The sky above crackles, thunder shattering the vapor into rain. With each strike of the blue-white light, my body tingles and sends pleasant shivers down the length of my spine. The others don't seem to be as satisfied with the weather though, our hair and clothes soaking wet.
"Ronan, stop the freaking storm." Chandler, the fireborn veteran, turns to me.
His orange red hair is the color of toffee flavored hard candy, matted to his forehead and covering his auburn
eyes. As it liquid slowly down the side of his face, I wonder if it's the same color of the dye he uses.
"I don't do rain, sorry." I smile, looking up at the sky and closing my eyes to feel the next strike.
"Then what the hell is going on? Every storm has it's Voltage."
I shrug and chuckle obnoxiously when the light cuts across the clouds.
"W-we should to f-find somewhere t-to s-stay the n-night." Grace, our stuttering little windstorm in a bottle shivers.
I open my eyes and find her cradling her torso as if afraid her contents would spill open like a piggy bank if she let go. Her gray eyes lock with mine, searching deep within me for the off-switch to the rain.
"Yeah, we should." The water-controlling Tait agrees with her, puppy-eyed.
He's fine with the storm though, absorbing the power it gives off just as I am, and is just trying to woo Grace.
"I couldn't agree more." Chandler grumbles, taking the lead.
We wander around town in search of a haven, but find nothing more than a mere alleyway. Underneath a creaky old fire escape, the pavement is dry and four of us could fit tightly, Tait would have to give his spot up for Kelsey, the earthshaking queen. I'm sure the flirt wouldn't mind.
Chandler takes the far edge and Kelsey sits at his side, Grace at her's. I take one last bolt of lightening before plopping beside her. She pulls her knees to her chest and glances at me, a strange blush in her cheeks. Her lips part to say something when Tait sits at my right. She looks down and swallows instead.
I slip my jacket off, even though it could be wringed out and still be soaked, and set it over her shoulders for warmth. The red in her face deepens and I flash a smile, looking away.
"We've gotta find whoever's causing the storm." Kelsey says, her voice low and soft as usual.
"We'll wait the night out." Chandler responds.
"It's going to be bad tonight though." Grace worries, looking at him. "I feel it. The air, it's unstable."
Chandler sighs, running a hand through his soaked hair.
"Whoever's the cause of the storm has got to be seriously troubled." I murmur, looking at the dark clouds hovering over the one side of town.
An idea comes to me and I stand, thinking it through as I step back into the rain.
"There."
I point to the darkest cloud of all. It's directly above what appears to be an appartment complex, the closest I've seen to the ground.
"I'm gonna go ahead, see if it's a Shadow or Hidden."
I'm to the mouth of the alley when Grace stands and tells me to wait up.
"I can help you with the wind." She says shyly once she reaches my side. "It's bad over there."
Glancing back, I get Chandler's okay and receive a jealous glare from Tait. I lead Grace out without saying anything else and offer her my arm. She loops her's through it and pulls herself closer to me.
"Your lips are blue." I notice.
"It's cold." She shivers, forcing a smile. "And I'm soaked."
"You can keep the jacket until you warm up then." I say, liking the way it looked on her anyway.
She smiles genuinely and looks at her feet to hide her flushed face.
We reach the building, my ears popping from the air pressure, and Grace wraps an arm around my waist as an
anchor, her beige hair whipping behind her like a flag.
"It's...Ronan, let's go back." She looks up at me, her face twisted in concern. "I don't like the feel of things here."
"It's alright." I tell her. "I just wanna look around. Then we will."
She studies me before nodding, her gaze shifting to the building.
"Can you sense where it's all coming from?" I ask.
"One of the top floors, but we shouldn't go up there. I don't like the instability."
I bite my bottom lip, looking up at the few top floors. One of the windows is broken, a shade flapping in and out with each gust of wind.
"If it's a Shadow... We've just got the ultimate weapon." I mumble, memorizing which window it is and turning to Grace.
"And if it's a Hidden, we're dead." She says.
"Don't think like that." I say, flashing a smile. "We could take this guy."
"I have my doubts."
Her lips break into a smile and I am caught simply staring at her. Then, the unthinkable happens. The body of a boy is thrown through the broken window.
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140,788 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Well I must say you now have me intrigued
I shall like to follow this story if you don't mind. I really like the characters so far and the fact that they can control different elements. The only nitpicks I have are a few misspellings and such. The one that stood out the most to me was this one sentence
I love the descriptive words. Nice cliff hanger too. Keep up the good work!
"I slip my jacket off, even though it could be wringed out and still be soaked, and set it over her shoulders for warmth. The red in her face deepens and I flash a smile, looking away."
Instead of "wringed" it should be "even though it could have been wrung out and still..."
But besides those few nitpicks...I very much enjoyed your first chapter. Be sure to take time and develope each character fully.
They are the ingredients to your story and need to be measured just right. You are well on your way with that though
Woah! I was totally not expecting that last line. That definitely adds some suspense. Very abrupt; and I like that. I don't have as many critiques for this as I did for your prologue; just that, at the beginning, it gets a bit repetitive when three people have to agree that they should get out of the storm. They shouldn't have to take a vote over such a small thing I don't think; but other than that, it's really great. I think Ronan and Grace's relationship is really sweet and I can't wait to see where that'll go. One thing though, is you haven't told us that much about Kelsey's personality. We know Tait's a flirt, Chandler's a bit cranky and the most experienced, Grace is sweet, and Ronan's daring; but we don't know anything about how Kelsey acts.
I love how you combine the tenderness and sweetness of the crush with the sudden abruptness of, well, a body being thrown out of a window. Really nice, can't wait for the next chapter, especially with a cliffhanger like that at the end!
Great opening paragraph! It really drew me in.
"The others don't seem to be as satisfied with the weather though, our hair and clothes soaking wet. "
I thought maybe this line (the last of the 1st paragraph) could be changed to something like: The others don't seem to be as satisfied with the weather though; we stand together in the rain, our hair and clothes soaking wet. (Just an idea)
And *gasp* Ronan is a name of one of MY characters! I haven't written a story about him yet, but I drew a picture of him.
"His orange red hair is the color of toffee flavored hard candy, matted to his forehead and covering his auburn
eyes. As it liquid slowly down the side of his face, I wonder if it's the same color of the dye he uses."
This felt wordy and a bit confusing. I don't know what you mean in the second sentence. For some reason I'm thinking that his dye is coming out of his hair and dripping onto his face. To avoid the wordiness in the first line, maybe try: His matted hair, the color of toffee, hung over his bright auburn eyes. Or something a little shorter than what you had.
For the most part this is a solid chapter with very little errors. I think I spotted a comma that should've been a period, and maybe a few lines that could've been better revised, but nothing too big. I'm sure if you leave this chapter sit for a week and then come back to it you will be able to polish it up a tad.
I really liked your dialogue and what I got from your characters this chapter. They all seem to have personality. Be careful with making Ronan seem too cool, if you know what I mean. It seems like he's a good looking guy that has Grace as an admirer and the other guys are a bit jealous and he has a dazzling smile yada yada x) That's all good for a first chapter, but make sure you throw in some flaws as well.
My favorite thing about this was the idea that this group was kind of storm hunting to find people. I imagine that they track tornadoes or thunderstorms all the time to try and find Shadows or Hiddens, and to me that is insanely cool. An original idea, as far as I know. I really love it.
Hope I helped!