The Teal Ribbon

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was certainly a really interesting story, judging by the genre it was in, I was expecting something a little different, but I have to say I am absolutely not disappointed at all, this seems like a really amazing little story, and I definitely loved it.

Anyway let's get right to it,

She was so strange, I only saw her a few times. Each time, she was exactly the same. I don't know how old she was, sixteen, seventeen maybe, and her bright blonde hair contrasted beautifully with her teal green ribbon. Her shoes were like that of a ballerina, the same shade as the silken bow in her hair. Her shirt was dazzling white and her skirt a mix of teal and green, long and flowing like her silky hair. I encountered her four times, to my knowledge at least. Every time, she would say a few words, lend me a hand, or, give me a wink. Never did our exchanges last more than a few minutes.

The first time, I was four, at a playground with my mother. I was trying to get some momentum on the swings, but no one would push me and I hadn't gotten the hang of it yet. She came over, and without a word gave me a large push. I went so high she ran under me. I was going to thank her, but as I looked around, I saw little more than a fleeting glimpse of teal, and then she was gone. I can't be certain, but I think that push lasted extra long.

The second time, I was six and a half, trying to get some homework done. It was math homework and I was getting really frustrated. When I heard a whisper behind me. I turned and there she was. She helped me with the homework, gently pushing me in the right direction. I meant to thank her, but as I wrote down the last answer, she disappeared.

When I turned ten, I saw her at my birthday party, same hair and clothes. Though this time she just gave me a wink and a thumbs up. And she was gone again.

Then, at thirteen, I saw her at the library. She looked very hopeful, though I don’t know why. When she saw me though, her face fell and she disappeared behind a shelf. To this day I wonder why she was so hopeful.

Now, as I write this, I am in the same library mentioned previously. I’ve come here often in the last four years since she was here.. Even though she’s never in the same place twice.

I look up, and my heart soars, she just stepped out from behind a shelf. Looking somewhat lost, and peering around as if looking for someone. I run forward and catch her eye. “Umm, Hello! I’ve never really…” She puts a finger to my lips, leans in to whisper in my ear.

“I’ve been waiting for you.”

I feel like this was some kind of awesome mix between some horror mystery to paranormal romance. I have no idea xD

Either way, I'm so... intrigued, by this! The atmosphere surrounding this just hooked me in and the ending... The ending had me dramatically throwing my hands up wondering why this isn't a novel, ahaha!

I feel like this has so much potential - really, you're good at setting the atmosphere for this!

YEOOOOO

Wow this was kind of epic. Like It was a cross
between like some sort of creepy story about
a weird guardian and a serious love story like
yeah. Sorry I'm really weird but to be honest
this totally got my attention because of how
unique it was in portraying it's ideas and I
thought it was pretty cool . Some things to
improve on though, there's not much by the way,
it's just maybe some more detail and you could
add some more about this secret girl and why it
means so much to this boy character and why he's
so curious or something a bit more like...beginning info
sort of. But It might be just me but thats all I got and theres
of course the minor grammatical and spelling mistakes, but
I shouldn't be talking. Overall awesome, hope to see a part 2

JPARKS OUTT

Hello!

I have just a few minor things I would like to point out that you could change if you would prefer.

*and her bright blonde contrasted beautifully- Should there be the word "hair" right after blonde?
*the same shade as her hair ribbon.- Maybe you could try and find a different word for "ribbon" because it sounds a bit repetitive.
*, or, - I'm not sure if these commas are necessary.
*She helped me with all the math.- I don't know if this is just me, but I feel like this sentence doesn't exactly fit right into this paragraph. Maybe you could try and reword it so it flows better.
*clothes., though- This is a very little thing, just erase the period.
*She looked very hopeful, though I don’t know why. To this day I don’t know why.- You write these two sentences in one paragraph. You use the phrase "I don't know why" twice. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but if it wasn't you might want to replace the second one with something else.
*she was here..- Just erase that second period.

You are a really great writer and I can picture all of this well, due to your descriptions. I love how you told about how you saw her four times and told the scenario of each age. You also managed to do that without repeating an introduction. Also, the ending is very catchy! Is this the end? Or are you writing something else? Please let me know!

Hello Authorian, Wolf here for a review.

First off, this was really good! I loved how short and sweet it was, and you pulled this off really well. The idea behind this mystery girl was a really nice touch and you do a fabulous job of pulling to off.

However, I do have one little technical critique. Throughout this piece, I do notice that sometimes a sentence is started with either 'but' or 'and' (however, 'because' falls under this too), and that is normally frowned upon. It kind of makes the writing rather choppy, so I would recommend just making that into a compound sentence with a comma instead of a period (since when someone pauses with a comma it's shorter than a period, random fact.)

On to content! I loved how sweet this was, since its about a little boy (or I assume the narrator is male, because you never know) and this mystery girl who appears at random times to help the narrator out when he needs it, or just there in general. I like the vagueness and the mystery behind this girl, but I feel like you leave too many questions for the reader.

Is she a phantom? How old is she? What does she want with the main character? Speaking of which, we don't know very much about the main character either, how old he is, gender, appearance, or even personality really. I feel like this is a great start a I love it how it is, but this can definitely be taken to new heights. Really kindle the romance between these two and show their relationship. Can't wait to see more. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

Hey Authorian. Welcome to YWS; I hope you find this site useful and my review helpful.

I am here for a mini review; or, in other words, amazed my your great story.

I would have to appreciate you for this story. It is simply amazing; it would be so great of you if you expand it a bit and make it, either a little longer or a novel.

The flow was great and the way you described the your character was simply superb. The ending was quite nice too; I liked it a lot. The only thing I want you to be doing is to write a long story/novel on this idea of yours. Believe me, you shall rock!

I hope to read your next works soon. I am sure they are also as great and interesting as this.

Have a great day! Keep writing this kind of great work.

Cheers.