z

Young Writers Society


12+

Blood Sisters (Ch. 3) Alice

by Rosewood


Day One

Why is a room warmer, chocolate richer, and life better all together with someone you care about? Legs crossed and fingers clasped around scalding cups of cocoa, we swap tales and secrets - non assassination related of course. 

"Your brother did what?"

Rory giggles and leans in conspiratorially. "For two years, he milked Samuel Henderson's cow, Jessie, at the crack of dawn. He thought she was just getting old - couldn't get a drop out of her. He decided that she was just too much for getting so little, told us he'd sell her for real cheap. Imagine his surprise when -" She and I burst out laughing, unable to hold our rowdiness in.

"What... what have you and your brother been doing for a profit? I mean, to afford chocolate?"

My laughter dies out and I give her a look of dazed humility. "We do what we need to, you know, making ends meet any way we can."

She narrows her eyes into a playful glare. "Don't give me that, I know you must be doing something." All at once, a sober look washes over her face. "You steal, don't you?"

I lean back, rubbing my face. The lie comes naturally, and the muscles in my face align to further the act. "Not usually. We've been in a pinch lately and... like I said, ends need to be met." I drop my eyes and sigh. "You hate me, don't you?"

"No... no, of course I don't! I just think that..."

"That what?"

"That you're smart. Smarter than me or anyone I know. Heck, you can hear it in your voice! I sound like a hick from - we're getting off topic. What I'm trying to say is that I'm sure you could find a better way if you tried. You go to school?"

I shrug. "Not since I was little. I never fit in much, mainly due to my supposed mental illness." I leave out the fact that my brother was the one to create that very rumor.

"But you don't, do you?"

"Well..." At a loss for words, I let my voice trail off.

The front door suddenly flies open, slamming loudly against the back wall. Rory jumps, her eyes wide with fight, and her shirt drenched with steaming chocolate. I, myself am startled. Not too often does that happen because I've never been in this situation before.

"Alice, they caught on. Jose, he had a partner-" His heavy footsteps and his loud words cut off mid-sentence. "Who is she?"

I open my mouth to explain, but Rory beats me to it. "You must be her brother! I'm Rory, and since you and her had a thing today I thought-"

He gives her a look that could kill and me one of pure betrayal. I imagine he's plotting my death.

"You know what? I don't care. She's coming too."

She pales and glances at me. "I don't think-"

I shake my head and shoot him an equally furious expression. I know what he means by that and I don't like it one bit. "Harold, I agree with her. This really-"

"I disagree." He says with such finality. Yup, definitely not going to listen to me. He's past reasoning. "I think this is the only option. Get up, we're leaving."

Rory looks to me for reassurance, a look of confusion and fear much too present on her face. I know that, however wrong I may be, she needs it. Harold is in one of his moods, and he may force me to take action. Or even, this is just a plan to scare me into submission. I can't let him know it does. What I need to do is plot her escape - even if it means I take the bullet.

I turn to Rory, harden my expression until I hope it's unreadable. I try to do the same with my eyes, but I know they must be filled with worry. They're the part, the only part, of me that I can't mask perfectly with lies. 

"You need to come with us."

"But-"

"Please, I need you to trust me."

After a moment, which I'm fearful Harold will step in on, she nods slowly.

"Okay... I trust you."

Harold's voice, thick with meaning, interrupts. "Are you done? We need to go."

I narrow my eyes. "Of course. Have you started the truck?"

"It's purring like a kitten." He gives Rory a sickly-sweet smile. "Rory, was it? After you. We're in a bit of a rush."

"I'll get a suitcase." I volunteer. "Rory should come with me. She'll need something to wear other than a chocolate stained nightgown."

Harold grins. "Not at all. I have a bag prepared. She'll use your things."

I narrow my eyes and grab Rory's hand. "I show her the way - there's snakes on the path to the truck."

"Oh, please do, I hate snakes." She says, nodding gratefully. I wish I could tell her to shut her mouth. If she despises snakes, she has no business speaking with or around my brother.

"I'll be right behind you."

I practically wrench Rory's arm from her socket. "Sure thing!"

Once free from the stuffy enclosure with Harold, I pull Rory close. "You must promise me, you won't talk to him. I can explain - will explain - later. You must promise me."

She nods, hardly understanding the importance of her answer. "Yeah, sure. You need to promise me something too, okay?"

I flare my nose. "What?"

"You and your brother know what you're doing?"

I grin, letting a smooth, confident composure coat my face. My eyes must be dripping with fear and uncertainty, but her relaxed composure tells me she buys it. I know the difference between her death and mine is in how I respond.

"Of course."


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Fri Aug 13, 2021 5:04 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Heyyyy! Forever here with a review!

Seems like the friendship is at its peak and the bonding between Rory and Alice is quite strong, unbreakable perhaps. Now, that makes me wonder about something-the title. Blood Sisters. Will Rory and Alice end up doing murders hand in hand? Hm... Definitely interesting and mysterious.

This chapter was a little bit vague.
Now, I think you have gotta give some glimpse of how the friendship became so strong. As of now, it seems like it happened all of a sudden. Like they met someday and suddenly they bacame friends. I was expecting some sort of backstory but as I am not getting, I should mention it that some backstory should be provided.

Next, the setting. Where are they? Rory's house or Alice's house? Although I had forgotten to mention it in the last chapter, how did she really came to know about Rory's house? I hope I am not missing anything about Rory. Now, it seems like Rory's house gathering from the details and everything of packing clothes, etc. Also, what happened to te fight? Just clear it up a bit.

This chapter was really good excluding those points. It's gonna be a good adventure hiding from the Police, I reckon. The conversation was a really good way of telling us about her past and Rory's opinion about Alice. When Harold enters the house, you have gotta mention that. I guess you forgot to. Now, I wonder why Alice asked Rory to not talk with Harold. Seems like for the snake. Again a mystery.

A lot of mysteries and a great chapter.

Keep Writing!

~Forever




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Sat Aug 07, 2021 2:38 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Rosewood,

Mailice back with another review! :D

Now here's what I wanted to happen in the last chapter. I loved that the conversation between Rory and Alice felt very real at some points and that they talked about things that were more entertaining.

I really liked that you put that in, and that you saw more of that kind of build up in the friendship here already. I also noticed positively that despite the dynamic conversation, you inserted who was talking several times, which helped to get the hang of it.

I also liked that Harold suddenly rushing in wasn't out of place or anything, but that you put it across in a great tone. In general, I thought the chapter was great writing. Above all, after that quiet beginning, you manage to go into a fast-paced new tone, building up a new arc of tension.

I also noticed that you always start with "Day One". I think this means that the story takes place in a few days, and that you are giving the reader an overview. I think if you want you can change that to an indefinite date, like "August XX". That gives the story more finesse.

Two points that stood out to me:

Why is a room warmer, chocolate richer, and life better all together with someone you care about? Legs crossed and fingers clasped around scalding cups of cocoa, we swap tales and secrets - non assassination related of course.


I think it's a really, really nice introduction. Well written, good beginning where the reader can ask themselves a question but also to get into the story.

"Alice, they caught on. Jose, he had a partner-" His heavy footsteps and his loud words cut off mid-sentence. "Who is she?"


You can follow who's coming, but you'd have to mention it's Harold.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




Rosewood says...


Thanks for the feedback! Just thought I should mention that the days thing is just my playing around with some ideas, and I%u2019ll be sure to smooth it out later!



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Wed Dec 30, 2020 1:50 am
SpunkyMonkey wrote a review...



Hi! Spunky here to review!

Grows:

Okay, let's start off with this sentence,

I shrug. "Not since I was little. I never fit in much, mainly due to my supposed mental illness." I leave out the fact that my brother was the one to create that very rumor.

"But you don't, do you?"


Why is Rory saying "But you don't, do you?" Am I missing something obvious? LOL

Rory jumps, her eyes wide with fight, and her shirt drenched...


Did you mean fright?

I, myself am startled. Not too often does that happen because I've never been in this situation before.


In the first sentence the comma isn't needed. In the second one, I was confused a little bit. I had to reread it a couple times to understand why it sounded incorrect. The "Not too often does that happen..." Contradicts with "Never have I been in this situation before."

Glows: This story has me hooked. I absolutely love it! Your description, your dialogue...everything is amazing! The sentence,

I grin, letting a smooth, confident composure coat my face.


Is my absolute favorite. I love your style, and so far, the storyline is compelling. Good luck on your novel!




Rosewood says...


Oh wow, thanks spunkyspacekitty! Your review was very helpful and I'll fix my mistake as soon as I can. As for your first question, Rory was referring to Alice's supposed mental illness.


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SpunkyMonkey says...


You're welcome! And thanks for clearing that up XD



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Sun Nov 01, 2020 6:47 pm
momonster says...



Oh my goodness, I just realized this was double posted. I'm so sorry! I'll get a mod to delete it right away. :D




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momonster wrote a review...



Momo, here to review!

I like this chapter, and I can't wait to see where things are going! You are also an amazing author and I enjoy reading your stuff. A couple of things I want to point out, so here you go!

we swap tales and secrets, (non assassination related of course).

I think you should replace the parentheses here with commas. Also, take out the comma. Because if you took the parentheses out, it would be, "secrets,." so see if you can change it up. :D

"You're brother did what?"

It should be your here, because you're is short for you are, so, you are brother did what? Also, see if you can show who's talking here; I got confused.

"For two years, he milked Samuel, I pull he Henderson's cow, Jessie, at the crack of dawn. He thought she was just getting old - couldn't get a drop out of her. He decided that she was just too much for getting so little, told us he'd sell her for real cheap. Imagine his surprise when -"

This paragraph is poorly written. There are misspellings, and it doesn't really make sense. I bolded the part that should be edited. :D

like I said, ends need to be meant."

I think you mean, "ends need to be met."?

"I disagree," Yup, definitely not going to listen to me.

A period instead of a comma after disagree.

"I show her the way - there's snakes on the path."

Which path? The path to the car?

That's it! Keep writing; I can't wait for the next chapter!
Momo




Rosewood says...


Thanks Momo! With every one of these, I have no clue what I was thinking. I guess that's a good sign I shouldn't edit when I'm tired.




Goos are anarchists.
— WeepingWisteria