Young Writers Society

Hey again I like the turn of events, and also the fact you aren't scared to kill off some of your characters, lol. But I'm a little confused at what went down. How were they injured and why did they allow that stranger to just go up and snap Chandler's neck? Everything went on so fast it was hard to follow. Take your time. Even though you are just explaining Ronan waking up and finding his friends dead with this new villian, the description should make this chapter at least several pages.

Also, your dialogue punctuation is getting a lot better. Although the other reviewer did a great job, I believe they were wrong about the correction of the last line.

"Let's go, Ronan." she whispers. "T-there's nothing we can do."
I think should be
"Let's go, Ronan," she whispers, "T-there's nothing we can do."

Lastly, I think that some of your sentences can be a bit lengthy. By shortening them up a bit, I think you can create a faster pace with your narrative. Especially since this is supposed to be a more exciting part.

Tait is on his knees in the middle of it, a puddle forming around him as a mini-thunder shower clouds above his head, and Kelsey cowers behind him, holding her side as scarlet liquid begins to seep between her fingers.

could be split into two, like this.

Tait is on his knees in the middle of it, a puddle forming around him as a mini-thunder shower clouds above his head. Kelsey cowers behind him, holding her side as scarlet liquid begins to seep between her fingers.

also, this

Something shimmers about their images and I reach out to stop Chandler from heading towards them, but he shrugs me off and rushes to Tait's side.

could be more like this

Something shimmers about their images and I reach out to stop Chandler. He shrugs me off and races to Tait's side.

Just small suggestions. Best of luck with the next part!

Double I, here to review.

First thought as I read this: WHAAT? Did you just kill - ? My god, that was cruel. I kid, of course, as it's probably necessary, but hey, I quite liked the banter.
Secondly, excellent writing style, but again not much description, not so much the characters but the places, if you see what I mean.
One more nit-picky thing
"Which one of you kiddies wants to play next?" his voice rasps.
should be
"Which one of you kiddies wants to play next?" His voice rasps. (or rasped, come to think of it)

Hope this helped,
yours truly