You always liked fairy tales,
but our lives were hardly one.
You were a damsel who liked
her distress and your inspiration,
was a different type of heroine.
But I was hopelessly trapped in myself,
with no way out.
I was intoxicated with madness and
somehow in love with my sadness.
Together, we were an island of despair
whose twisted souls seemed to connect.
We convinced ourselves that perhaps
a psychopath is better than no path at all.
We were just two suicidal kids who told
other suicidal kids that suicide isn't
the answer.
And we all lived miserably ever after.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi TheWeather, I'm new. Incogneato's the name! *Waves* Pardon if this isn't very helpful, I'm not really good at reviewing poetry
Well, one line really stuck out, and that was the "a psychopath is better than no path at all."
Really creative and really powerful! I had to laugh at the ingenuity of the line
This whole poem is bitter-sweet, although it's leaning closer to sweet then bitter in my opinion. I can really see why it featured! It's really nice piece. Thanks for writing it. It is encouraging to everyone I think, to realize that you can live a life. Suicide isn't the only option. This was really powerful and nice poem!
*Vanishes*
Pretty darn good!
There are a couple of points I would like to make if I may. Firstly you have a lovely metaphor with "twisted souls," but it doesn't seem to work with the word "connect." Perhaps try and find a different verb that somehow works better with the idea of pairing, perhaps fit or pair.
The play on words you did with psychopath was great.
And finally I think a comma after "distress" would help the reader pause on that very nice line, rather that missing it, which would be truly tragic.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Oooh, nice voice, TheWeather!
My favorite lines are about how a "psychopath is better than no path at all" and the honesty of "just two suicidal kids who told/ other suicidal kids that suicide isn't/ the answer".
I like them because you play with the opposites. You play with twisting words around to try to make them mean different things than they usually do. You can see this pattern throughout the poem, as you say "you liked fairy takes" BUT "our lives were not one", contrasting fairy tale w/ not fairy tale. You contrast a damsel in distress w/ liking the distress, the idea of a heroine w/ a different type of heroine, the islands w/ the idea of connecting, the path in psychopath w/ the idea of a real path, the regular use of the phrase "happily ever after" w/ the word "miserably". You do it over and over again, hehe!
And while I liked a couple of these inversions, especially the second one I mentioned up top, it gets a little bit overbearing when the poem only talks about those kinds of situations and all the poem does it change it to the opposite. I hope that it makes sense. It's like some kid coming up to me and always always playing the devil's advocate. In some cases, it's really useful to see the other side of an idea, but constantly constantly constantly leaves me asking -- "But what do you really believe?"
I hope these thoughts are somewhat helpful to you!
Feel free to PM me if you have questions, or just reply to this review.
Good luck and always keep writing!
Hannah
To be honest, I have nothing negative to say. I absolutely love this poem, and I too can relate to whoever the speaker is. Your word choice is absolutely beautiful without sounding pretentious. There are a few lines in here that absolutely blew me away, especially "intoxicated with my madness and / somehow in love with my sadness" and the line about psychopaths. I absolutely love the somewhat disjointed structure; in some poetry it's little more than an annoyance but here it's used very well.
The only thing that I can say is that there are a few rhymes, but no real pattern. This was probably intentional, but it confused my pattern-loving brain. If you don't feel the need to change it, or you just like it the way it is, then that is awesome! But for me, I like structure.
Anyway, I'd love to read more from you. You have a real gift!
I relate a lot to this. Gave you a big ol' like