how we suffered,
how we are delighted,
how we made triumph,
is the only light
in all this darkness
-----
it was like living with sound;
something opens within
the music enters
and evokes his triumph
-----
how awful the relationship
between musician and instrument?
the man who creates the music
hearing something else...
his triumph is ours
-----
don't die-trying not to suffer.
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Interesting concepts and beautiful language, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this but I was a little confused when you started talking about music in the second stanza with no transition or mention of it in the first... your first stanza should be like the introduction of an essay... I need to at least sort of know what you're talking about. You also seem to change idea again with 'his triumph is ours' but that might just be me. Nevertheless, stick to one theme throughout your poem.
Is it a stylistic preference to write in all lowercase but still use punctuation? Personally, I would say use neither or both not somewhere in between but that it simply my personal preference. Also, I would like to mention that the use of a hyphen between die and trying in the last line is not necessary or correct!
This was not too long, not too short and not too dense either which made it a very enjoyable read! Do you really think that the relationship between musician and instrument is awful? I think it is somewhat beautiful- the memories that are held in a piece of wood or brass or plastic that you caress and care for and spend so much time with, perfecting it, learning about yourself in the process...
Thanks for the feedback! As a musician, I was commenting on the strange connection musicians including myself have with our instruments. Sometimes we absolutely feel it when and we love it, but other times it's downright difficult and a drag. Truly determined musicians are willing to put themselves through pain at times. For example, forming calluses, blisters, or splitting lips. When I used awful, it doesn't necessarily mean terrible in this context.
Happy reviewing!
I also agree with you that the first stanza is slightly disconnected with the other two. Usually what I was trying to say doesn't come across as clearly as I would like. The first stanza doesn't speak directly of music/musician & instrument relationship, but rather the process and path to success. I'm not sure if that makes complete sense. The next two stanzas illustrate the music relationship as an example of what's required to be successful.
Thanks for your feedback! Usually I don't explain myself, but I thought I would try to clarify why somethings are the way they are. I hope you stop by more often
-Jade
No problem
and yeah, I kind of agree with you on the map musician thing (although I play the flute so it is more of an issue of jaw and face-muscle strain 
)
I really liked this poem. To me it showed a deep understanding to how we should be in this world. I really liked the line that said
"how awful the relationship
between musician and instrument?
the man who creates the music"
This part shows a lot of emotion because it shows the relationship of the music and musician, but this part to me seems it should more detailed. All in all, it needs more work but it is a great work. Keep up the good work!
hello! my review
the starting is beautiful, i could feel the sentiment. my favorite part is the second stanza,.
' how awful the relationship
between musician and instrument?
the man who creates the music
hearing something else...
his triumph is ours'
very deep thought. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.. keep up the great work. and you have feeling power of art.. i hope this helps.. thank you
Hey! Here to review!
First of all, I loved this poem, it definitely stirred some emotions in me. My favorite part was probably,
how we suffered,
how we are delighted,
how we made triumph,
is the only light
in all this darkness
-----
it was like living with sound;
something opens within
the music enters
and evokes his triumph
The only parts that I think need a bot of revision is this;
how awful the relationship
between musician and instrument?
the man who creates the music
hearing something else...
his triumph is ours
I think you have something really great here but it needs more developing for the reader to connect to. If you could talk more about the complexities of the relationship that would be really awesome and I think would definitely substantiate your claim more because up to this point we are just told of how the relationship is we are not shown.
I also believe that adding more to that section would make the last sentence more powerful!
Overall, I definitely think that you do have the beginnings of something really amazing here! Kudos!
I love this! It expresses so much. I'm a musician so I could totally relate to what your saying. Besides that, I couldn't see anything wrong, and would suggest you make more poems like this. Good luck! And let me know if you want another review.
-Laelle