Okay, hello there! This is my first review, and I'm not really all that critical of ideas and such, but I think I'm okay with grammar. Anyway, I'm rambling. To the review!
"It's bright inside, as if someone centered the sun right in the middle of the entrance and thought it's a great idea to blind people right when they walk in. Strangely enough, Wyatt kind of liked that all the windows are open. White suits the place, everything just seem cleaner this way."
Firstly, although this isn't quite so much of grammar, I sometimes find that it's not a good idea to have a long sentence at the beginning of a story/novel. It can sometimes bore the reader when they should be drawn in by the first sentence.
Also, at the end of that sentence, it may be a good idea to write "and thought, 'It's a great idea. . ."
When you write the sentence beginning, "Strangely enough. . ." you changed tenses, so 'liked' should be 'likes', so that it's all in present tense.
Also, there should be an 's' at the end of 'seem', making it 'seems'.
"The woman sends them both into a living room. The floor is covered with an off white carpet. There are four spectacular windows. A pair of big windows on opposite walls, they're about half the height of Wyatt and Garry and as wide as a double-dresser. Centering the white room is a white stiffen couch, well it looked uncomfortable - to Wyatt. Five baby pillows lapping each other across the couch. They weren't white though, the pillows have little black on them and two of the five pillows are just pink. "
At the beginning of this paragraph, there are three consecutive short sentences. This sort of disrupted the flow for me. I think it would be better to keep the first sentence the same, but combine the two, so that they make the sentence, "The floor is covered with an off-white carpet, and four spectacular windows face each other, two on each wall." or something along those lines. And then you could go on just to say, "They're about half the height of Wyatt and Garry, and as wide as a double dresser". You don't need the first bit of that sentence, as it is already in the one before it.
"Centering the white room is a white stiffen couch." doesn't quite sound right. I think maybe it's because you have the word 'white' in there twice. I think you should take out one of those, and also write "white stiffen couch" as "stiff white couch". Just a thought on that. In the sentence afterwards, you also changed tenses again.
"“You a Christian Man?” Wyatt gestures one of the black pillows with a white cross in the center." There should be a comma before 'man', and the 'm' should also not be capitalised. Remember: when presenting a name in dialogue and in general, you have a comma at the end of the word before it (if there is a word before it) and a comma at the end of that word if there is a word after it, or if it is the end of the dialogue part, and the next part is saying something like 'Wyatt said.' etc. The sae goes for when you use the name one is conversing with.
Also, I think it should be 'Wyatt gestures to one...' rather than 'Wyatt gestures one...'
"Wyatt's eyes focuses away from the women and to Garry, who's walking towards them. They're lifeless body gears into action and the woman with the platter steers it towards Garry and the woman with the pouches fishes for something inside of her bag. A handful of white cloths and a vile rest in the blonde's hand. Garry's hand reaches towards his open mouth."
In the first sentence, it should read "Wyatt's eyes focus", not "Wyatt's eyes focuses".
"They're lifeless body gears into action and the woman with the platter steers it towards Garry and the woman with the pouches fishes for something inside of her bag." This sentence rambles on a bit. I think it should say, "Their lifeless bodies gear into action and the woman with the platter steers it towards Garry, as the woman with the pouches fishes for something inside her bag." You also spelt "their" wrong. Also, "body" should be "bodies" and "gears" should be "gear".
"A handful of white cloths and a vile rest in the blonde's hand." I think you mean "clothes" not "cloths", and "veil" not "vile". I o like this sentence though; it gives us an idea of a wedding of some kind, a little bit of foreshadowing.
"A loud gulp comes from Garry and a compact of saliva flings out his mouth along with a removal plate of teeth. Wyatt creeps behind Garry, leaning over his shoulder and eying the platter. Rotten dentures, redden gums missing few teeth and yellow teeth with black smudges at the roof of it." In the first sentence, there should be a comma before "along". Also, I think you should write "Wyatt creeps up behind Garry. . ." in the second sentence. The next sentence, you write "redden gums" when I think it should be "reddened".
After this, however, I cannot find any faults, other than that you repeat the chapter. Not sure how that happened, whether it's a glitch on my laptop or what.
Anyway, bye!
Points: 657
Reviews: 11
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