Young Writers Society

Hello there Jade! Dogs here with your review as requested . Most of this review will be focused on the word choice and how to help with the flow and rhythm of your writing. Also, my spell check isn't working right now so I'm sorry for any spelling errors I have in this review. Let's dive in now shall we?

"preparing to play, she dresses in lace."

So this line is an imporant one becuase you repeat it again, immediatly drawing the reader's attention to this line. The issue I have with it is that it's contradictory and doesn't make that much sense. Consider, if in the previous line you mention that "She sits and waits," insinuating that she doesn't move... then it seems odd to say that she "dresses in lace." That line insinuates that she is activly dressing herself in lace, which I don't think is what you're driving at here. And so we encounter the hardest bit of rhyming, make it sound smooth while at the same time have the line making sense. I'd say Edgar Allan Poe is one of the best poets at this if you want to read some of his work to help out your writing.

What I always do when I write rhyming poems, I google "rhymes with face" and than the first link will give me a list of words that rhyme with "face." It really gives me all the options I can use to make the rhyming smoother and make sense. From my searches, you could say something "ready to play, she sits with elegant grace."

"she is at the mercy of girls and boys."

Be aware of how many times you used "she" in this stanza. Just about one to many times, you can omit some useless words fromt his line and say: "at the mercy of girls and boys." Try to shorten lines up as much as you can, whenever you can.

"The porcelain doll, all dull and gray,"

I like this line, especially because it compares well to the first line in that the doll may look pretty and pink, but really it's a misrable life to live. Excellent job here.

"without a will, nothing is all she does."

So your rhyming is incredibly smooth, especially in this last stanza, it's dog-gon near flawless. Although, again watcy the words you repeat, because you say "nothing" again in the last line. I really love these two lines but you'll have to cut "nothing" at out of one of them so that this stanza can read smoothly. Also, put a period after "Will."

"she is a only a puppet of the rest."

This is the only time that your rhyming doesn't really make sense here. Just because "of the rest" insinuates that she's apart of some group or cult called "the rest." Perhaps a better way to end this would be: "She's only a puppet, just like the rest." Just to add in a air of "you're useless even though you look pretty," which really speaks to other things in life and a good idea to convey to the reader. All and all your rhyming is pretty darn good, the only time you get in trouble is really when the rhyme doesn't make sense. I'll take a peak at your other works either later today or tomorrow. I'm looking forward to reading some of your other writing . Excellent job here! Let me know if you ever need a review, keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

hey here's my review... I am new here, so.... u know...
The flow of the poem is good although the rhyming seemed a little forced at times. You conveyed your thought well. Choice of words was nice. I liked the use of proper stanzas..
overall a good work... just work on your rhymes.. not always necessary to use them in a poem.
best of luck for such good works in future.

Holllllaaaaa I am new here so this will be a rocky review at best!

This poem is really great. It captivates the reader, and we are able to relate to it. But this sort of had a "kid" feel to it because of the rhyming scheme. Even though the rhyming made the poem flow well, it just wasn't fit with the message I received from it. Also, try to add stronger language and maybe at the end you may repeat the "Porcelain doll, all pretty and pink" to signify that you are breaking only at this inside, not out.

Well yerp. That's my review...
-ScandalousPhoenix

Hey, Demtry here to review you!
So I like that your poem is broken up in stanzas, but I'm a little unsure about all the perfect rhymes. Trying playing more with imperfect rhymes to avoid a childish feel to the poem.
Also, try and avoid cliches like "seize the day."
Best of luck in your writing!

hye,

first of all great poem but it had places where it didn't really make sence

well the problem was that at some places it did rhyme but it did not make sence so I would prefer you to edit or proofread it once again.

Other than this I really liked you poem and the way you used your idea to describe a doll. it was interesting and I think that you are good at poetry so keep writing and I bet you will get better at it

if you need any sort of help you can always contact me via PM or post on my wall and I will surely help in every possible way. Keep doing your great work

umaima