Author's note: So you may notice that I have given the "guy" a name and there was no introduction... Well, I put it in the previous bit of the chapter because it fit better. I don't feel too good about this chapter, but we'll see what you make of it.
Ques motions for me to follow, and I fall in beside him. The gown swishes around as I walk, and I become self-conscious of its clinginess, and that I am the only one in the entire hallway wearing one… and there are at least a dozen people walking and talking close by. Most of them glance my way as I walk, and then turn away in apparent disinterest. The rest look on with a small smile at my discomfort.
“Am I going to be able to change out of this thing anytime soon?”
Ques gives me a sideline look. “Is it that uncomfortable?”
“No, it’s just that I prefer to not walk around in a nightgown.”
“That’s understandable,” he says. “But most of the new recruits just want to know what’s going on, and where they’re going.”
“Well, that would be helpful, too.”
The hallway is like a massive rectangle, just continuing on and on—doors lining the sides. Now that I am closer, I can read the signs on them. One says, T10. Another one farther down the line says, F12. The black symbols on the doors glare out at me, the only thing I see not white as I walk. How they keep this all clean, I have no idea. But I can’t spot a blemish on the walls, a scratch in the doors—nothing except for the pure white emanating from everything.
After a moment of walking… “Are we there yet?”
“You sound like a young child,” Ques says with a chuckle. “And almost. Your room is a little farther down the line than these.” He pauses for a moment. “Any questions? About anything?”
Any questions.
Ask away. Just ask.
The answers I want and the questions I have just pound at me, each beating a different tune in my mind, each demanding their presence to be acknowledged. There are so many things I want to know, so many little details Karsh and Keisha left out in their introduction to Arc. I could ask for hours, making my mouth as dry as a speaking desert, and only scratch the surface. Questions arise from merely walking down the aisle, looking at the doors, seeing the people walk by. So many of them prod for attention.
“I… no,” I whisper. I don’t know why my voice refutes what my mind asks for, what my mind needs. But it does, and I can’t find the words to rephrase.
Ques frowns. “That’s strange. Most of you are spilling over with questions and can’t wait to dump them on someone.”
Tell me about it. I want to ask him the questions. I want to relieve all this constant pressure and emptiness in my mind, give my memory something to hang onto—even if it’s merely a rule to remember. Anything. But each time I think about the words, each time I draw them together and become satisfied with the appropriate question, I hesitate. The words pause on my lips, waiting. And I don’t know why I don’t just say them.
I scratch the back of my neck uncomfortably. “I, uh, usually don’t have questions,” I say. There, that wasn’t so hard. Now what’s so difficult about asking instead of stating? Who knows.
Ques’ pace quickens, and at first I don’t understand why. Everything seemed so exact and perfect with him—walking speed even gotten down to a constant time. He seems like the kind of person that would time his walk across the hall, and then strive for the same mark each day, if only for consistency’s sake.
“Why are you hurrying?” I almost have to run to keep up with his newfound blistering pace.
“Oh, nothing,” he says. A hesitant beeping emits from his pocket… somewhere, and his hand automatically drops to his side. But then stops. He looks behind him, almost like he is watching for a follower in the tangle of people behind us. Watching his gaze, I see nothing. Well, except for the doors and the crowd and the lone girl in the white gown and the—
Wait. What?
From the few, distracted glances I can get of her, I can tell she is one of the people in the room with me, one of the few strapped to the cots. Her muddled expression is so visible, even from here. She wanders about the room, looking around with the same face I did—alone and confused. But I see something else, another emotion peeking out behind her mask of expressions. She seems angry with everything, looking at the people walking past with loathing.
“Who is that?” I ask, still halfway looking behind me and only somewhat paying attention to where I am going.
“A senseless girl,” Ques says, shaking his head. “Come, let’s hurry.”
“She looks familiar.” He surprises me by tugging my arm—pulling me along, faster, faster. “Do I know her?”
“You’ve actually asked a question.” He lets go of my sleeve once I match his pace, almost running across the white tiles. “No, you don’t know her—not yet. She may be one of the few who came in your group today.”
“You mean those on the cots beside me?”
“Yes, those are them,” he says. I can tell we’re coming closer to A14—the room he said I would be occupying—because he slows down and peers at every number stamped on the doors as we walk by, mumbling to himself. “R13, V13—”
“—Here we are.” Ques wades through the sudden crowd—people flooding in by an open door just down the hall—to the door he pointed out. A14 is clearly stamped across the center of the door. He fumbles in his pockets. “Let me just find a key-fob.”
My eyes wander while he searches through his multiple pockets. Even though this hall seems to go on forever, I can finally spot the end—still a long ways in the distance, but close enough to see the swiveling doors leading beyond. So many people emerge from those doors, each of them navigating their way through the crowd to their room. At least, so it seems. I watch as a girl who appears only a few years older than me approaches a door fifty feet down, and simply stares into it, almost like she is looking at what is behind.
But even from where I stand, I hear the resonating click! of a locking mechanism, and she turns the old-fashioned doorknob to disappear inside.
“And here it is,” Ques says. He dangles a tiny chain between his fingers, the object attached so small I will lose it in my pockets if I slip it in there. The fob extends out to me, Ques jiggling the chain until I reach out to take it.
“Will it let me in?” I look down at it, rolling the disc in my palm. It looks like some old form of physical currency, a coin someone may have put in a protective case—like a quarter. Except for its color. Like everything else in this room, the fob is completely white, without a single smudge to dull it.
“Yes, but only one time,” he says. “The first time, the fob will tell the door to memorize you—and then it’s worthless. But from that point on, it will recognize you if you merely stand in front.”
I stare in blank silence.
“You going in or not?”
“Maybe.” I look at the door, and at the symbol I only assume stands for Affinity.
“I have to make sure you make it safely.”
“Well, I am here.”
“Not good enough.” He folds his arms, and I am reminded of Karsh—standing over me, saying things I am supposed to understand.
“Fine.” I turn the fob over. “How do I work this thing, again?”
He drops his arms and pushes me in front of the door until I face the white wood evenly. The polish is so flawless I can the outline of my face. “Now, say your name.”
“I, uh—Ally,” I say. “My name is Ally.”
I look behind me at Ques. “What now?” The fob still rests in my hands, and it seems to play a part in this, but I am not sure how much good waving it in front of the door will do.
“Just turn the knob,” he says. His voice is ever-patient, even though I know he must think I am the biggest idiot ever. “Go right in. Now.” He rocks back on his heels.
I grasp the knob with my free hand. The silvery handle is as smooth as glass and the contoured lines just mold to my touch. Turning it feels like spinning air. All this for a doorknob. I begin to push it open and walk inside—leaving Ques. But I stop.
“Do I go inside?” I realize it’s a silly question because he just told me to go there, but I can’t grasp anything else to say.
“Yes, go inside. All the questions you didn’t ask have answers. You’ll find them soon.” He talks to me, but his gaze is pointed down the hall, in the direction of where the girl had wandered. I suppose she is who he will be leading next.
“Okay,” I say. “Thank you.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
*GRINS*
Hey TimmyJake! Once again my mind told me to read the next chapter and review it cause it wanted more information =P You certainly gave me more information, but now my mind wants more and more. It seems the more information I get, the more my mind wants to recieve! I loved this piece, and am going to start on the next one right after I finish this one! You are doing a great job Tim, its getting better and better! I can't wait until Ally (weird name for a boy by the way xD Its like you switched the girl and the guy's name, since Avery could be a boys and Ally is a girls. Annie informed me though that Ally is also a boys name...something I did not know =P) meets Avery!
I didn't see to much wrong with this chapter. It was very good *two thumbs up* I like Ques, and he reminds me of someone I know from a different book altogether....mine xD He reminds me of another one of my characters in a story I wrote along time ago =)
You wrote - 'Ques’ pace quickens, and at first I don’t understand why. Everything seemed so exact and perfect with him—walking speed even gotten down to a constant time. He seems like the kind of person that would time his walk across the hall, and then strive for the same mark each day, if only for consistency’s sake.' - and my mind instantly thought of my sister @FireBird99 xD Sounds like her for some reason, I wouldn't doubt if she did this coming up the stairs =P It made me smile =)
I am super happy with your story so far, it is really well written. I think you have alot of talent, which is very useful when publishing a book =)
Love your story so far <3
~Selina
IT'S NOT A GIRLS NAME. xDD
People keep saying that, and it can be both. So your sister is veryyy veryyy smart. You should listen to her. hmph. It reminds me of Despicable Me where the dad asks Margo if Avery is a girls name or a boys name. xD
Thank you, yet again. <3 Your reviews are so helpful, and always make me smile.
Well it does matter, if its a BOY! xD
Yes, I didn't know it could be both but Annie informed me it could. Still weird though *whistles innocently* I agree with Avery. =P
Welcome xD
Hi! FireBird99 here for a review!
I like how you put that little snippet of Avery in there. Or at least I am assuming it was Avery XD. (Oops I just looked down at your last review and saw that Noelle already said that haha) I cant wait until they meet each other. That will be fun. Their first meeting has been playing over and over in my mind since chapter 2! So I definitely can't wait.
I like Ques. He seems cool. So far, he reminds me of one of those likable characters that every book has. The kind of characters that the authors decide to be mean and make them die. You sir, had better not do that. Although, it might make the story haha.
That door idea was pretty neat. I like how it will remember them in the future. It shows that they will be there for a long time and that that room will be a big part of his future. It reminds me of that room from Monsters vs. Aliens...ever watched it?
Anyways...this chapter I found a little hard to review. Sorry mine is so short =)
Good job!
FireBird99
YES, HE SHOULD DIE.
Actually, I'll let the poor bloke live... probably. hehe Thank you for your compliments, and your thoughts. They're always so helpful, you know. <3
Thank you for giving me that idea.
And I'm sorry I missed this. >>
You're welcome. Glad I could help.
Hi there! Noelle here for another Review Day review!
I totally didn't think that these first few words were written in Spanish... >.>
I'm sure most of them, but aren't there some like Ally that don't want to ask questions? The way that Ques is talking right now makes it sound like Ally is an anomaly, which I find hard to believe.
This part of the chapter seems very simple. Ally follows Ques to his room and learns how to operate the door. Ques wants him to ask questions, but he doesn't want to. So there's no knew information we really get here. There is that girl though, but that's not really something they focus on. I'm assuming that the girl is Avery, but there are other girls in this story that it could easily be someone else.
Ally is downright chill compared to Avery. Goodness! He's just walking along, taking in everything, thinking about how stupid he must look in his gown. Even when Ques presses him for questions, he just lets them go. He isn't desperate or aggressive like Avery. I can see their definite differences, which is great. Of course you'd make them different because having to characters exactly the same is boring, but it's especially important with this Affinity thing. They have to be different in order to complete each other. It's nice to see the difference as we lead up to them meeting.
This part of the chapter isn't your best, but it's also not terrible. You did a good job with it.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
I agree about this not being my best,
although 8.1 is worse. just warning you. ><I have really been trying to make them so much different, so they would make sense as an Affinity. So it makes me mucho happy to see that you made the connection. It's actually the biggest help you've given me, even though it wasn't a nitpick. xd You're very good at noticing things. <3 Ques. >< I didn't like Quest, so I shortened it. xdThank you. <3
Sorry about this again, I'll make my next review EXTRA long to make up for it. See you soon!
Oh, you're fineee, Jumpy. <3 I have problems writing reviews for works all the time. xD If you can't review a chapter, just read and move on. c: I don't mind you skipping at aall. Thank you for this review, though. heehee
I have to review all of them though. I don't want to miss a single one.
Hi again Timmy. Just getting this chapter out of the way.
Reading it again, there isn't a lot to say. I have no nitpicks and everyone else has covered a lot. That's not necessarily a bad thing.
The best thing about it is that this chapter is building tension nicely. I love all the burning questions that Ally is almost afraid to ask; we have them too, as readers. You're creating this impressive anticipation of the answers that is powerful enough to drive readers on. Although you're not giving a lot away (as usual), I don't mind because I trust that it will all come together when the time is right. Your style of writing is really effective!
It also feels like something is going to happen soon, something big. The girl, who I presume is Avery, seems to be a sign.
Again, it doesn't pay to review when you've read ahead already. XD
Hopefully, I'll be caught up soon. Sorry this is so short, but I hope it helps you somehow.
Thank youuuu, Bella. Your reviews always help me out a lot.
I HAVE FINALLY CAUGHT UP. YEEEEeeessss. I'm so pleased.
Okay, I'm going to give you a long review! Your sister inspired me to do so, and here I am, ready to be as helpful as I could possibly be.
Author's note: So you may notice that I have given the "guy" a name and there was no introduction... Well, I put it in the previous bit of the chapter because it fit better. I don't feel too good about this chapter, but we'll see what you make of it.
I think this is better for us. But I would really like to know how you plan to have Ques introduce himself. It really tells you a lot about a character when you introduce them. They do say, "you only have one shot at an impression". And that really says something. Is Ques a nice person? A strict person? A shy person? You need to DIG!
Don't
ignore
great characters.
If you think Ques is going to mold your story then you really need to dig deep with him. Give him a real human feel to him. Give him habits, quicks, a certain special thing that makes him stand out. If he isn't going to effect your story much still underline his qualities. Not big things like him loving long walks on the beach or anything. Maybe he speaks in a certain way.
I actually don't like Ques. He seemed so nice and pleasant at first, but then he was all like Karsh being all authoritative and serious. I'm not sure what to make of him. He seems like one of those characters that will crop up sometime again. I don't know what part he will play - he is so darn mysterious. Kind-of two-faced too. Well... I'll have to wait and see what he is like later on.
I was continually thinking of why Ques was rushing.
I have to agree with Deanie on this. Why was Ques in such a rush? You mention that Ally sees the Girl and is like, "I know that girl", who is obviously Avery. But why would Ques rush off? Why why why? This really bugged me. A good bugging. It makes me want to read on. I was thinking about the possibilities of why he would do that. Perhaps it was because the teens in the cots aren't supposed to interact before they get paired. I dunno. But hopefully I will find out soon. I have this sort of empty feeling inside of me because I know I am going to have to wait for the next chapter. But I'm pleased that I can wait in curiosity and craving to read on. I love that feeling of rearing to read on. It proves how good a story is. (And yours is amazing.)
Now, I am wondering also about why none of the Affinities congratulated Ally for being accepted or for coming into "The Affinity". It made curious. Are they still being pressured into being here? Do they want to leave still? WHHHhhhy? How they just gave Ally a quick glance then brushed him off just made me so confused. Are they used to seeing new delegates so they don't bother saying hello or congratulating him? Or are they scared of talking to him? Maybe they are being monitored and only allowed to talk to their Affinity. I'm not too sure. What I am sure of is that you will have a lovely trick up your sleeve and deliver a perfectly understand and awesome explanation for this.
Okay. The symbols. This really creeped me out. Why so many? Perhaps they want to drill it into the Affinities or brainwash them to always think of being an Affinity. The whole "Affinity symbols everywhere" made my curiosity grow. Maybe it is a reminder for Affinity forever. I am wondering if this will be explained or not. Oh and - I LOVED the thing with the door registration. That was amazing. I'm not sure if any one else got it, but "A" for Ally. So, that just makes me agree more that Avery will be his Affinity. It HAS to be. You wouldn't leave so many little clues in for no reason... Right? Unless you were trying to trick me... Anyway! I thought that it was cool that you have thought about the details. You're an awesome writer. I love your work so much it is unbelievable. I wish more people would review though instead of just liking. Though likes are good. Nothing wrong with 'em.
I think this could have been avoided. I mean, this situation just feels like you are adding something on for length. It is unnecessary and could have been put for purpose or made useful. I was thinking, you could have made Ally say: "what is in there?" or something similar and Ques just reply with: "just go inside". Not only does that create something new and purposeful, it makes the reader think, "ooo. What is in there?" and adds effect. But, it also gives a lot of insight yo Ques a character - it will add onto him wanting to rush off. And then Ques would obviously say "All the questions you didn’t ask have answers. You’ll find them soon" and the story would have run on in the same way without it seeming like Ally is just being a tad bit repetitive.
Also, I was wondering about Avery. She took the test first, right? So why is Ques directing Ally around first? That didn't really make much sense to me. Unless they have a system where the boys go into the room first... Just think about that. Maybe you need to incorporate how it work around here to make sure it makes sense and the timeline isn't all jumbled up
[qupte]"Yes, those are them,” he says. I can tell we’re coming closer to A14—the room he said I would be occupying—because he slows down and peers at every number stamped on the doors as we walk by, mumbling to himself. “R13, V13—”[/quote]
There's me thinking they go in alphabetical order... Unless it is. I don't know. This is one of the times you need to set the scene for us guys. I mean, there is girl's and boy's names beginning with "z" hee hee. Plus, I personally would read, "R13, S13, T13..." ect. Not "R" then "V". But I don't know how your world works, so, that's why you need to explain. It's not much of a biggie, but it would be nice to exactly picture how it goes.
This is interesting. If Avery is Ally's affinity, this means... Ooo. I like this. I'm not sure what you have in store for Avery and Ally. If they actually will be each others Affinity or not. But I'm sure they will have some form of relationship - I mean, who has two protagonists that don't interact? But, I will like to see if the Leaders of the Affinity will allow older girl's to be boy's Affinity. I know they won't be romantically involved (maybe Ally and Avery will), but I feel as if this place is kind of Sexist in a sense that males will have that tad bit more authority. I dunno. But I will like to see how this plays out.
DO NOT FORGET TO GIVE ALLY NEW CLOTHES. Seriously. It feels like Avery and Ally have been wearing these gowns forever. Hmmm... I wonder how Ally and Avery will react to wearing the clothing. I think that will be an interesting thing to cover. I can just imagine. Also, I'm wondering how the room will be set up and if Affinitys share rooms or whatnot. Thinking about this is driving me crazy. In a good way! I love it when you can really get into a story. It shows what a good writer you are.
Wait... I'm sure you did, but I'm not sure - did you mention what the others were wearing? If not, please do mention as it will really help to picture all the people that are swarming around. Also, it will help to picture what Ally and Avery will be wearing. Hee hee.
Hmmmm... You say here that there is at least a dozen people near him, yet later on you say that swarms of people are going in and out. Maybe you could be a little more precise. Is there a large crowd or is there only a few? Because a dozen isn't really a lot. Not to me anyway.
Beating a different tune? Umm... I'm not sure about that. If you said something like "drumming inside my mind" it would be a bit clearer as I couldn't really depict questions playing different tunes.
I'd rearrange this sentence. Like so: "I want to relieve all this constant pressure and emptiness in my mind—to give my memory something to hang onto, even if it’s merely a rule to remember." Ce?
And that's all from me. The review was kind-of long. Hope it was helpful
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
The review was long and super helpful. <3
The part with Ques not being introduced.... In my version, on my computer, he is introduced in the last chapter. But I have not uploaded it yet, so yeah. I will work on that. As for him rushing, I thought I explained it with the girl behind, wandering around, getting lost in the crowd. But I guess I wasn't clear enough, which is a nitpick in itself. So thank you so much. Your reviews are always so constructive, make me think, and so enjoyable to read. <33
Yay! Glad it was <3
Maybe it is just me. If it was clear to everyone else, don't change it x)
Cannot wait to see that version! I'm sure your edits will blow my mind away
Awwww. I'm glad. Comments like this make me smile and want to write more. <333
Hai Timmy!
I guess that while you're away I should probably catch up on Affinity and review the next chapter xD Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. I hope you still get notified for this.
Well, let me say this seems like an interesting chapter. I feel like it is one of those connecting ones where we don't move forward when it comes to plot so much, but we do get to know a lot more about the characters. This time we got to see more of Ally and the way he thinks. I am glad he didn't ask those questions - that seems like something Avery would do. He seems more simple, someone to contain his thoughts rather than blurt them out loud. See how much we are able to learn from his character. We also get to see some more of Ques who seems interesting but I still feel like we don't know much about him. I hope he comes up in future chapters some more. On top of that, the idea of the fob and the door recognizing who you are in the future is quite different. And different when ti comes to novels is always good.
You fall in what beside him? In pudding, in the sea? I think you're missing the vital word 'step' here.
There's a bit way to write this so it doesn't sound so awkward and you don't trip over the words. How about: It's just that I prefer to walk around in something other than a nightgown.
Hm, I'm not sure what has brought this problem that I also have around
Hopefully not reading my stuffbut I have noticed how often you use the word 'just' in this chapter. Just is a small and usually unnecessary word, so it's best to avoid it as much as possible because it doesn't really add anything to the story. Like in this sentence, for instance.Gotten is such a horrible word, isn't it? In this case it's ruining the flow you have going here. How about adapting this sentence to be something like: walking speed even down to a constant time. Simply cutting out the word makes the sentence better.
Seeing as he is no longer in the room with the cots, the is should really be a was.
Other than those nitpicks, I have very little to say. The only one thing I wanted to know is why Ques was rushing? Is it because he had to pick someone else up like he had Ally? And shouldn't Ally have been able to figure this out himself. Make sure you tell us readers the reason, because I was curious and we never really got a direct answer.
Also, it might be worth mentioning that all the people he's sees milling around are standing in couples. I am not sure how much you want the Affinity's to be hanging around each other, but in my minds eye they should be together as much as possible, from the only Affinity we have seen (meaning Karsh and Keisha.) Which made me wonder, where is Ques's Affinity through all of this? Or do they not have to be together all the time?
I don't really have much more to say. This was just too good ^^ Keep writing, and I look forward to reading another chapter.
Deanie x
Thank you, Livvy.
This review was amazing, and really helped me out. Yeah, I have a tendency to have extra words in my drafts. xD Hopefully I can find them all and incinerate them for the next chapters. 
And, the part with the girl behind them... wandering around with the gown. That wasn't enough for Ques to hurry? I did say he did it as soon as he saw her. Wondering, not stating. 
You are too special. <3 Thanks, again.
Hey, Timmy! Sorry about the long time in between you posting and me reviewing. This is the first actual time for a few days I have been able to actually sit down and review something.
So, Ques is the guys name? Is it something that will be explained later in the novel, or just something you chose at random because it saounded cool? (And psst I am going for the first one xD!)
Okay for one of my favorite spots-
This one is one of my favorites because you never truly mention the time period to us. This gives us a chance to know it is either present day- talking about old currency or in the far future where they have digital money. It will actually make the reader think till we find out more.
And then my second favorite spot-
This one is my second favorite because of the imagery. I could nearly see and feel the door knob as I read this. It is a job well done, Timmy.
I could say I found nitpicks but I would rather not be co sidered a liar. You know that I may find one or two but here I don't know. I nearly can't believe that I found none. Zip. Nada.
So I guess now that I finished, I should be signing off of the review.
Bye,
Tulip.
Thank you for this wonderful review, Tulip. Your reviews always make me jump with joy.
You are still the fastest reviewer, even if you consider yourself late.
I gfeel so sad when people don't review such a good novel.
AMD I should be posting my edited chapter 1 soon.
YES! Do it.
Thank you. <3