't understand why "You" is capitalized, unless it's referring to God or something similar, in which case, ignore this correction.
On the artsy/nitpicky side:
Your structure and rhyme scheme are kind of off...to me, at least, it lacks flow and a clear direction. I must say, though, as a fan of excessively fancy words, I love that you use the word "emboss." But for the majority, it's very simple, and therefore fails to hold a lot of resonance. Simplicity can work, but only when it's giving us something emotional to feed off of. I would've liked to see some shining uniqueness in this poem, as it just doesn't come off as memorable to me. Consider adding depth to what you're trying to portray, because I think you have plenty of potential as a poem-writer.
Keep writing!