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139,677 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
Hello there Jade! Dogs here with your review today. Okey dokey, nice piece you have here, interesting choice of formatting and how the poem gets shorter and than get's longer. I'm not entirely sure why you choose to use that formatting, but it certainly looks nice. Although unnecessary if it doesn't exactly add anything to your over all poem.
Another quick note, in lines 2-10 you put a comma after each line, which looks sloppy and grammatically doesn't work. Basically, in a sentence, you're saying: "six trained eyes which are staring while, ten phalanges are grasping, to hold onto life while, foreheads glisten..." If you just read this line it looks and sounds odd. If you're going to use proper grammar at some points, be sure to use it at all points. Try saying something like: "six trained eyes which are staring/ while ten phalanges are grasping/ to hold onto life while, foreheads glisten..." looks better all around that way.
"six trained eyes which are staring while,"
This line is a little bit awkward because it just seems so strange and out of the blue. The six trained eyes are never clearly explained in the piece and they just seem plopped into this piece and I'm not entirely sure why.
All and all, you have excellent writing and good descriptions. But you need to ask your self, what is the purpose of this poem? What point are you trying to convey or tell to the reader? If you're just telling a story about how some people die, describe them dying more and add in more imagery in that regard. Figure out the purpose and make it clear, content wise this is pretty good writing with good vocab choice. I enjoyed reading it, I hope my comments were helpful. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thanks! I'd thought I would explain the formatting because I've gotten a couple questions on it. For English we were assigned to read random poems and then write another that was inspired by the poem we read. My poem was called In Medias Res, or In the Middle. The whole poem was about a man whole gained so much weight he died. Very original. In Medias Res was formatted to be like a rotund belly. So I decided to format my poem related to Dependendum. The poem is about balance so the top is balanced on the bottom.
Thanks for the review!
I enjoy the poem, It is incredible and does really explain balance in its own way. I do notice that sometimes you reuse the same word every few sentences and it kinda sets me off a little but that can either be fixed or its part of the poem. Also, I really loved the way you styled the way the poem looked! Like,the curve of the words is set quite nicely.
Enjoyed the poem, but some similar/repeated words kinda throw me off a little. Hope I can read more writing
I really like this poem, it is well balanced. The vocabulary, although some of it I am unfamiliar with, is easy to weave into the words and I find it very easy to read. Though I have a few fussy problems, sadly.
One of them is the commas.
For example, the line
"Until the,"
followed by
"toes still"
breaks up the lines a little too much. I personally think you should have the two lines together, and the poem's rhythm wouldn't be disturbed. This is apparent in quite a few place, so just remember to have no comma after the word 'the'.
Again, I really like this poem, and do tell me if you write anymore like this! Well Done!
Peregrine