I wake to a scream.
My eyes snap open and I jump to my feet, searching for the source. Kelsey is gone, Tait missing as well. Chandler wakes as I do, having the same reaction, and Grace stays relatively close to Daniel, preparing to defend him.
"Go," Chandler orders.
We bolt out of the alleyway as the ground begins to shake, Kelsey's cries for help silencing. Chandler speeds up, a strange form of worry twisting his facial expression, and I force myself to keep up.
"No!" Tait screams.
Chandler peals towards the sound, leading us into another dead end. Tait is on his knees in the middle of it, a puddle forming around him as a mini-thunder shower clouds above his head, and Kelsey cowers behind him, holding her side as scarlet liquid begins to seep between her fingers.
Something shimmers about their images and I reach out to stop Chandler from heading towards them, but he shrugs me off and rushes to Tait's side. As his hand reaches Kelsey's wound, she and Tait turn to ash, leaving him frozen in place.
My face pales, my body unresponsive to what happened, and a ringing begins its symphony in my ears. Chandler, hand shaking, swallows and turns to me.
"I-I never lost any before," his voice cracks.
Grace and Daniel rush up behind me and wait for one of us to explain. Just as I am about to open my mouth to speak, someone drops behind Chandler and twists his neck, leaving his limp body to loll to the side.
Tears burn in my eyes as my body numbs. Three of them...just gone. Grace slips her hand in mine, her face pallid and pained with fear, and gently tugs backwards.
"Let's go, Ronan." she whispers. "T-there's nothing we can do."
Chandler's murderer takes a step forward, his face hidden by a grey hooded sweatshirt that I hadn't noticed before, and tilts his head ever so slightly to reveal a crooked smile.
"Which one of you kiddies wants to play next?" his voice rasps.
Hey again
I like the turn of events, and also the fact you aren't scared to kill off some of your characters, lol. But I'm a little confused at what went down. How were they injured and why did they allow that stranger to just go up and snap Chandler's neck? Everything went on so fast it was hard to follow. Take your time. Even though you are just explaining Ronan waking up and finding his friends dead with this new villian, the description should make this chapter at least several pages.
Also, your dialogue punctuation is getting a lot better. Although the other reviewer did a great job, I believe they were wrong about the correction of the last line.
"Let's go, Ronan." she whispers. "T-there's nothing we can do."
I think should be
"Let's go, Ronan," she whispers, "T-there's nothing we can do."
Lastly, I think that some of your sentences can be a bit lengthy. By shortening them up a bit, I think you can create a faster pace with your narrative. Especially since this is supposed to be a more exciting part.
Tait is on his knees in the middle of it, a puddle forming around him as a mini-thunder shower clouds above his head, and Kelsey cowers behind him, holding her side as scarlet liquid begins to seep between her fingers.
could be split into two, like this.
Tait is on his knees in the middle of it, a puddle forming around him as a mini-thunder shower clouds above his head. Kelsey cowers behind him, holding her side as scarlet liquid begins to seep between her fingers.
also, this
Something shimmers about their images and I reach out to stop Chandler from heading towards them, but he shrugs me off and rushes to Tait's side.
could be more like this
Something shimmers about their images and I reach out to stop Chandler. He shrugs me off and races to Tait's side.
Just small suggestions. Best of luck with the next part!
Double I, here to review.
I kid, of course, as it's probably necessary, but hey, I quite liked the banter.
First thought as I read this: WHAAT? Did you just kill - ? My god, that was cruel.
Secondly, excellent writing style, but again not much description, not so much the characters but the places, if you see what I mean.
One more nit-picky thing
"Which one of you kiddies wants to play next?" his voice rasps.
should be
"Which one of you kiddies wants to play next?" His voice rasps. (or rasped, come to think of it)
Hope this helped,
yours truly