Branded and Scarred (Chapter Two)

by TheClosetKidnapper

Published March 30, 2012

In Novel 3

** I really don't like this chapter...It's not great, in my eyes, so all comments would be appreciated **


Grace increases the density in the air below the boy, causing his fall to be smoother and his landing to be softer. I hold my breath as he does, watching the sky lighten slightly.


Once he's on the ground, Grace lets go off her hold on the wind and looks at me, the boy's left shoulder limp and bleeding. I walk towards him cautiously and he stares at me, confusion and fright swirling in his purple-like eyes.


"W-what the hell are you?" He asks, backing away.


Chandler, Kelsey, and Tait appear behind us, having run through the storm to catch up.


"Is this him?" Kelsey asks.


My eyes look up to the window, where a shadow stands. The sky darkens.


"I don't think so." I say.


The boy steps backwards even further, glancing from us to the window and back.


His eyes swirl, reflecting the motion in the sky. Unless... The answer is whispered in my mind, revealing the situation as it is.


"There's two." I tell Chandler, the energy from before surging in my wrists.


The others turn to me but I keep my eyes locked on the boy, whose eyes are darker. A screech pierces the air and another body drops from the building, breaking it's own fall. He's older, quite possibly in his forties, but has the same eyes as the boy.


"Welcome to the party, Voltages." He smiles.


Chandler and I take the front, Tait with the girls in the back. The boy tries to continue to creep backwards, shaking slightly, but the man turns and pulls him to his side by the shoulder, blood staining his fingers.


"I don't want this." He whimpers, squeezing his eyes shut in what appears to be a flinch.


The man gives him a rough shove before turning back to us.


"We don't have to fight." Chandler says to the boy. "We can all leave unscathed."


"Don't play your mind games, sonny." The man says. "My boy will stay at my side."


I remember the fall from the building and wonder how he might have been put in that situation, wonder what made his shoulder bleed. My eyes set on the father for a moment, studying him. His knuckles are bruised, a slit on one of his fingers.


"Chan, he's a Shadow." I whisper, turning my back so they couldn't make out the words. "The father's a Hidden, but the kid isn't."


Chandler makes eye contact with me before the wind kicks up again. Grace sets a hand on each of our wrists and has Kelsey and Tait hold onto her, worriedly watching the man.


"You better be right." Chandler grumbles, whispering the plan.


When he gives the okay, I bolt for the boy as everyone but Grace charges the man. She follows me after I scoop him up and run off with him. He struggles, kicking me in the chest a few times, but I don't let go.


Reaching another alleyway, I stop and set him down harshly as payback for the bruises forming. He gasps, landing on his shoulder, and rolls on his stomach to try and stand.


"Just do me a favor and stay still." I say. "We aren't going to hurt you...any more than you're already hurt anyway."


Grace steps to my side, looking up at me for news on what to do next, and the boy sits, staring at us fearfully.


"I don't even know what's going on." He whimpers. "Dad... he comes home and starts saying all these things about people called Voltages and that they're after us and then he - "


"Hit you." I interrupt.


His eyes connect with mine before looking down.


"Then he threw you through a window." I say. "A window which was a good thirty feet up, by the way."


He swallows, the hand on his shoulder tightening its grip.


"He and I... We never had a good relationship with each other." He says. "My ma died in childbirth and he's blamed me ever since. Being hit wasn't a surprise, and I'd always imagined my death would come by him."


What a dark little dude...


"We can help you." Grace tells him. "We can take you to a place where you can hone your powers. You won't have to deal with - "


"He's like me too, you know." He interrupts. "Except...I've got a mix of what he's got."


"What do you mean 'mix'? What can you do?" I ask.


He glances down, blood oozing from between his fingers. Something glistens around him before he disappears. Swearing, I whip around and search for him, finding him atop the dumpster sitting cross-legged while looking at us.


"My mother wasn't like my father." He says softly, a glint of fear in his eyes. "And I have no idea what I am."


He flips his wrist to reveal his mark.


Scribbles.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Caesar
Review
Caesar wrote a review Review · Apr 25, 2012

Double I once again here for the review :)

I agree with tgirly, this is a really interesting bit. However, once again I lament the fact that it might be just a little bit too short, though once again it delivers masterfully.
And yet, this part is still lacking description, which jars me out of the scene slightly.
Also, when you write (let me take some examples)
"My mother wasn't like my father." He says softly
"We can help you." Grace tells him
"Hit you." I interrupt.
... actually, in all your pieces of dialogue, you place a period at the end instead of a comma.... but
a) that's just me, and
b) I'm not particularly well-versed in this sort of stuff, so take it with a load of salt.

Apart from the (small) imperfections, this is really good. Like really good.
I hope I'll be able to read more of it, and hope this helped,
yours truly

User avatar
tgirly
Review
tgirly wrote a review Review · Mar 31, 2012

Oh, I like this bit. The scribbled mark is very intriguing, I can't wait to see where that's going. This chapter's definitely got potential to be as amazing as the other chapters, but one part I thought was kind of weird was when the kid just tells his life story to these complete strangers, that didn't seem very realistic. And something I was wondering is how old's the kid? Is he a teen around Ronan's age, or just a little kid? I can kind of imagine him either way, so you should probably make that more clear. I think if you fix those two bits and do what theblacksheep said, the chapter'll be really nice. Can't wait to read the next chapter and see what happens!

xXTheBlackSheepXx wrote a review Review · Mar 31, 2012

In the second line, I thought it should've said 'I held my breath as he fell...' not 'as he does'. It just felt a bit strange to me.

" "You better be right." Chandler grumbles, whispering the plan.


When he gives the okay, I bolt for the boy as everyone but Grace charges the man. She follows me after I scoop him up and run off with him. He struggles, kicking me in the chest a few times, but I don't let go.


Reaching another alleyway, I stop and set him down harshly as payback for the bruises forming. He gasps, landing on his shoulder, and rolls on his stomach to try and stand. "

This middle part was a bit fast. First, you don't really tell us what the 'plan' is. To me, it seemed a little strange anyways because the boy and his father were right there in front of them, and to have your whole group just turn around and start whispering a plan. Wouldn't that look kinda suspicious? I have a hard time picturing it in my head.

Second, you mention Ronan going after the boy and taking him down and tossing him in the alley, but you don't tell us what the father's doing. Was he knocked out by the other members? Was he shouting at his kid to run or fight back or whatever? You don't really mention any of that in the scene, you just kind of forget about him.

Besides those points, I think this is good! There's nothing to worry about. You have a great outline for this chapter, you just gotta fill in a few blanks and add in some more detail. Hope I helped!

btw, be sure to message me somehow when you get a new chapter up so that I don't miss them x)



Don't be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.
— Roy T. Bennett