Writer here again!
I know, I'm going backwards, which is awfully weird XD
Okay, so I'll go through nitpicks again, plot, and characters, etc.
Nitpicks!
All his wounds patched up and thoughts nearly clear.
I would put an are after "wounds," because you are missing a verb here.
It is all to painful for him though, the last time he laid in a tub was at Billingsgate Party and his escape for his life.
This sentence read kind of awkward. First off, I would change the comma to a semicolon and maybe take out "and his escape for his life"? Or you can reword that to: "the last time he laid in a tub was at Biilinsgate Party... and the escape for his life." Or something like that, I dunno
The party on Billingsgate wasn't exactly a real party, it was the Council's way in telling everyone the first ship of immigrants were coming to Connecticut and the first to be accepted.
Again, a little bit of a run-on. I would look at this and make sure it's clear and concise. I would change the comma to a semicolon too. If you are connecting to ideas that have a clear subject and predicate, always use a semicolon
He remembered it so clearly because it happened a few days ago.
Tense change! You were using present before and now you use past here. Be careful and make sure it's all consistent
The day began surprisingly warm; in Connecticut that rarely happened.
Why was that rare? (I know, why) but look, pretend your readers know absolutely nothing. If you use this approach, your descriptions and explanations will be very good to the story and will create more imagery. Be more specific and descriptive here and throughout this chapter
Marie loved sitting in Wyatt's favorite chair, the golden chair with a heart centering it and gray cushions.
I see some redundancy here. All you have to do is change the second "chair" to "one" and you won't have that redundancy anymore
Stevie didn't look bad himself, thick brown locks over lapping his earlobes, small forehead and wondering eyes.
I would put a semicolon or even just a colon after "himself" rather than a comma
His eyes were big and bold almost like two perfectly round chestnuts in summer.
This needs some punctuation after "bold" (semicolon)
He didn't realize till...
Should be "until"
He remembers little of their conversations though, but he thinks hard. His eyes scrunch up and he concentrates.
Be careful here with these transitions back and forth when it comes to tenses. Why not make the flashback all in italics? That way, sentences like this one won't be as confusing.
Rough and serious that stung peoples hearts.
This sentence should be reworded. It was so rough and serious that it stung people's hearts.
“Go over it one more time,” Louise exhales and inhales. They could seeLouiseshe was having second thoughts about this including Wyatt.
We know it's Louise having second thoughts because you already mention her inhaling and exhaling. Therefore, you should change the second Louise to "she".
I won't go through every nitpick, but I advise you to go back and work on grammatical errors.
Anyway, good plot! I like this whole idea of describing the early 1900s. Work on describing things more and using that approach I talked about.
Overall, great job!!
Points: 19633
Reviews: 233
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