Young Writers Society

Hey, Jadefox. I saw your comment in the Poetry club, so I figured I'd stop by.
I really like that even though the rhyme scheme is really strong and prominent, it never feels forced. I love the strong words you choose, too, like "unbound" the combination of "veins" with "insane", and the phrase "mystic slope". Awesome choices.

I think one thing holding this piece back, though, is the places it falters in meter. For most of the poem, it's strong and obvious like the rhyme: ba DUM ba DUM ba DUM ba DUM. It's like a march. It keeps us taking one step forward. But when you mess that meter up and stick a few extra syllables in there, we lose the beat and the strength of your poem.

we SEARCH the GROUND
for DEAD unBOUND but
NOthing reSOUNDS; aMONG STONES FOUND.
we TRACE the VEINS
on ARMS inSANE; next
FINDing BRAINS, FEELing BREATH
beTWEEN the LUNGS of the SHIBboLETH.
We HEAR the HEARTS
beFORE they DART aWAY
TAking aPART LASTing HOPE
SCATtered aLONG the MYStic SLOPE.

I want to say that not all the breaks in rhythm are bad. For example, the way you change the rhyme in the line "finding brains, feeling breath" -- it sticks with the meter and so the reader has something to stick to while you gently switch gears with us. It's a lovely dance. Like we've been marching and we do a quick hop-step or something. It's delicate and well-timed variety. Places like "Nothing resounds", however, don't seem to have that same purpose. I know that when I wrote rhyming poetry I'd try to stick a bunch of extra syllables in thinking I knew how it was supposed to read and people could figure it out to make it sound right, BUT! You kind of want your meter to be easy to follow. You have to think about it as a poet, but that's not what your reader is supposed to think about -- "Oh my, how do I follow this meter?!" -- because you want them to think about your words.

As for your words, I like the ambiguity. I feel like for me there are two ways this story could go. One is that they are searching among the dead on the slope. The other that they were searching for the dead, but since they found none, they created some in themselves and heard their own hearts dart away. I think perhaps a moment or two of concrete imagery would definitely benefit this poem, to give us a visual anchor of clarity, but it's still strong with the words you've chosen, especially the mysterious "shibboleth" which most people don't know the definition to off hand.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments by replying to this review or sending over a PM!
Good luck and keep writing~

I think it is a very beautiful poem. The rhyming does add to it, I must say.
Obviously, the formatting can be a problem. Perhaps add an explanation of what "the shibboleth" is, for those of us who do not know, unless, of course, it was added for the rhyming factor.
All in all, a very interesting, thoughtful piece.

Hi! Indie here for a brief line-by-line review after reading your poem aloud a few times to really catch the rhythm.

for the dead unbound, but

on arms of insane; next

between the lungs of the shibboleth.

We hear the hearts
before they dart away

taking apart lasting hope
scattered along the mystic slope.

It's a very nice poem. Are you trying to say that those left behind will always search or is there a different meaning?

Hey, HT here to review.

First off I think that you should break this into stanzas, probably according to your grammar and the number of verses. Here's an example:

We search the ground

for the dead unbound, but

nothing resounds; among stones found.



We trace the veins

on arms of insane; next

finding brains, feeling breath

between the lungs of the shibboleth.



We hear the hearts

before they dart away

taking apart lasting hope
Scattered about the mystic slope.

shibboleth.

I think this is the kind of poem that might sound better not rhyming. Usually I love poems that rhyme but I don't like that it's the same rhyme four times right out of the gate. It just feels like a bit too much. I can tell, though, that you put a lot of thought into the theme and trying to set a mood without directly saying what the poem is about. The title was, honestly, the main reason i got what you were talking about. Also, the title is almost there, but not quite; it feels wordy and might be better put as: "Those Left Behind" or "The Left Behind" or some sort of variation.
Going back to the rhyming, it feels like you were trying to come up with rhymes and then thinking of a line to fit that specific rhyme if that makes sense? What I mean is, that you knew the general subject of your work, but that it seems like the concern was more on the rhyme and flow of the whole thing than of the specific lines and content. When it should feel more natural, like you had the poem in your mind and it just happened to rhyme. Naturally rhyming is thought to flow better than regular English, but sometimes it just feels like a dead end and in the first four lines it seemed to me you weren't really sure where to go. But again, that's just an opinion. I also think transitions like "next" are a little basic. There are better ways to slide into the next thing you want to say. Just something to think about. Not at all a bad try.