flash fiction , 302 words
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The bonfire was dying, flickering in the night. The new boy had left the circle, returning shortly with more firewood.
She sat there, beside her closest friend, head resting on her shoulder, their toes dug into the sand. Aside this again sat the friend’s boy, looking into the fire. Two couples, side by side. “I’m not feeling too hot.” She said, and the friend shuffled her more length of blanket.
The lake was still, the moonlight glimmering shiny in its glasslike reflection. Cool, inviting. Soon the new boy fed the fire, and the circle grew; warmth licking at their feet.
Then they went bathing, her and the new boy. The welcoming freshness of both night and the unexplored too dense to deny. Their friends remained by the fire, in tight embrace, eyeing the still waters change, leaving its perfect stillness behind, forming ripples, spreading outwards, like a broken mirror.
“Looks like they’re together now.” The friend whispered.
“Seems so.” Her boy said, resting his chin lightly atop her head.
Soon the ripples died down, and the newly formed couple disappeared from view beyond the reeds. The reflective mirror of the lake once again shone by the brightness of the moon.
“Do you think she’ll ever settle down?” She asked him.
The question remained unanswered, and they both gazed up at the starry night sky. Before them, as if lit up with the very essence of life itself, the bonfire roared. Sparks spilled upwards into the sky, spreading with the wind. For an undefinable moment the fire seemed to puff itself up, as if drawing breath for a long sentence, if it could utter it. Then it died down, and the bonfire almost lost all life and would soon require more firewood.
In the dim of the night, that felt like a maybe.
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Hey! Sharon here for a quick review. I see you've got quite a few reviews on this work. I understand that this is a flash fiction work but I feel even though it is of extreme brevity, it should be able to possess some inner meaning. Like, being able to say a lot in a few words so that even though it actually lasts for a very short period of time, its effect should have been a bit more long lasting. This work could actually serve as a great chapter for a novel but falls short for a one-time read. And if this is all that you wanted to express the word selection should have been a bit more apt. Like, it could have been a bit more poetic. And also, I would love if the characters here could have been given a more clear picture. I think that is all that I felt after reading this work and please be sure to correct me if there has been any misinterpretation on my part. Thank you
Oooooh flash fiction, I haven't reviewed that in a while.
You know, despite being 302 words long, it proved a long and satisfying story to me. There's no background behind the two couples, where they are, or why they're there, but that's not necessary. What matters is the relationships being built here, and those are conveyed exceptionally well. I like the new boy and his sense of altruism, as well as the desire to wade in the lake, simply out of curiosity and a desire to enjoy the waters, and I can see what the girl sees in him. Even the friend and her boy are casual and relaxed around each other, and it's clear that they are fitting relationship. All in all, in spite of their strange situation, everyone seems content and happy; it helps that they are in a setting described as beautifully as it is. The fire, as much as it fluctuates, is eager to contribute to the peaceful mood and environment. Its personification, in the way that it's described as almost trying to state something, and appears to resort to nature's version of maybe, is perhaps my favorite part of the story.
I did find some parts of the story confusing. The new boy returning with firewood makes sense, but then you say "Aside this again sat the friend's boy", which made me confuse new boy and friend's boy, though the "two couples" line clearly differentiates them. Also, though it is stylistic, I had to reread the line "The welcoming freshness of both night and the unexplored too dense to deny." a couple of times to make sense of it. Nevertheless, your style is unique and effective throughout the rest of the piece, especially in the ripples of the lake and how they dissipate. It was a good, calming read, and I'm happy that you posted it. Great job!
Hi there Birk. This is Kays here dropping in for a review on this quite short piece of flash fiction of yours.
What I enjoyed most about this piece of yours first and foremost is probably the imagery and description. The tone is set by the strong word choice and vocabulary and the atmosphere of this flash fiction is one of the positive elements here with that bonfire vibe running throughout. That's what originally struck a chord with me because I love getting that type of vibes from writing. Make us visualize and feel all five senses of what it's like to be around a bonfire. Sensory details are great and exactly for this purpose. Keep that in because this is spectacular.
On the other hand, there are elements here that I found could've been better done than the current outcome. Primarily the themes and meaning are the most confusing parts here. From what I'm able to gather, the one girl and one boy are talking to each other and the other girl is now with the other boy and dates...many people? To be more specific, the other girl doesn't seem to settle down with a person to get married and almost acts if love is a game? That's what I got from the small amount of dialogue and hinting anyway. At the beginning of the piece, is him being the new boy another hint? That's what I'm taking that part as although I'm not entirely sure. Give more context for people like me who are totally lost at points...not to a huge fault of the author. Dx
I kind of also realized...there isn't a perspective that this is being written in? That came out to be a little weird in my head but this makes sense because there are only four characters and these are four unnamed characters at that. The ending is nice and while my curiosity is itching for more (because darn this scene and the vibes grew on me throughout the time that I reviewed this), the piece ends at a strong stopping point. Gah, that's how exceptional flash fiction makes ya feel after reading. Legit, cool beans on this one Birk. I digged this because in my mind this hits all the notes in making well-written flash fiction.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Hi, birk! I'm Pan and I'll be reviewing your work today. Let's get straight to it!
Nitpicks
Rather than 'dug', this should be 'digging'.
This bit is quite confusing. Do you mean 'aside them' rather than 'aside this again?' That would make more sense, because it isn't really clear what 'this' refers to. Similarly, do you mean 'the boy and his friend'? Just 'the friend's boy' makes it sound like there are only three people sitting around the fire, even though you establish after that there are four.
1) You need to start a new line with this bit of dialogue.
2) 'She' shouldn't have a capital letter and the full stop after 'hot' should be a comma. You make this error a few times, so I'll just do a few examples of the standard to which dialogue is written:
"Let me go," she said.
"Will you stop doing that?" her friend snapped.
"Help me with this!" the girl cried.
Where you have a dialogue tag (e.g. 'she said', 'he said', 'the man shouted') you should never close the dialogue with a full stop. You should also never capitalise the first letter of the dialogue tag, not even if the dialogue closes with a question mark or exclamation mark - if you see "Stop!" He said then you're in the wrong territory. No capital letters and no full stops.
3) I think you could do with naming a couple of these characters and differentiating them in some way, because I'm not sure who 'the friend' is actually referring to - I'd guess it's the POV character's friend, but it isn't clear. There's also something distinctly odd about the fact that this friend, who the POV character is apparently so close to, is never even referred to by name. It makes her feel like a placeholder, a sort of empty shell.
I don't think you really need 'shiny' here. Doesn't really add anything.
Do you mean that the flame is growing? 'Circle' is a strange word choice - I don't see how it links to a bonfire. I first thought you were referring to the circle of people watching the fire or something.
1) This is a fragment, and you've got a missing article before 'freshness'. It should be something like:
The welcoming freshness of both the night and the unexplored was too dense to deny.
2) I don't...really know what you mean by 'too dense to deny'. I find 'dense' a strange word choice. I don't feel like freshness and denseness marry well together - there's something incongruous about them.
'In a tight embrace' would read better.
The expression is off here. You're talking about the water being still but then you mention ripples, so it's obviously not still. Maybe something like:
eyeing the ripples in the changing water, which spread outwards like the cracks in a broken mirror.
It's just an example, but it's a bit more concise and centred on a single image, which makes it easier to follow.
1) Which newly-formed couple are you referring to here? The one on the beach or the one in the water? See what I said earlier about needing to differentiate the characters a bit more.
2) Which reeds are these? You use 'the' as if you've mentioned them before, but I don't know anything about them, so I can't really picture where the characters are disappearing to. Are the reeds on the beach or in the sea? Try to paint the setting in a bit more detail.
Overall Thoughts
1) There's some nice imagery here. The last description of the bonfire is strong, especially the parts about sparks spilling into the sky and the the fire drawing breath for a long sentence - they're lovely, evocative images. You're good at using the senses, as well. That line about the warmth licking their feet particularly stands out.
2) As for the actual meaning of the piece, I'm pretty confused. I'm not really sure what's going on. Part of this comes from the fact that the characters are so loosely separated from each other and are never referred to by name, so I'm not always sure who is doing what. When she says "Do you think she'll ever settle down?" I can't work out who 'she' is. I also don't understand the actual meaning of the dialogue, because I don't know anything about the person it's referring to - I don't know if they've a history of commitment issues or if they're a remorseless heartbreaker or anything at all, so I don't really know what the comment was spurred by. Everything is too vague. You need to establish your characters as people, because at the moment they're just a bunch of blank faces in my head.
3) Watch you don't overuse your adverbs of time. Like here:
Neither 'soon' nor 'then' are particularly necessary here. We'd understand the progression of events just fine without them. Using adverbs of time where they're not needed can make the writing feel a bit trite and list-like.
4) I do like the mystery of this piece, so I don't think you necessarily have to delve too much into the histories of the characters or explain what's going on too much - it is flash fiction, after all. But the reader definitely needs more information than they're getting. I'd work on maybe putting in a snatch of conversation between the characters, showing us their voices and developing them as separate people. That would help the reader get a sense of them all and ground us properly in the narrative, brief as it may be.
I'll call the review here. It was definitely an interesting piece, one that I know I'm going to keep thinking about, but it does need clearing up a bit to be less confusing. Some of the prose needs a bit of fine-tuning as well, as it gets a bit baselessly poetic in places. Nevertheless, a pleasant read that held my attention.
Keep writing!
~Pan