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The Moon Needs Her Night Chapter 17

by inktopus


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

It took several days for Asha’s body to become fully used to the new rhythm. Day and night mixed up in her head until her thoughts were neither light, nor dark, but she soon fell into a groove. It seemed that Yuni adapted to the change more more quickly. Asha had found that her companion enjoyed variety and did not need the same routine that Asha thrived on.

The closer they got to the border, the more Yuni seemed to thrum with energy. With every passing day, she became more restless. She went through bouts of barely making a sound at all, to periods in which Asha started to curse the sound of Yuni’s very voice until she finally, inevitably, went hoarse.

The consequence of this quiet rhythm was complacency.

A bad feeling cast a shadow over Asha like a stormcloud. She had never taken any stock in the belief that mages had some sort of sixth sense, but she was seriously reconsidering her disbelief. She grabbed Yuni’s upper arm, leaning close to her ear. “I feel like we’re being followed. Don’t panic, just walk like normal, but be ready in case something happens.”

Asha rarely practiced magic while moving. At school, she had learned how for a combat magic course, but she had always been more interested in developing spells rather than using them to incapacitate or hurt others.

Eyes pointed straight ahead, she began counting the beat of her steps, keeping them steady, grounded. She matched her breaths to the thud of her feet and spread her mind across the landscape, drawing invisible energy into herself.

Flicking her eyes to the side, she caught a glimpse of black. An earth-shaking crack rang across the plains and the black figure blinked into non-existence. A split second later, the figure reappeared, and Asha found her feet rooted to the ground. From underneath the mage’s hood, an apelike face peered out. Bushy eyebrows sprouted from a protruding brow, and the mage grinned sadistically. Using the magic she had stored inside her, she overpowered the spell to keep her in place.

Her stomach dropped when she remembered Yuni. Looking wildly around, she shouted, “Yuni!” Finally, she spotted her, writhing in the grip of another black cloaked mage, mouth shut, but eyes wide. Asha swore out loud; they must have been blocking magic on her, but it was still worth a shot. Reaching out with her mind, she found that it was true. With Asha unable to include Yuni in her spells, there was no way to teleport.

When she tried to move again, her feet were once more rooted to the spot. With a desperate shout, Asha forced the little energy she had left outward, breaking the hold once more. In a flurry of swirling black cloak, Asha whirled around to face her attacker, his sneering ape-like face taunting her. As quickly as she was able, she siphoned the energy from the grass around her, all of it falling to the ground as black ashes.

Thrusting out the energy, she manipulated the air; an unnatural gale throwing her assailant backward. Using the time she bought, she reached out with her mind, finding the other mage’s energy on lockdown. Despite his appearance, the man’s mind was strong. Very strong.

Clenching her jaw, she began slowly snaking the remnants of the energy she used for the wind into bonds to hold the first mage while she dealt with the second.

While the block on Yuni meant that magic couldn’t directly affect her body, outside forces manipulated by magic could still affect her.

A blow to her cheek caught her by surprise. The ape-like man was sitting up, while stones floated around him. A hot trickle of blood ran down Asha’s cheek, resting in the corner of her mouth. Wiping it away with a hand, she began to wrestle for control of the stones in the air, all of them frantically wobbling in the air. With a final burst of energy supplemented by her own, she wrested control of the rocks and aimed every single one of them at the man. Not skipping a beat, Asha fired each stone at the man’s head, and he dropped like the stones that felled him.

She couldn’t spare a moment to assess the man’s condition. Breaking into a sprint, she refilled her stores of energy, more grass disintegrating around her. Blood from the laceration on her cheek trickled into her open, panting mouth, and she copied her earlier trick, using a gust of wind to blow Yuni’s captor back. She swore when her gale was nullified by the other mage. In a panic, she took a wild chance.

It paid off.

The other mage hadn’t protected herself like she had Yuni; it took most of Asha’s stored energy to pull her arms open wide, but she succeeded in freeing Yuni. Startled, the mage loosened her magical grip on Yuni as well as her corporeal hold.

They were free. They were finally free. Asha began the process of restocking her energy reserves, but she was stopped in her tracks by a thunderous boom. Black spots bloomed in her eyes and an incessant ringing in her ears, made everything feel far away. Asha swayed on her feet, but managed to stay upright. Her head ached. Her brain felt like it was too big for her skull. Everything felt too damn warm.

The ringing in her ears did not subside, but she could faintly hear shouting. The spots swimming in her vision did not dissipate, but she could still see Yuni grappling with one of the mages. Asha pulled in energy. More energy than she had ever used before. For the first time in her life, she did not care where it came from. Just not Yuni.

Never Yuni.

Yuni’s fist met the face of one of the mages. She began to be dragged down by an invisible force.

A noiseless boom echoed across the plains. The ringing became louder, and the spots took over her vision completely.


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362 Reviews


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Mon Aug 13, 2018 11:02 am
zaminami wrote a review...



Hey yo ink! I know that I am very late to do this, but I want to feel good about myself so here I am lmao

So the first thing that I noticed while skimming through this chapter is that you start out choppy and end less choppy. You don't end with the best flow in the world, but less choppy. Am I saying choppy a lot? It's fun to say. Choppy choppy choppy.

**coughs** moving on.

If I were to read this out loud, it would sound inhuman and unrealistic to a narrator telling the story. This isn't the biggest problem here (it's just a first draft!) but it is a problem that you will need to eventually fix. There are also quite a few awkwardly worded sentences here, which you would see if you say it out loud.

I am really dealing the "say it out loud" card.

Also, you talk about energy... a lot. In fact, you repeat the word energy 13 times. I would recommend using another word instead, as to not bore your readers. I also think that the fact that Asha was almost out of energy for almost the whole chapter and yet was able to do what I think might be complicated spells seems a bit unrealistic to me. Just saying.

I did like the first paragraph, though. It set up the chapter very well and was probably the least choppy paragraph in the entire chapter. I think that (and most authors/writers generally do this) you spent a lot of your creative energy on that one paragraph and then didn't have nearly as much for the rest, much like how Asha spent her energy in this chapter.

Please take all of that with a grain of salt. I didn't read any of the other chapters, so I don't know what's really going on :P

Have a fantabulous day!

this review was brought to you by zaminami, goddess of souls and demons

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Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:40 pm
zaminami says...



Uuu so do you still want me to review this? I was wondering since I'm trying to catch up on my WRFF thread




inktopus says...


No, it's fine



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Fri Dec 01, 2017 3:44 am
jamgalloway wrote a review...



Hey, there, I'm here to leave a review(as you can see). I haven't been keeping up with this story so I won't mention anything plot-wise since I don't want to sound like a buffoon, but there are a couple of other things I want to mention. But not that much because this was pretty good. :)

The pacing was really good in this, but I felt like there should've been more dialogue or thoughts from Asha or something. Like I said this is written very well and the pacing is good, but in the middle of the action there it starts to feel like there's too much telling going on, so maybe a little dialogue or thoughts or something would help that.

As for grammar, there was really only occasionally small mistakes so I won't point anything specific out. Nearly perfect on this aspect.

I think the setting could use a little work. Maybe this was mentioned in a previous chapter, but there's really no description over the setting in this chapter unless I overlooked it, so at least a brief description would be good. I'm awful about this myself though so it's certainly not like I'm any better, lol.

The description was good so I don't really have anything to say there either. Basically, the only flaws I saw was the ones I already pointed out, and even they weren't all that big a deal. This was really good. Keep it up, and if you need/want anything, just let me know! Even if it's just talking or whatever else. :)




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Wed Nov 15, 2017 5:36 pm
DougalOfBiscuits wrote a review...



Alrighty, here we go on this review!

Nit-picks and nice moments (well, singular nice moment. when i'm in a rush those are usually the first to go/not get mentioned, but this one was just too sweet):

It seemed that Yuni adapted to the change more more quickly.

I'm assuming the first more was meant to be much.

The closer they got to the border, the more Yuni seemed to thrum with energy. With every passing day, she became more restless.

So, there's a slight contradiction here. Well, maybe just unexplained contrast.Yuni is doing much better at adjusting, but also she's more restless. I'm assuming that both of these things are caused by her being from here. She's more used to the light patterns, so she gets used to it first. She's closer to the place she's from, so she's getting excited and nervous. The thing is that I have to speculate to make this connection. Otherwise it just sounds strange that she's both calmer than Asha and more restless. I get that it's logically possible, but it just sounds a bit weird. You might want to say something like, "Oddly enough, being close to her home made Yuni restless... etc" or "This was balanced out by Yuni's restlessness due to... etc".

but she was seriously reconsidering her disbelief

I feel like this could use a "starting to" before "seriously"

Her stomach dropped when she remembered Yuni. Looking wildly around, she shouted, “Yuni!” Finally, she spotted her, writhing in the grip of another black cloaked mage

I'm not clear on when they got split up, so this was a bit confusing.

The other mage hadn’t protected herself like she had Yuni; it took most of Asha’s stored energy to pull her arms open wide,

I don't think I understand why this is such a crazy idea - whole "wild chance" thing

They were finally free.

I don't really feel like the fight had been lasting that long.

Just not Yuni.

Never Yuni.

D'awwr... gahhh... squeee... <3 <3 <3 <3

Overall:

Oooh nice cliffhanger. Feels especially significant with the feels I just got in that nice moment I mentioned. Pls let Yuni be okaaaaay!

I think all your worrying about pacing has paid off, in that this felt pretty well paced. It's difficult for me to comment on the plot, cos I kinda suggested that Yuni be incapacitated :P I think the way you've done it is definitely the kind of thing I was picturing, which focuses the jeopardy on the human relationship, which I think is really useful.

Slightly broader thing, why do they actually need Asha? Maybe I've just forgotten this (if so it should probably be reinforced every so often) but I get that Asha was going to warn her people but given that these people are more powerful than her (at the very least there's more of them) how much of a threat does this actually pose? This seems like a lot of time to spend on someone who is clearly good at getting away but who probably can't stop the coming events.

I'm not saying there's no reason that could be there, happy to try and discuss this further, but I think there needs to be at least a more constant reminder of what the motivations of the baddies is.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)





Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.
— Poe