Hey there!! Cricket here for another review on this work!!
OK, so like last time I really love how you make everything sound sooooooooooo technical. Its gonna make my head spin with it all!! Paragraphing-except for a few mistakes- is practically flawless.
But I'm going to do some nitpicks real quick OK?
NITPICKS!!!!
.His face was covered with some material though not distinctly visible as to what it was.
The only problem with this I think is its to vague on description. And it almost seems like there is a break in the middle of the sentence. Try and take out some words, or add into it, to make it flow. But anyway back towards description.....telling us that it wasn't distinctly visible as to what is was, doesn't help the reader get a clear idea of what the material looks like. I know you said that it isn't visible as to what it was, but when describing something you should really have SOME description on it. Rather maybe describe the material-yes- but also the way the old man sits, or maybe where his hands are placed,and stuff like that. Let the reader get a clear picture of how the old man is situated.
Hello Old guy
No capitalization on "Old". Sorry if this nitpick is dumb.
Jason and Edwards looked petrified upon being locked in a cell in the corner of a dark prison.
hmmm, instead of telling us that they looked petrified maybe instead show how scared they are through dialogue and the like. Like they are talking to each other and you can show through like them stuttering and stuff like that. Just a thought.....
Jason screamed,
I don't think he would scream. Maybe shout, but not scream.
.You know how we can get rid of here?"
This didn't make much sense to me. Maybe "do you know how we can get out of here"?
but i
Just a dumb nitpick...."I" should be capitalized.
At this a zombie soldier appeared in front of their cell and asked them not to make much noise.
Now with this I do have a concern. Would the soldier ask them to not make noise? I mean, not even regular soldiers would ask. More like they would shout, or something of that nature.
give a try"
End of a sentence. Always remember periods at the end of sentence's.
How will the old man,Evian help them to get out of the mysterious digital world.
No comma necessary after "man". And since this is like a question, there should be a question mark at the end of it, instead of a period.
But we shall neutralize
Sounds a bit awkward to me... Maybe instead of "shall" you could use "could"?:D
END OF NITPICKS!!!!!
hmmm, from looking at this as a whole I'd say this is pretty good. I mean, it needs some improvement, but just in like the grammar department mainly. So no BIG problem there. Brrr, there was a time, when I would sit down and start crying because I couldn't seem to get anything right on paper, and everybody kept telling me..."Its your grammar!" Perfectly true I think. Just work on that, and this work will be incredibly awesome!!
Edwards said,"You know old man that energy can neither be created nor be destroyed".
Ohhhh, that's the Second or Third Law of Thermodynamics right? That's sooooo cool to have in the story! I'm a total science geek at times so I really appreciate the science in this!:D At first I was a little worried about how you were describing the science in it all, but now I see how you're doing it all. One thing that everybody has to remember though, is don't assume your readers are as smart as you. Think of them as idiots almost, as to make sure they understand what you're getting at.
Now one thing I have noticed with you is how you use a good variety of "said" and "replied". Now with some writer's nowadays they just stay away from "said". They think its overused or something. Of course "said" is underused now due to that. But you use an awesome variety of them all! Keep it up!
Description-although you aren't perfect at it- I still can't help but admire how you don't just shove it all in our faces. The way you move in, and then move out, giving us hints and showing us the tiniest bit of detail but at the same time making the most of it. Its extremely awesome! Some writers (me too!) like to just shove descriptions in your face in two or three paragraphs. You do awesome at NOT doing that!
Anyway, you have a super cool idea here, and I can't wait to see where it goes. Would it be to much trouble for you to maybe ping me or post a comment on my wall when you post next? I would really love to read and review more of this. So anyway, keep writing! Hope to read some more from you soon!
Points: 1658
Reviews: 401
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