z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Language

Honeymoon in Mars-Episode11(The Old Man Revealed)

by rikkidas


Jason and Edwards looked petrified upon being locked in a cell in the corner of a dark prison.

They saw an old man sitting in the corner of the cell.His face was covered with some material though not distinctly visible as to what it really was.

Edwards said,"Ahh! Hello, Old guy.All's good?"

The old man stared at them angrily and picked up some piece of thrash material and violently threw that at them.

Jason screamed,"Watch what you are doing,you old thing"

Edwards asked the old man who he was and asked him to stand up.

Jason said,"We are locked in this cell by a baby, I mean a wicked evil baby and his zombie soldiers.We meant not to do any harm to anyone or any property.You know how we can get rid of here?"

The old man stood up and shed his old clothes.He did not look so old. He was wearing a cloak underneath .

The old man said,"Hello outsiders, my name is Evian Lawrence and I was a scientist in Articus Base3. Due to huge demand of entertainment in Articus Base 2 ,I along with a group of scientists created a game wherein humans can enter the digital world and battle against virtual monsters."

Edwards said,"Ok tell me more about it."

Evian said,"Slowly I started realizing that this world had a capability to modify human information and trap them.So in the next phase we designed a demorpher device to sync us back and forth between real and virtual dimensions that existed in parallel but one day while escaping the digital world, my demorpher fell during a battle in Level-1 with the zombies and it was destroyed.All my colleagues were lucky to have escaped but the energy released on destruction of the demorpher created several anti elements in this world that resulted in three wicked elements. It created three phases of evil.

The baby phase which you just witnessed in the form of the destiny's child.It is not real but it is made of corrupt data.The data which brings stubbornness and angriness in the virtual game characters.You must defeat it to advance to next level."

Edwards said,"Continue talking old man.You have to describe other two phases.So keep talking"

Evian said,"The next evil element created is by the corrupt data of greed,lust and jealousy.It is the feeling every person develop once he grows into an adult.It resulted in the creation of Myra,the evil sorceress.Beware her mesmerizing spells.Everyone felt for it. The third phase represent wisdom and knowledge and represent an adult who has acquired knowledge of life and reasoning and wisdom.The third phase of evil resulted in the creation of Ofro,The wizard.He can only be defeated by sheer knowledge and cleverness."

Jason said,"Do we need to beat all of them to get out of here?"

Evian replied,"I fear you have to.If a wanderer in the digital domain carries a demorpher, the instrument generates a gateway that helps him escape this domain bypassing all threats from these.But since you don't have the device,I guess this is the only way out of here."

Jason shouted,"Since you know how to get out of this place,why are you still here.You did not even give a try"

Evian said,"I tried youngman but i do not have the strength to battle these forces.I was captured and locked in this prison.But you must know that every world that is in existence is not unstable.To stabilize or balance out the evil, the energy from the demorpher has created two special weapons. The first is the sword of the decoder which can wipe out the destiny's child.The other is the mirror of fate that can trap Myra,the sorceress."

Edwards said,"How to defeat the evil wizard at third phase?"

Evian said,"Remember what I told you.Ofro is wise and intelligent.You do not need any weapons.You need to use your reasoning and cleverness to tackle him. Once someone defeats all the evil characters, the gateway to real world opens up and it remains open till three years in virtual domain which is approximately half an hour of time in real world.Hence we age much faster in this domain and I lost all my strength in nearly a week where several years passed for me in this domain.If you do not hurry up you will face the same fate.After that the gateway shuts down and these characters are brought to life again and they wait for the next traveler"

Jason said,"The story sounds really spooky and creepy."

Evian said,"The sword of decoder must be found out and the destiny's child must be annihilated. That will mark the end of level-1 and you can then proceed to level-2.I know you can do it and I shall accompany you in your entire journey and together I know we can overcome any odds and after all we humans are creators and we shall extinguish the evil energy our our creations."

Edwards said,"You know old man that energy can neither be created nor be destroyed".

Jason said,"But we shall neutralize this energy and convert into such a form that it causes harm to no one,not any more"

At this a zombie soldier appeared in front of their cell and asked them not to make much noise.

How will the old man,Evian help them to get out of the mysterious digital world.

Mystery unfolds in next Episode.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
401 Reviews


Points: 1658
Reviews: 401

Donate
Thu May 29, 2014 9:55 pm
View Likes
ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hey there!! Cricket here for another review on this work!!

OK, so like last time I really love how you make everything sound sooooooooooo technical. Its gonna make my head spin with it all!! Paragraphing-except for a few mistakes- is practically flawless.

But I'm going to do some nitpicks real quick OK?

NITPICKS!!!!

.His face was covered with some material though not distinctly visible as to what it was.


The only problem with this I think is its to vague on description. And it almost seems like there is a break in the middle of the sentence. Try and take out some words, or add into it, to make it flow. But anyway back towards description.....telling us that it wasn't distinctly visible as to what is was, doesn't help the reader get a clear idea of what the material looks like. I know you said that it isn't visible as to what it was, but when describing something you should really have SOME description on it. Rather maybe describe the material-yes- but also the way the old man sits, or maybe where his hands are placed,and stuff like that. Let the reader get a clear picture of how the old man is situated.

Hello Old guy


No capitalization on "Old". Sorry if this nitpick is dumb.

Jason and Edwards looked petrified upon being locked in a cell in the corner of a dark prison.


hmmm, instead of telling us that they looked petrified maybe instead show how scared they are through dialogue and the like. Like they are talking to each other and you can show through like them stuttering and stuff like that. Just a thought.....

Jason screamed,


I don't think he would scream. Maybe shout, but not scream.

.You know how we can get rid of here?"


This didn't make much sense to me. Maybe "do you know how we can get out of here"?

but i


Just a dumb nitpick...."I" should be capitalized. :D

At this a zombie soldier appeared in front of their cell and asked them not to make much noise.


Now with this I do have a concern. Would the soldier ask them to not make noise? I mean, not even regular soldiers would ask. More like they would shout, or something of that nature.

give a try"


End of a sentence. Always remember periods at the end of sentence's. :D

How will the old man,Evian help them to get out of the mysterious digital world.


No comma necessary after "man". And since this is like a question, there should be a question mark at the end of it, instead of a period. :P

But we shall neutralize


Sounds a bit awkward to me...:P Maybe instead of "shall" you could use "could"?:D


END OF NITPICKS!!!!!

hmmm, from looking at this as a whole I'd say this is pretty good. I mean, it needs some improvement, but just in like the grammar department mainly. So no BIG problem there. Brrr, there was a time, when I would sit down and start crying because I couldn't seem to get anything right on paper, and everybody kept telling me..."Its your grammar!" Perfectly true I think. Just work on that, and this work will be incredibly awesome!!

Edwards said,"You know old man that energy can neither be created nor be destroyed".


Ohhhh, that's the Second or Third Law of Thermodynamics right? That's sooooo cool to have in the story! I'm a total science geek at times so I really appreciate the science in this!:D At first I was a little worried about how you were describing the science in it all, but now I see how you're doing it all. One thing that everybody has to remember though, is don't assume your readers are as smart as you. Think of them as idiots almost, as to make sure they understand what you're getting at. :D

Now one thing I have noticed with you is how you use a good variety of "said" and "replied". Now with some writer's nowadays they just stay away from "said". They think its overused or something. Of course "said" is underused now due to that. But you use an awesome variety of them all! Keep it up!

Description-although you aren't perfect at it- I still can't help but admire how you don't just shove it all in our faces. The way you move in, and then move out, giving us hints and showing us the tiniest bit of detail but at the same time making the most of it. Its extremely awesome! Some writers (me too!) like to just shove descriptions in your face in two or three paragraphs. You do awesome at NOT doing that!


Anyway, you have a super cool idea here, and I can't wait to see where it goes. Would it be to much trouble for you to maybe ping me or post a comment on my wall when you post next? I would really love to read and review more of this. So anyway, keep writing! Hope to read some more from you soon!




User avatar
151 Reviews


Points: 388
Reviews: 151

Donate
Sun May 25, 2014 5:35 pm
Pinkiegirl13 wrote a review...



Hi, rikkidas. This is pinkiegirl13! I like to be reviewer on this May Review Day!!

Well, it looks like Jared did the grammar errors. I guess I should do my favorite part of the review: tell about your story! :)

First off, I love the picture by the way. I wander where you got it from? Google or other sites? Whatever! Anyway, I love this story. Like Jared says, you did made the story connected the plot. You did very well on that. I also love how you did made it real to me in my mind. However, you do need some help on the grammar like Jared says. But hey, we do made mistakes as writers. Well, I do that all the time and I'm still learning. I really enjoyed it! I hope to read more from you.

Cheers

your reviewer, Pinkie

P.S.: Happy May Review Day!




rikkidas says...


Ok, Thanks for your reviews. If you have time please go through other episodes as well.



User avatar
1274 Reviews


Points: 35799
Reviews: 1274

Donate
Sun May 25, 2014 5:32 pm
View Likes
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there rikkidas! Nite here to review another episode for the Ultramarines this fine Review Day!

It looks like Jared already covered the grammar, which is great, but I honestly think that's a secondary issue here. I was so distracted by the odd name choices that I didn't touch on it in my last review, but the dialogue here is very strange. It's very tell-heavy, even more so than the narration. The problem is, people don't talk like that.

Edwards said,"Ahh! Hello, Old guy.All's good?"


This does not seem like a realistic way to approach someone in this environment. They're imprisoned by this evil baby thing, and anything in this bizarre universe could help or hurt them. Also, this may be a language/cultural thing, but here I would NEVER refer to an elderly person I didn't know as "old guy" or "old man". It would be considered pretty rude. I think a more respectful word here, like "sir", would be better. I also think there might be some hesitation to approach this man, given the situation. Some arguing between the two about who's going to approach him would show off their personalities. Yes, this is an action-focused story, but well-developed characters can really take it to the next level.

Evian also seems unusually forth-coming. He is the "Wise Old Man" character in this story, like Gandalf from LOTR or Dumbledore from Harry Potter. Those characters would never spill all their knowledge/secrets this quickly. Also, as one scientist working on such a big project, it seems unlikely he would know the whole story and everything about the world.

This story is very interesting, but I would work on making the dialogue and characters a bit more realistic. Keep writing! :)




rikkidas says...


ok, thanks.



User avatar
39 Reviews


Points: 283
Reviews: 39

Donate
Sun May 25, 2014 2:50 pm
View Likes
Jared wrote a review...



Hello, this is a review from Jared.

Nitpicks

Jason and Edwards looked petrified upon being locked in a cell in the corner of a dark prison.

They saw an old man sitting in the corner of the cell.His face was covered with some material though not distinctly visible as to what it was.

You go from past tense to present tense in those three sentences.

Edwards said,"Ahh! Hello [,] Old guy. All's good?"

I'm assuming this was a typing error, for the most part. Add the comma in the bracket (and fix the spacing).

The old man stared at them angrily and picked up some piece of thrash material and violently threw [it] at them.

Using [it], you have to reference that he is throwing that material at them.

Jason screamed,"Watch what your are doing,you old thing"

Rephrase to: "Jason screamed, 'Watch what [you are] doing, you old thing.'"

Edwards asked the old man who he was and [asked him] to stand up.

No need to include the second [asked him].

Jason said,"We are locked in this cell by a baby, I mean a wicked evil baby and his zombie soldiers.We meant not to do any harm to anyone or any property.You know how we can get rid of here?"

Fix the spacing, and [rid] should be replaced with [out].

The old man stood up and shed his old clothes.He did not look so old. He was wearing a cloak.

Rephrase to, perhaps: "The old man stood up and shed his old clothes. He was wearing a cloak underneath, and now he didn't look so old."

Edwards said, "Ok [,] tell me more about it."

Insert comma and space (comma is in bracket).

Evian said,"Slowly I started realizing that this world had a capability to modify human information and trap them.So in the next phase we designed a demorpher device to sync us back and forth between real and virtual dimensions that existed in parallel but one day while escaping the digital world, my demorpher fell during a battle in Level-1 with the zombies and it was destroyed.All my colleagues were lucky to have escaped but the energy released on destruction of the demorpher created several anti elements in this world that resulted in three wicked elements. It created three phases of evil.

This whole entire part is very fragmented and hard to read. You need to add spaces, commas, and overall simply rephrase it.

I'm going to stop nitpicking there.
To be honest, you have quite a bit of work to do on this. There are several instances where there is little to no grammatical structure to speak of. I would suggest you edit and read over this several times.

Praise and analysis
For an 11th episode, this seems to be reasonable. Your grammar needs some work, but this seems to connect the plot well.




rikkidas says...


Thanks for your reviews.




Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
— Homer Simpson