The birds and the bees
Steve the bird looked passionately at Rosie the bee. They had long been completely and utterly in love. And today, the day of their anniversary, they would consummate their love. Widely considered taboo, the bond between them proved impossible to break, and ultimately, they procreated.
In an event that has been considered the beginning of the downfall of humanity, something evil was created. Tyler the birdbee was born.
Chaos ensued.
In the years that followed, mankind finally regained their dominance of the planet and humanity once again flourished. Life went on, history was written, and the world seemed to be stronger from their horrid experiences. President Jeff Jefferson declared that hunting birds would be legal all throughout the year. Catching bees became a national pastime.
Five years after the initial catastrophe, Steve the bird, inexplicably still alive – probably due to a diet consisting mostly of honey – found himself in a romantic mood there he rested, perched on a long oak branch. Being the originator of the birdbee flu (which was also a thing!), he was as you might imagine, quite open to the most of things. As such, a particular, cute little number caught his eye.
Mary the spider was minding her own business, spinning her web and trying to absorb as much sunlight as she could, to work on her fabulous tan. Out of the corner of her eye (or several eyes), she noticed quick movement and the tangles of her web catch the slight disturbance as a small creature lands on a nearby branch. It’s Steve the bird.
Steve the bird looks the spider up and down, trying to check out her smooth, though still hairy legs, though in the end he finds it difficult as he loses count of which legs he’s checked out and which he hasn’t. Either way, in his mind, he quickly goes over a line which he once heard during an episode of ‘Friends’ and he leans in closer and winks toward Mary the spider.
“How you doin’?”
Despite numerous brave fights from both Tobey Maguire (the real Spiderman) and Scarlett Johansson, this new, even deadlier threat proves too evil and too cunning.
This time, mankind was truly doomed.
The spiderbird inherits the Earth.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
I won't even question what's going on in this story, because I don't want to ruin the humor. It is very funny in a completely random way. I like it.
Birkhoff
That was epic lol.
I love how at the end you included -
Tobey Maguire (the real Spiderman)
That was probably one of my favorite things from this poem.
I truly hope this was meant to be humorous haha.
Jeff Jefferson sounds like an interesting guy (for name and for the bird hunting law)
I love how you made it sound so serious when you put
"Chaos insued"
Overall this was great especially for a late night writing project
Awesome, love the Joey quote(:
I loved this.
*claps*
Wow. This was very funny and I enjoyed reading it.
Right before I saw this, I was listening to the song "Dirty Paws" by Of Monsters And Men. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCHUw7ACS8o
So of course I was singing it when I saw this.
Your story made the song so much better.
Congratulations! You are the lucky recipient of my 1075th review!
With that said, I shall begin by pointing out some grammatical stumbles no one else caught.
Either this is a run-on sentence, or "there he rested" should be "where he rested." In either case, this is quite a long and complex sentence, which feels a touch out of place compared to the rest of the language used in this.
You also use parentheses for the parenthetical in the next sentence, which is a bit inconsistent, since you used m-dashes for this parenthetical only. I'd recommend switching to the parentheses in this sentence, to keep things more consistent.
This sentence has a comma splice after "could". The easiest fix would be to nix the comma there, but I'd recommend rephrasing the sentence slightly so it reads more smoothly since there are a lot of very short and weak words stretching it out. Something like "absorb as much sunlight as possible to improve her fabulous tan" would make the second half of the sentence a bit more polished.
Here we have another somewhat rambling sentence. I'd recommend splitting this into two smaller sentences for the sake of flow. The parenthetical here is also more distracting than humorous, and I'd recommend deleting it entirely. Lastly, there's a tense shift in here, where you go from past (which the first half of the story is written in) suddenly to present ("catch" and "lands"), which is a bit jarring.
Something like "Out of the corner of her eyes, she noticed a quick movement. The tangles of her web caught the slight disturbance of a small creature landing on a nearby branch." reads more smoothly and consistently, and even then, I'd recommend that you find some more vivid verbs, such as "spied" instead of "noticed", to spice up the language a bit more. Since this piece is so short, your language needs to be more vivid and precise to convey as much information as possible in so small a space.
This sentence has too many "and"s. Commas are your friend, and lists make everything better. Basically, the action parts of the sentence are better written as "he quickly goes over a line which he once heard during an episode of ‘Friends’, leans in closer, and winks at Mary the spider."
On a side note, you wink at people; not towards. Winking towards someone involves blinking in and out of existence while moving in closer to the person you're winking towards. Most creatures are not capable of this sort of winking (though now I'm imagining Steve doing this and it's really funny considering how a lot of birds dance during courtship).
I think right after this, there should be a scene break of some sort because we jump directly into the aftermath of the successful courtship, completely skipping over that it was successful.
Another tense shift. I think it would be a good idea to figure out which tense you want to tell this story in: past or present. Right now, you do a lot of switching between the two, and while I do like having the tense switch for the final line to give it a bit more impact, it's a pretty jarring in the rest of the story.
I'd recommend keeping the majority of the story in past tense, with just the final line being in present.
As far as the story itself goes, lol. I liked how silly this was. Silly stories need more love.
Tenses!
They suck.
LOL brilliant!
I have no idea what's going on here but this story is hilarious and it gave me a good laugh, haha! I like it.
Nerd. It needs more of the birdbee. That's a character I liked! Also, you mention Tobey Maguire and Scarlett Johansson, but there's a total dearth of Brad Pitt. Honestly, I'm not sure what to say about a piece that completely lacks Brad Pitt. I say you scrap everything but the Birdbee, Tyler, and cast Brad Pitt in the role of Steve the bird. Otherwise, this is just shameful.
#thatisall #tylerthebirdbee
Both Tobey and Scarlett had spider connections, noobmaster. Brad Pitt, while totally awesome, would be out of place.
And in the large scale of things, Tyler the birdbee wasn't that big a threat. The spiderbird is what doomed humanity. You could say Tyler was weaksauce.
There has never in all of history been a Tyler who was weaksauce. LOOK IT UP IT'S TRUE.
It's beautiful <3
This is the most amazing piece I've ever read. I cackled like a witch after she's been told a good joke throughout the story. It's really quite funny. There isn't much to review here, I just wanted to tell you that this piece is awesome. Thanks.
You are a dork.
Nonetheless, I am amused, too much to not drop you a line.
Consummate, you mean?
Only you would...
Totally gonna be "that girl" and say there should be a space between the word and the -
Johansson*
BUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
Okay, in all seriousness, this ends rather... cliff-hanger-y? Is that even a word? Personally, I think if you swapped the last two sentences, it would have more of a conclusion-y feeling. Ya feel?
Reviewing silly stories was always hard for me. There isn't anything to nitpick, really. Just loads of laughs and, yup, head shakes on my end of the internet. This was completely silly and you're a dork, again. >> but this was a good silly. Nice idea. I enjoyed reading it.
Now go to bed and give me something more to read tomorrow.
~Your favorite HFS
You're a dork.
I hope the spiderbirds attack your house first.
We all agree.
This is hysterical. XD