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Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Final Destination Chapter 12 (Edited)

by Tiaradyson


It's bright inside as if someone centered the sun right in the middle of the entrance. Wyatt kind of likes that all the windows are open. White suits the place, everything just seem cleaner this way. Back home, everything had a color. From drapes to cushions, than to China to rugs. There's not a spec of color, except for antiques sitting on shelves. Drizzled in artists sweat and blood.

The woman sends them both into a living room. The floor is covered with an off white carpet and the room has four spectacular windows. A pair of big windows on opposite walls, they're about half the height of Wyatt and Garry.  Centering the white room is a stiff white couch, well it looked uncomfortable- to Wyatt. Five baby pillows lapping each other across the couch. They weren't white though, the pillows have little black on them and two of the five pillows are just pink.

“You a Christian man?” Wyatt gestures to one of the black pillows with a white cross in the center.

“My wife is,” Garry smiles to Wyatt. Wyatt oh’s the man and nods, pretending like none of these things bother him when it really does. “You will be meeting her later though,” Garry adds. The room smells of deodorized carpet, fresh heat mildly rising from it. He can see the rows of streaks used by a vacuum. It must have been used before they got there. There's clicking of soles moving towards them, from Garry's left. Two ladies enter through the arches, one of them holding a silver platter and the other has a pouch flung over her shoulder.

Both are beautiful women, but not as nearly as beautiful as the woman who answered the door earlier. He really wants to know her name, he's just not sure if it's really a good idea. Getting any closer to another woman might distract him from Marie, that was a choice he was willing to make. The two beautiful woman almost resemble the woman from the door, except their hair. From the two woman standing-unoccupied- the one on the right is a blonde with straight hair and bangs to her brows. The woman on the left of the blonde is a brunette with frizzled hair with her part centered.

Wyatt's eyes focus away from the women and to Garry, who's walking towards them. Their lifeless bodies gear into action and the woman with the platter steers it towards Garry, and the woman with the pouch fishes for something inside of her bag. A handful of white cloths and a vile rest in the blonde's hand. Garry's hand reaches towards his open mouth.

A loud gulp comes from Garry and a compact of saliva flings out his mouth along with a removal plate of teeth. Wyatt creeps up behind Garry, leaning over his shoulder and eying the platter. Rotten dentures, reddened gums missing few teeth and yellow teeth with black smudges at the roof of it.

“What is that?” He reaches over Garry's shoulder and point to the disgusting teeth. “Are those dentures?” They couldn't be though, they were missing teeth. He thinks to himself.

“Waxed teeth actually,” his lies are just too much for Wyatt. The thought in trusting this man is even more confusingly existing than Time Travel itself. Wyatt steps back from Garry's comfort zone and begins walking through the living room and to the door in which they came from. Garry's eyes travel in Wyatt's direction and he finds himself following behind Wyatt calling for him. “Please, hear me out.”

“Why, so you can lie to me?”

“I never told a lie, I simply kept these things to myself. You can understand right, you hide things from people all the time?” Wyatt shrugs, he does have a point. He just didn't like he hid things from him. Wyatt feels he's losing himself, instead of trusting his gut and so forth his heart. He's trusting his brain and the brain is the easiest thing to fool and Garry is just doing that. Why is he the hardest person to read, maybe I'm over thinking things? Wyatt frowns at the thought and shrugs.

If he does leave, there is no other place to stay besides the streets. He didn't think of bringing money, he didn't even think he would end up in the wrong year! Everything didn't play out in his head like he thought. The thought makes the decision making harder to decide.

“Wyatt, please. You need a doctor,”Garry points at all his wounds. The calf with the blood smear all over this pants, his burnt flesh and his stench that airs the room. “One night, please.” Garry only needs one night to convince Wyatt to stay longer- if only that could sound like a good thing to Wyatt. He agrees and the three women- the blonde, the woman from earlier who answered the door and the brunette, assures that Wyatt reaches a swirling staircase.

It's bright inside, as if someone centered the sun right in the middle of the entrance and thought it's a great idea to blind people right when they walk in. Strangely enough, Wyatt kind of liked that all the windows are open. White suits the place, everything just seem cleaner this way. Back home, everything had a color. From drapes to cushions, than to China to rugs etc. There's not a spec of color, except for antiques sitting on shelves. Drizzled in artists sweat and blood.

The woman sends them both into a living room. The floor is covered with an off white carpet. There are four spectacular windows. A pair of big windows on opposite walls, they're about half the height of Wyatt and Garry and as wide as a double-dresser. Centering the white room is a white stiffen couch, well it looked uncomfortable- to Wyatt. Five baby pillows lapping each other across the couch. They weren't white though, the pillows have little black on them and two of the five pillows are just pink.

“You a Christian Man?” Wyatt gestures one of the black pillows with a white cross in the center.

“My wife is,” Garry smiles to Wyatt. Wyatt oh’s the man and nods, pretending like none of these things bother him when it really does. “You will be meeting her later though,” Garry adds. The room smells of deodorized carpet, fresh heat mildly rising from it. He can see the rows of streaks used by a vacuum. It must have been used before they got there. There's clicking of soles moving towards them, from Garry's left. Two ladies enter through the arches, one of them holding a silver platter and the other has a pouch flung over her shoulder.

Both are beautiful women, but not as nearly as beautiful as the woman who answered the door earlier. He really wants to know her name, he's just not sure if it's really a good idea. Getting any closer to another woman might distract him from Marie, that was a choice he was willing to make. The two beautiful woman almost resemble the woman from the door, except their hair. From the two woman standing-unoccupied- the one on the right is a blonde with straight hair and bangs to her brows. The woman on the left of the blonde is a brunette with frizzled hair with her part centered.

Wyatt's eyes focuses away from the women and to Garry, who's walking towards them. They're lifeless body gears into action and the woman with the platter steers it towards Garry and the woman with the pouches fishes for something inside of her bag. A handful of white cloths and a vile rest in the blonde's hand. Garry's hand reaches towards his open mouth.

A loud gulp comes from Garry and a compact of saliva flings out his mouth along with a removal plate of teeth. Wyatt creeps behind Garry, leaning over his shoulder and eying the platter. Rotten dentures, redden gums missing few teeth and yellow teeth with black smudges at the roof of it.

“What is that?” He reaches over Garry's shoulder and point to the disgusting teeth. “Are those dentures?” They couldn't be though, they were missing teeth. He thinks to himself.

“Waxed teeth actually,” his lies are just too much for Wyatt. The thought in trusting this man is even more confusingly existing than Time Travel itself. Wyatt steps back from Garry's comfort zone and begins walking through the living room and to the door in which they came from. Garry's eyes travel in Wyatt's direction and he finds himself following behind Wyatt calling for him. “Please, hear me out.”

“Why, so you can lie to me?”

“I never told a lie, I simply kept these things to myself. You can understand right, you hide things from people all the time?” Wyatt shrugs, he does have a point. He just didn't like he hid things from him. Wyatt feels he's losing himself, instead of trusting his gut and so forth his heart. He's trusting his brain and the brain is the easiest thing to fool and Garry is just doing that. Why is he the hardest person to read, maybe I'm over thinking things? Wyatt frowns at the thought and shrugs.

If he does leave, there is no other place to stay besides the streets. He didn't think of bringing money, he didn't even think he would end up in the wrong year! Everything didn't play out in his head like he thought. The thought makes the decision making harder to decide.

“Wyatt, please. You need a doctor,”Garry points at all his wounds. The calf with the blood smear all over this pants, his burnt flesh and his stench that airs the room. “One night, please.” Garry only needs one night to convince Wyatt to stay longer- if only that could sound like a good thing to Wyatt. He agrees and the three women- the blonde, the woman from earlier who answered the door and the brunette, assures that Wyatt reaches a swirling staircase.


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Points: 657
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Mon Jul 28, 2014 4:23 pm
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danceofparchment wrote a review...



Okay, hello there! This is my first review, and I'm not really all that critical of ideas and such, but I think I'm okay with grammar. Anyway, I'm rambling. To the review!

"It's bright inside, as if someone centered the sun right in the middle of the entrance and thought it's a great idea to blind people right when they walk in. Strangely enough, Wyatt kind of liked that all the windows are open. White suits the place, everything just seem cleaner this way."

Firstly, although this isn't quite so much of grammar, I sometimes find that it's not a good idea to have a long sentence at the beginning of a story/novel. It can sometimes bore the reader when they should be drawn in by the first sentence.

Also, at the end of that sentence, it may be a good idea to write "and thought, 'It's a great idea. . ."

When you write the sentence beginning, "Strangely enough. . ." you changed tenses, so 'liked' should be 'likes', so that it's all in present tense.

Also, there should be an 's' at the end of 'seem', making it 'seems'.

"The woman sends them both into a living room. The floor is covered with an off white carpet. There are four spectacular windows. A pair of big windows on opposite walls, they're about half the height of Wyatt and Garry and as wide as a double-dresser. Centering the white room is a white stiffen couch, well it looked uncomfortable - to Wyatt. Five baby pillows lapping each other across the couch. They weren't white though, the pillows have little black on them and two of the five pillows are just pink. "

At the beginning of this paragraph, there are three consecutive short sentences. This sort of disrupted the flow for me. I think it would be better to keep the first sentence the same, but combine the two, so that they make the sentence, "The floor is covered with an off-white carpet, and four spectacular windows face each other, two on each wall." or something along those lines. And then you could go on just to say, "They're about half the height of Wyatt and Garry, and as wide as a double dresser". You don't need the first bit of that sentence, as it is already in the one before it.

"Centering the white room is a white stiffen couch." doesn't quite sound right. I think maybe it's because you have the word 'white' in there twice. I think you should take out one of those, and also write "white stiffen couch" as "stiff white couch". Just a thought on that. In the sentence afterwards, you also changed tenses again.

"“You a Christian Man?” Wyatt gestures one of the black pillows with a white cross in the center." There should be a comma before 'man', and the 'm' should also not be capitalised. Remember: when presenting a name in dialogue and in general, you have a comma at the end of the word before it (if there is a word before it) and a comma at the end of that word if there is a word after it, or if it is the end of the dialogue part, and the next part is saying something like 'Wyatt said.' etc. The sae goes for when you use the name one is conversing with.

Also, I think it should be 'Wyatt gestures to one...' rather than 'Wyatt gestures one...'

"Wyatt's eyes focuses away from the women and to Garry, who's walking towards them. They're lifeless body gears into action and the woman with the platter steers it towards Garry and the woman with the pouches fishes for something inside of her bag. A handful of white cloths and a vile rest in the blonde's hand. Garry's hand reaches towards his open mouth."

In the first sentence, it should read "Wyatt's eyes focus", not "Wyatt's eyes focuses".

"They're lifeless body gears into action and the woman with the platter steers it towards Garry and the woman with the pouches fishes for something inside of her bag." This sentence rambles on a bit. I think it should say, "Their lifeless bodies gear into action and the woman with the platter steers it towards Garry, as the woman with the pouches fishes for something inside her bag." You also spelt "their" wrong. Also, "body" should be "bodies" and "gears" should be "gear".

"A handful of white cloths and a vile rest in the blonde's hand." I think you mean "clothes" not "cloths", and "veil" not "vile". I o like this sentence though; it gives us an idea of a wedding of some kind, a little bit of foreshadowing.

"A loud gulp comes from Garry and a compact of saliva flings out his mouth along with a removal plate of teeth. Wyatt creeps behind Garry, leaning over his shoulder and eying the platter. Rotten dentures, redden gums missing few teeth and yellow teeth with black smudges at the roof of it." In the first sentence, there should be a comma before "along". Also, I think you should write "Wyatt creeps up behind Garry. . ." in the second sentence. The next sentence, you write "redden gums" when I think it should be "reddened".

After this, however, I cannot find any faults, other than that you repeat the chapter. Not sure how that happened, whether it's a glitch on my laptop or what.

Anyway, bye!




Tiaradyson says...


Thank you so much for all that advice! I really need some help LOL



Tiaradyson says...


This chapter is from the middle of one of my other chapters, lately I haven't been doing so well with my grammar and it's been making my work look badly.. LOL
The first 8 chapters are good, now im just failing lol Trying hard not to react so badly to it.



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:17 am
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manisha wrote a review...



Manisha to review chapter 12 for you!
Go Team Rocket <3

I'll review as I read.

Strangely enough, Wyatt kinda like that all the windows are open.
kinda liked replace with kinda liked. For a more refined touch kinda to kind of.

Drizzled in artists sweat and blood.
Did you mean this literally? O.o I'm just curious on a personal note.

The floor is covered with an off white carpet with four spectacular windows.
The floor has windows? Because that is what it sounds like. You know what to change here now.

They wasn't white though,
wasn't - weren't

Two ladies entering through the arches, one of them holding a silver platter and the other has a pouch flung to her shoulder.

Entering is enter.
pouch flung over her shoulder.

Both beautiful women, but not as nearly as beautiful as the woman who answered the door earlier.

Remember you are not talking to yourself but to the reader. Do not ignore small words that could make a lot of sense and add a great deal to the flow of the story.
Both are beautiful women.

He really wants to know her name, he's just not sure if it's really a good idea.

You make him say such things and not give a reason. Why isn't he sure it isn't a good idea?

The thought in trusting this man is even more confusinglyexisting than Time Travel itself.

“Please, here me out.”
here is hear

I simple kept these things to myself.
simple is simply

He's trusting his brain and the brain is the easiest thing to fool
I thought it was the other way around :D

Overall,
This was one of your better chapters. I would easily give 8/10 for this. Once overlooking the nitpicks I wanted to keep reading on and see more about this strange Garry, how he is able to speak without his dentures (yeah!) and the white house with its stranger women.
The thing that requires you attention is your sentences. Rightly framed sentences add flow and without flow the story is just jarring and very unappetizing to the mind. Read the sentences out loud to see if they sound right. Reading out loud is one of the best ways to find the mistakes. I strongly suggest you do that.

I had another point I wanted to say but I forgot what it was lol. If I recall it I'll add it as a comment.

Well, if you have any questions feel free to PM me!
Good day!

Image




Tiaradyson says...


That was perfect, thanks for catching my misspells and explaining some things to me. Thank you ^_^




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— Stan Lee