Author's note: Some of you may notice that she is drinking from the tea cup she dashed to the floor.... I wrote this, realized the cup was already in a million pieces before this part, but liked it better here than in the other chapter - so I am sorry, but the cup is intact and you can consider the other chapter inaccurate. xD
Karsh’s fist begins to contract. He stares at me through a mask of shadowed expressions. I don’t know what he feels inside, only what he shows. And he gives me the impression of strength and brilliance. He looks like a man with no fear.
Keisha lays a hand on his to restrain his balling fists. What was he going to do with them? Pummel me to a pulp? Now that would be professional. “You and your Affinity are matched together based on your test results, so there isn’t the trouble of ‘if you get along’.”
“That’s lovely and all, but I don’t think I could handle any more violence in my life,” I say. This time I try to keep my tone somewhat civil, and not like I’m mouthing off. His fist is too big for my taste. “I mean, one person like me is plenty. I don’t need any more.”
“That’s the entire beauty of the Affinity,” Keisha says. Her hand still rests on Karsh’s, but not in a restraining way. It looks almost… affectionate. “You aren’t chosen by how close alike you are, but how the difference in your personalities. The computer looks at you, and chooses who would complement your personality to make you… whole. Not opposites, but two people that grow together as they progress through ARC to become one mind by the end.”
So my life has been chosen and decided and planned for me… and all by a computer. An inanimate object fabricated by some nerd has dictated my personality is like, and who I will spend my life with. So detached. I want to scream and kick away all this rubbish they are feeding me. To cast aside these chains of Affinity they will be throwing on me. But all I can think of is the future, and what it may hold for me—if it’s a life governed by computers and stern men, or if I will be able to control it myself.
“And what is between now and the end?” My voice is a whisper, held back by the words pounding in my mind. Progress through ARC. Something tells me this isn’t going to be kindergarten all over again.
“Training,” Karsh simply says.
“What kind of training?”
“You’ll find that out soon enough,” he says. “But for now, just keep quiet and do as you’re told, and everything will work out just fine. You may even begin to enjoy yourself as you progress.”
“Somehow I doubt that.”
“We’ll see.” Karsh sits there for a moment longer, and we both listen to Keisha’s fingers as they tap on the deck in a recognizable tempo. I just wish I could remember the song the beat belongs to. “For now, you will begin this program, whether you enjoy it or not. You will learn to bend with your environment.”
“You mean like a chameleon?” I ask. “Changing colours to match the area?”
Karsh ignores me, but turns to Keisha who seems to have withdrawn herself form the conversation, probably because Karsh is so domineering. But I realize their equality to one another, and how Karsh treats her as his equal, not beneath him as he does me, and—
“Are you two, you know, Affinity?” It’s a crazy hunch, but I have to know. Everything seems too right for it to not be.
For the first time, I see Karsh smile. It’s so much different from how he normally looks—so strict and tall and powerful—that I find myself smiling as well. Why, I don’t know. But it looks good on his face, the arcing eyebrows relaxing into a smile.
“For once, you get something right,” he says. “Yes, we are an Affinity.”
“So that’s why you two are like, you know, always in agreement and stuff?” I feel as awkward saying the words as they truly are, but I have to know.
“Yes, that would be the reason why, although we aren’t always in agree—”
Keisha stops mid-word for some reason, one I can’t tell, and her face scrunches up in confusion, and then clears like she has been given a revelation. “Yes, we should move on.”
“I—what?” I say, puzzled by her words.
“There are quite a few of you left,” Karsh says. “We need to move on.”
“But I haven’t asked all my questions yet!” Although we have been blabbing for quite a while now, I still don’t have my questions answered. Maybe half of them are half-way told, but I have so, so much more. Like what is ARC? What is their purpose? Why am I here? What is my purpose here, like ARC? “There is alot more I want to know.” At least this time I keep my tone civil. They can’t negate me for that.
“There will always be questions,” Karsh folds his hand across his front, and leans back in the chair. Someone is comfy. All I can do is wiggle and try to find a comfortable spot in my seat, but for some reason everything feels hard. “We can’t answer everything in one sitting.”
“You could have answered a few bloody more,” I mutter.
They take this as me acknowledging that the chat is over (which is as close as I’ll ever come), and Keisha moves around the desk towards me. She nods with her head for me to stand up, and when I don’t at first, she nods even more vigorously. “Come on—we need to go.”
I begin to stand, just relenting without throwing a huge fuss, and realize my tea is still nestled in my hands… and has gone cold. I look down into the murky liquid and frown. “My tea is cold,” I say.
“Does that mean you can’t come with me?” Keisha asks.
“Well, no.” I continue to stare down into the tea. “But I forgot about it, and I wanted it so bad.”
“I’m sure there will be plenty of chances in the future for you to enjoy tea, Avery,” Karsh says—still sitting so beautifully relaxed on his seat, but looking at me in unsmiling mirth.
While the comment was said in his usual formal way, one thing set it apart. He used my name. Karsh actually used my name. My real name. I am not simply a girl anymore. I have a name now—one people can use to talk to me, converse with me. I don’t know why this makes me feel better, since it wasn’t like I had a problem conversing (or mouthing-off) with them before, but it feels like I have connected with a part of me tucked away in a place I couldn’t find. In short, I feel a little better.
“Bye, Karsh,” I say, not sure if I am allowed to use his name, but not really caring. If it matters, he’ll give me a nice long spiel about behaving and superiors and blah, blah. I suppose I will have to listen if he does, or at least nod in the right places and interrupt when they expect me to.
But he merely nods and promptly ignores me, turning his focus to the computer screen that separates us—typing in something I can only identify as gibberish before Keisha pulls on my arm.
“We are leaving. Now,” she says.
As I stand, I gulp down the lukewarm tea in my hand, shuddering as the minty flavor slips down my throat. It tastes like the tea-bags were sitting in the water for a few years, and accidentally split open during the process, leaving a lot of junk floating around. Someone really needs to teach Karsh how to make tea.
I leave the cup teetering too close to the edge of the desk, and it falls to the tile floor as I turn away, shattering into a million microscopic pieces.
“Oops.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
*finishes my tomato sandwhich as I read, then takes a drink and starts to review*
Hey, TimmyJake, hello Timothy, how's it going, TimmyJake?, and all those greetings. Once again I find myself lost in your world of Affinity. The only thing is, I don't want to be found. This book is amazing and I just want to dive in and never come back out. I wish I could witness the conversation between Karsh and Avery, in real life. Be the shadow in the background. Since that is not physically possible, I have to thank you for making it at least mentally possible. The shadow in the background observing, is what I feel like everytime I open the labtop and read your story. You have a way of making me feel as if I am really there, its an amazing feeling. Thank you.
This story reminds me of so many author's stories, I have read. You have an amazing talent *big smile*
I love Avery and Karsh, they make me laugh! Hopefully we see more of them together in the future! I LOVED how Karsh and Kiesha were Affinity, it was an awesome idea! Maybe when your finished your book you can make a side story of those two when they first started out as Affinity, that would be cool!
I did find one thing that was out of place...you said -
“We are leaving. Now,” she says.
I thought that maybe she was going to keep talking cause there was a comma after 'now' . ... Maybe, go - "We are leaving," she says, "Now."
? Just a suggestion but I think it might flow better, it doesn't really matter though =)
Anyways , I have to go clean up after my messy nephews and nieces now xD They just tore up the kitchen in search of food *facepalm* lol Goodbye!
~ SeLiNa
That suggestion is perfect. I will have to implement it into the chapter when I do my edits. Sometimes my punctuation needs help. c:
And thank youuuu for all those lovely compliments. They make my day. <3
Yes, go clean up after your messy cousins. xD
Hi. FireBird99 here for a review!
It was good! I've received the information that I have been craving for a long while now. I really connected with the two captors now. I have a feeling for what they think and how they feel. My favorite is Karsh haha. He seems very intimidating and mean but secretly I think he has a little soft spot somewhere in there =P.
Yay! I have over 1000 points. Thanks to your novel hehe. I like reviewing your stuff. Its easy to read. I too, like Noelle, was wondering where you would go with this. I'm not big on people experimenting on kids and the works but your novel somehow just sucked me right it. Now I'm stuck. Having to know the end. I sill have lots of chapters left but I'll be sad when I run out haha. Anyway, I'm homeschooled and I just took a little break to come on here. I better get back to school =________=
You writing is the BEST!
Annie =P
I MISSED THIS.
I'M SO SORRY.
This is yet another of your reviews that really helps me. :') As they all do. You like Karsh best, too? xD Oh, I'm sure he has a soft spot somewhere... I just have yet to find it. :p
Thank you. <3
Thanks!
0.o You do not know how weird it was to get a notif for this. Well anyway, better late than never, right?
Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!
Unless of course the teacup is magical and just put itself back together again :3
Well of course she can't read his mind and know what he's feeling
winning!) This sentence is just too much of an obvious for me.This whole idea of the Affinity is pretty cool. When I first read about it in the previous part of this chapter, I was a bit skeptical, to be honest. I was wondering how you could make it work, especially with all these tests going on. But now that it's all explained -- maybe not all, but enough for me to understand -- I think it's a cool concept. They're not just matching kids up based on what they think, they're doing it based on science and computer fun.
And we know that always works out in the end.And the best part is, they're in complete support of whatever it is that they are planning on doing with these Affinitys. (not sure if the plural would be -ies so it's just s for now :3) I can tell that they've either done thins time and time before or they've spent so many years planning it that they're beyond confident.Karsh and Keisha are a very interesting pair. They're obviously colleagues seeing as they're both their giving Avery this information, but something tells me they're much more than that. Probably friends more than anything. I especially think this because of the whole thing where Keisha was holding onto Karsh's hand. Well, covering it up, but that's basically the same thing. I don't see anyone who doesn't know Karsh well wanting to touch him at all. Or even be in close proximity with him for that long.
You've done a great job with Avery's emotions throughout this chapter. There's a lot of information she's getting here and it's bound to be overwhelming. Her reactions are perfect and I totally believe each one of them. Especially the one where she's thinking about the future. She doesn't seem all that excited about her life being controlled by computers, but then she realizes that she might be able to control it after all. That's a good trait for a hero. It's like optimism, except in Avery's case it was probably more a thought of defiance.
This is a mistake that can be easily made when writing in first person, or even third person limited. You took something that Avery inferred and made it a fact. Karsh may actually be listening to the sound, but he also could be completely ignoring it. Avery doesn't know which it is, even though it shows here that she does. It's a tiny slip into a different POV. You have to be careful with that.
So this was the chapter where we get all of the answers. I like to think of these chapters as sort of another introductory chapter. Only because it introduces us to what's going to be happening in the rest of the novel. I guess that would kind of make it a transition chapter, but it's not really. We just get answers and explanations. Anyway, it's a great chapter because we learn everything. Now the real story can get started. Woo!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hm. I could transform this into a science fiction/dystopian/fantasy novel. YES YES YES. Thanks for the suggestion. Coming up next - dragons. Thank you so much for reviewing, Noelle. <3 These really help a lot.
Hm. I could transform this into a science fiction/dystopian/fantasy novel. YES YES YES. Thanks for the suggestion. Coming up next - dragons. Thank you so much for reviewing, Noelle. <3 These really help a lot.
Thank youuu for the review, Jumpy.
Yes, you have hit it. They're being forced together!
although there is going to be a plot twist to thatThe tea is a sin? o.0 xDThese lack of context reviews are fineee, and I enjoy all of them. Brings some originality and spices up the monotony of my day. Thank you for everything, Jumpy. <3
Hey, Timmy! Here to review while you're away camping! ^^
I was so excited for this chapter. After the realisation and everything being announced in the last one, this chapter was just the cherry on top. I like how you explain everything so well, but don't info dump. It is all very delicate.
Anyway. NITPICKING TIME!
I KNEW IT. THEY ARE EACH OTHERS AFFINITYs.
This sentence seems quite chunky. I would rearrange this sentence like so: "An inanimate object fabricated by some nerd who made it dictate what my personality is like, and who I will spend my life with.". Oui?
Eep. That is the same question I'm asking. What is in store for Avery and Ally? Will they become each others Affinity? Will they resist? Fight back? Who else will be introduced? Do Karsh and Keisha love each other or have a strong bond? What is the purpose of the teens being there? All these questions. Driving. Me. Insane.
I can't believe no one pointed this out. You mean "from".
Bad, Timmy! No. The EM-Dash is such a no-no here. A comma is needed instead, dearest. Sorry.
I loved this paragraph so much. It was a new perspective I have seen when relating to brain-washing. Just a simple thing such as having your new-founded name is a wonderful thing and I really felt that with Avery. I can just imagine her pleasure and the satisfaction of being talked to and hearing her own name. It would sound good. Just a great part! It was amazing.
I would rearrange this sentence. Like so: "But he merely nods and promptly ignores me, turning his focus to the computer screen that separates us and types in something I can only identify as gibberish, before Keisha pulls on my arm."
Eeeww. I can just imagine that. Bluergh.
Dun dun dun. I wonder how Karsh is going to react. Hopefully he won't explode.
I have to agree with Deanie on this one. The "oops" just didn't cut it. Meh. It felt like a tag on. It wasn't really needed or anything so I would get rid if it
Great chapter!
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Thanks for another great review, Heather. Always wonderful and I just love reading them. So helpful. <3
Hai Timmy!
Pacing was perfect as usual too... What is there left to critique? Oh, nitpicks!
I am going to keep this review very short and sweet (if a review can even be sweet?) because I have next to nothing to say! This was almost a perfect chapter in itself. We get Avery's continued attitude, which I am gradually beginning to see as a front that she puts up to make herself feel stronger and better able to cope with everything. We've seen her lost, scared and in tears which was in all the chapters before this one, and she was so different! Which makes me see the attitude more as a cover. We've seen so much of Avery though, I do think it's about time we saw some more of the boy, who we still don't have a name for. You wouldn't want the reader to forget him, now would you
We get to see some more of Karsh and Keisha as they are formally introduced as a Affinity, which I already assumed so from the beginning. Just cause I am cool like that. But I would think that after Avery sees that affectionate had she would flash back to Karsh's harshness about there being no romance between Affinity's and shooting her hand a confused glance or something. I know affectionate could be seen in two ways, I just know that in this case, if I was Avery, I would only be thinking in one way
I liked how you used the teacup here as well! You're right, make sure it doesn't break in the previous chapter
Okay, so I get it. Avery said the word Affinity once with some emphasis, and then from there on out everyone starts to say it with emphasis? Nope, I don't think so xD I think you overused the italics a bit. It was necessary in the first place it was used, but not so much in the others.
A few sentences prior to this Avery already said 'I have to know'. Try and change this second one so it has the same meaning, but mixes up the vocabulary a bit.
I feel like the question on the end there isn't much use at all! It's already been covered by all the others, so it's unnecessary.
Well, I did mention this to you in chat but we better get it straight once and for all so it doesn't leak into your writing! You have to remember that a lot is just that, two separate words! Joining them together is incorrect. So, a lot from now on
This is just my opinion so you have no reason to have to apply this. But I felt like Avery's remark there at the end kind of ruined what would've made a nice closing to the ending. I felt like the cup falling was some sort of symbolism, (perhaps foreshadowing) and then you had a beautiful description that followed. It would've been the perfect note to end on, but then you added in that remark and it kind of ruined it for me :/ It's up to you, what you want to do with the end, but this is just my thoughts.
I am sorry it took me so long to get to this! It was very well written anyway, and I loved reading it. You better post more soon
Deanie x
Thank you, Livvy. Yes, I have that bad habit of just writing out alot, and I will change it to a lot and start writing them properly - if the Timmy brain can handle the change.
And it makes it easier for me... cuz their personalities are so different. You will see a lot (<---- got it right there!) of
)
Just for the future, I write two chapters according to each character at a time, so the reader can get into the character more.
Allythe boy coming up.Thank you for the nitpicks. They were perf (hehe, you dun like that word.
Hiya Timmy. I've finally got around to reviewing this. I'm on mobile, so this probably won't be detailed.
You are giving more information away now. I feel like the mysterious events of the beginning are really coming together.
We now know that they are going to be trained to work together. The big question is what for.
Is it weird that I think none of the things you'd need one mind for sound good? Criminal intent?? This is so full of suspense, it's brilliant!
I'm looking forward to coming back to the boy and seeing his perspective again. It would make the story whole, like he seems bound to make Avery. Clever... The next chapter is going to be great.
Other than the thing with the cup that you mentioned, I can't see any glaring nitpicks, so I may leave off there.
Sorry this has been short.
Thanks for your awesome review!
Oh good morning Timmy old boy!
Okay, first review of the day! You should be happy, you are the only one I am reviewing right now. XD.
Okay, this is an amazing chapter and you know that I would probably say, "How it flows from the last part if amazing." But Dude, really it flows really really well. Like if I had read this through all the way I wouldn't have thought it was just another part.
Soooooo her attitude still shines out even when she wants to be polite. I love how you do that. It is amazing you know? She is so amazing. Love the part with the tea xD.
I can't really find anything to nitpick about. So I might just end up leaving the review off here.
Keep writing,
-Tulip.
Thanks for the zooming fast review, Tulip! I really appreciate your dedication to my book.
How's yours coming along?
Its good. I just posted the edited version of the prologue up.
Technically, this is just another part of the previous chapter. Look at the title: 4.3 Everything is meant to flow together, just like that.
Pfft don't correct me. XS