So much struggle for meaning, for purpose. And in the end, we find it only in each other. Our shared experience of the fantastic and the mundane. The simple human need to find a kindred. To connect. And to know in our hearts... that we are not alone. Alone.
1:00 a.m.
Monday night. A dark-haired man is standing on the train station platform, waiting for an upcoming train. He looks to be in his late 20s or early 30s, sporting jeans and a white buttoned up shirt. He seems restless and repeatedly taps his foot on the hard cement floor, right next to a large bag laying on the platform by his feet.
Minutes later the train arrives on station, clearly a few minutes late. The man quickly walks the entire length of the train, checking every cabin for how many passengers each one carry. Not finding many, he enters the top cabin, right by the conductor’s entrance, where he takes a seat by the window. The train shortly resumes its route and the lights of the platform leave the man’s face. Riding along with him in the cabin is a handful of people.
As the train is about to pull up to the station, the man gets up from his seat, drags with him his bag and sets it down on one of the blue seats. Zipping open the bag, he pulls out a gun and raises it into the air, “Unbelievable or crazy you will all think and you can believe what you will, but I am taking this train 2 years back to the past. Unless that sounds exciting for you, it would be in your best interest to exit at this upcoming station.” He clicks the gun twice into the ceiling of the cabin, giving them all a glimpse of the weapon.
As grounded chaos and fear erupt around him, he walks towards the door to the conductor at the front of the train. Coming to a halt at the station, he can hear the passengers within the cabin stream out through the exits behind him. Harshly opening the conductor door, he rips the short, balding man from his seat and drags him outside where he drops him on the hard floor. “Leave, now.” He motions with the gun in his hand and the conductor quickly complies.
He stands there for a while as he watches the platform empty of people. No new passengers were waiting and he assumed what company he had on the train had fled by now.
Taking a deep breath, he turns and enters the train again, the door closing behind him. Inside, however, he is not alone. Beside him, sitting nervous on a seat is a young girl and several rows behind them sit an elderly man, obviously a bum.
“I will repeat myself only once: Leave now or never come back, this is not some hoax.”
The old man pushed himself forward on his seat, resting his arms on the seat in front of him. “I ain’t got anything here worth staying for, young man” He snaps him a thumb up as he leans back into his seat. “Go ahead son.”
Eyeing the bum, he slowly turns to the young girl beside him, “You don’t want to leave?”
The girl looks about 13, maybe 14 years old with blonde hair and brown eyes. Her clothing is dark and her demeanor seems very hard as well, she has clearly been taking these night trains before.
She strains her eyes. “Cancer took my father three months ago; will he be alive if you take me with you?”
“Yes, but he will probably still be sick.” The man kneels and picks up his bag.
The girl clenches her fists, “I don’t care.”
“Where is your mother?”
“Who Knows?”
He shoots a glance at the bum several rows behind them, “I don’t care about this man because I have a rising suspicion that few will miss him”, behind him the bum clears his throat, “who will miss you?”
The girls voice is shaky as well as angry, “No one will miss me”.
“Why?”
She carefully studies her surroundings. “I’m not sure if I’m alive or dead. I do know that I don’t care.”
“If I do take you back with me, there will be complications, namely, there will be two of you.”
The girl looks puzzled. “Will there be two of you?”
“Yes.”
“What will you do then?”
“I will kill him.”
The bum behind them is listening intently.
“Is that necessary? How will you kill him?”
The man brings up several mechanical items from the bag as he sorts through them on a nearby seat.
“Yes it is necessary, and I will talk to him.”
Both girl and bum look confused.
“You will talk to him? About killing him?”
He shoots her a quick assuring smile. “Yes, he will understand.”
He carefully picks up several of the gizmos from the seat and brings them into the conductor cabin. Shortly after he returns and walks past both of them to the end of the cabin where he opens the door and unhooks their cart from the rest.
With their cart now the only one connected to the engine, he walks towards the front again only to stop beside the girl, “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
He slowly nods his head, “What’s your name?”
“Amy”
“I’m Aaron.”
“I know who you are,” she confesses, “you’re one of the Time Guardians. You’re not supposed to do this.”
“I know.” He sighs.
“But I don’t care either.”
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Hello there! Here to review your work for this fine review day! I will review as I read so that it will make a lot more sense for both me and you.
I tend to ramble on otherwise, get mixed up and then forget some good bits!
"So much struggle for meaning, for purpose. And in the end, we find it only in each other. Our shared experience of the fantastic and the mundane. The simple human need to find a kindred. To connect. And to know in our hearts... that we are not alone. Alone." - I canned over this section first before I decide if I was going to read the rest or not. It really caught my attention and reminded me of a prologue that I have just written on here.
“Unbelievable or crazy you will all think and you can believe what you will, but I am taking this train 2 years back to the past. Unless that sounds exciting for you, it would be in your best interest to exit at this upcoming station.” - I think that this needs to start as, 'You will all think of this as unbelievable or crazy..." to make it make a little more sense.
How does she know that he is a time guardian? I want to know more!
I really liked this chapter. It's full of action and very well written. I really like the characters of Aaron and Amy and even the old man bum! He's great.!
Good luck and I look forward to reading some more of your work.
Olive <3
I'm going to make this quick and easy. This is a great story.
)
Things I liked:
1: You never got too off-topic. The story stayed with one purpose.
2: The story was easy to follow, especially with the small but descriptive words that easily described the setting of the scene without getting too descriptive.
3: The characters, it was easy to find their personalities. They actually seemed real and they talked like real people.
(Especially the bum.
Things I don't like:
1: I know I liked the short but descriptive words, but larger vocabulary would make this story seem more mature.
2: The storyline reminds me of Doctor Who. It doesn't seem much original to me. But the weapon that he pulled out of the bag definitely was a change, which made it much more enjoyable. This is just my own opinion, though.
Overall, it's a great story and I really want to read more from you.
Let me just start off saying, I loved it! The entire time I was reading it, I just couldn't look away. Keep up the work on this, and it might go somewhere. Now here's the review.. (Just a note: First review; might be kinda vague.)
The first thing I noticed was a typo:
'The man quickly walks the entire length of the train, checking every cabin for how many passengers each one carry*s*.'
Not a big deal, just wanted to point that out. Next I want to mention, that the variety of terms used was good. But it needs more showing. Telling and showing should be balanced, you can't have too much showing, with not enough telling, and you can't have too much telling, with not enough showing.
Once again, I apologize if this is vague, but I hope it helps. Good luck, and remember: You can't write a good story, if you don't have fun doing so.
Have a nice day. -Tazzaar
Hi Birkhoff! With every one of your paragraphs, I will have a paragraph of my own to say what I think about that paragraph and give ideas.
I found your first paragraph, intro type thing to be extremely intriguing. I think its length and structure shouldn’t be changed. It’s pretty much perfect. Usually when I see a long piece of work I feel like
I can’t be bothered to read it, but this first paragraph is a strong glimmer of hope that my concentration will hold and that I will find this story exciting to read.
Usually, the first thing I think of when it is night is the cool breeze wisping through the air, or seeing the breath in front of you. So if you want to add that in anywhere, it’s just a suggestion. You seem to paint what he looks like straight away, while this is fine, you can also give hints as to what he looks like, such as ‘he fumbled with the clear buttons of his white shirt’.
‘Minutes later the train arrives on station, clearly a few minutes late’ I think this sentence needs another ‘the’ just so it makes more sense. Okay, so you’re stating everything that’s happening, which is good, the reader is really wondering what is going on now. You’re really building the suspense.
Okay, totally did not see that coming. Holy smogballs of a dragon. He’s got a gun? Things just got a bunch exciting. The dialogue seems strange though, but I guess it makes sense as I read it again. I’m noticing here that you’re not using the same words at the beginning of each sentence. This is something I find really tricky to do, I always have to go back and restructure my sentences to make them more interesting, so excellent work!
You could give more detail in this paragraph, such as ‘he leaves behind the hurried slapping of shoes and feet’. Also you could make the first sentence less awkward by replacing the comma with an ‘as’. Again, you could explain how the conductor’s eyes widen with apprehension.
The next paragraph you could explain how he stands more, were his hands hanging by his sides? Were his arms crossed while holding the gun, and which hand is the gun in?
Wait a second, he left the train? Did I miss something? Sorry if I did.
There’s a young girl and a bum, here you’re telling, not showing. Describe the bum with the holey gloves and ripped, loose jeans. And the young girl, ‘sitting nervously on a seat, her long dark hair swaying freely, is a young girl’.
Next paragraph, not sure if the if the dialogue’s structure is right. It might be just me though.
I don’t know if it’s just me, or if the dialogue of the bum seems strange to me, he seems to be somewhat formal here, instead of bum-ish. Mind you, though, I’ve never met a bum haha.
You could add in here ‘he slowly turns to the young girl beside him who looks at him curiously with big, wide eyes.’
Okay, here your telling again, in the examples I gave, you could have easily shown what she looks like, but in a subtle way.
Oh, this kid is badass, I like her!
Good description of her simple actions, good, your showing, not telling.
All good, you could add in ‘he asks, folding his arms’.
I’m guessing that this little girl has had a bad past, your fine hints are great. XD I mean it was literally two words that told me that ‘who knows?’.
I love how the bum clears his throat at the ‘no one will miss him’ statement. Humorous.
Shaky voice, still showing, good work XD.
After ‘why’ you could show how he places a finger over his chin.
Okay, I’ve just read through the rest, the only mistake is that you wrote ‘sights’ instead of ‘sighs’.
Anyway, overall I believe this story really draws in the readers. It’s simply awesome. You need to make it into a novel. I mean the Time Guardians just sounds epic overall.
I hope you enjoyed the review and that I didn’t insult you or anything.
~ Lee