We walk among you.
Each breath you take, chances are we've inhaled the same air. Each step you make, chances are we've already been there. But no one ever notices.
Back when the ancient Indians were just settling into the new land, we had our own turf miles down the road. In them, and in the Europeans that stepped onto American soil centuries later, a discovery was made: if we were human, then they weren't; if they weren't human, then what our gods have told us was wrong; if our gods were wrong, then we didn't exist; if we didn't exist, they wouldn't see us.
They saw us.
Voltages. They named us as if we were part of their creation, as if they were superior, but they didn't know anything of us.
Wind, water, storms, fire, light - we learned to bend it, to use it to our advantage. To reveal the gap between us and them.
The name stuck.
From then on, marks began burning on the belly of our forearms symbolizing our power. Mine, lightning. A bolt, blue as if inked, drew itself on my skin during the eve of my fifth birthday to match the electricity in my pale eyes and white-blonde hair. I was the first male to receive this since the TIme of Naming, since the mortals felt our wrath.
The rebellion didn't hit until the twentith century, when the ways we did things no longer fit in with society. Our Elders, those of us deemed immortal, shunned anyone who dared change until the Native American's Trail of Tears, of which half of the main clan had been mistakenly a part of. When we adapted, the shunned returned with a vengence and deemed themselves the Hiddens, beginning a meaningless bloodbath with no end.
Some of us broke away to hide, to become like the mortals and escape the Hiddens' intentions. Those who did were called Spirits, and their children born in refuge were named Shadows. Neither returned.
Now, at the age of fifteen each Voltage is assigned to a group made up of one veteran and three or four other teens and sent out to find Hiddens and Shadows. The Hiddens, we are to end. The Shadows, we are to return with.
What we don't know, as if the similarity in names isn't enough, is how to tell them apart...
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hello, Double I here for the review!
Well, let me start off by saying this is an excellent piece. You really state the events and intentions well without letting too much on. I quite like that. You also introduce the powers very well.
I really can't find anything else to say, the reviews below me have pretty much covered everything.
Hopefully, my next reviews will be more constructive.
Hello, Em here with the review as requested. I apologize that it took me a while to review, I’ve had a little trouble getting motivated to do anything lately. Anyway, here’s the review.
Spelling and Grammar:
You have good grammar the only spelling mistake I found was you spelt twentieth and vengeance wrong: twentith should be twentieth and vengence should be vengeence.
Ok, so now for the general jif. You sound very intelligent in this piece. Intelligence is good because it keeps your reader reading and makes your piece more interesting. By intelligent I mean you have chosen good words and sentence structure. Good work.
I like the sense of mystery in this piece. Your first sentence makes me think ‘alien,’ and these benders are very alien to us. What makes a book good is when things are different, if everything was what we go through it wouldn’t be very entertaining. Your piece interests the reader from beginning to end, it’s a nice length. Not too long or short and it makes the reader want more.
The last sentence makes me go, ‘oooh, now there’s a problem.’ It makes me want to keep reading. You give a nice amount of information to intrigue and give the general idea of the story but not to make the reader know too much that they think they know it all.
The plot generating here is very creative, you have the problem set, the character and a bit of information on what’s going on and all.
I don’t think there is much to improve in this piece, it’s amazing as it is.
Hope this helped. From Em, XD
Oooh, I really like this. The first sentence was absolutely terrifying, at least to me. I liked how you described the Voltages briefly, but well enough that we know that they are. But you did loose me when you started to talk about the Trail of Tears. Excited to read more!
ohh! so interesting i wonder how you'll continue?
Very cool! I really like the idea of this story. I am definitely excited to read more. You managed to make this sound really epic without being over-the-top or confusing. So good job!
For the most part, you did a great job establishing your main character and the setting. Although we don't know his name, we know what he looks like and that he is a teenager. And that is plenty of information to start out with
The background info on the Voltages was alright. Towards the end of the prologue it felt a little long, but it started out good. You lost me a little when you started talking about the Trail of Tears and the Hiddens and the Spirits and Shadows and stuff, but it might just take time to get used to those terms. I don't know how much Indian Culture or the Trail of Tears stuff has to do with your story yet. But for the most part the explanations were good and easy to follow
Would you please send me a message when you post new chapters? I'm interested to read more. And let me know if you have any questions about your story or my review or anything, I'd be glad to help
blacksheep
Oh, this version is definitely a lot better. Brilliant. The one thing is, I liked the last time better when it was shorter. Other than that, it's a very good beginning. There's a lot of groups to keep track of, so you'll have to make sure in the rest of the story to keep the groups as distinct as you did in the prologue if that makes sense. Speaking of sense, I'm not sure I completely understand the third paragraph; but that might just be me.
This is wonderful; I really like what you did with it. Don't forget to tell me when you get the first chapter out, because I'll want to read it. Thanks for asking me to review this; this was really fun.
Thank you! The third paragraph? It was just a telling of the thinking process the first Voltages went through when they realized that they weren't alone on the earth. They didn't understand how two beings, so similar, were so different in meaning... I hope that makes sense.
Thank you again!