Theirs

Hey Aley!

So pantoums don't have to rhyme, no? The cliff/stiff line KILLED me <_< but you know how I already feel about rhymes. I preferred some of the more subtler sounds that were playing throughout this, so like, the sort of repetition in: "Can't say I succeeded / ... I was defeated" that I loved. It was well paced, and not only had great rhythm but I really loved the movement and play in that.

One of the other things that stood out to me was the syntax/diction of some of these lines. Like, the most jarring for me was: "tumbling lived me in a hurricane" {?} The verb "live" is intransitive! It does not require an object as, for example, the word kill does. Kill is active, and it requires the object: kill what? You kill something. The verb "make" you make something. The verb live doesn't work like that, so it becomes just this confusion of words.

I am all for playing with syntax, to me, because there's a poetry and play in language and breaking syntax puts emphasis and new perspectives /importance on things we normally do not notice. But another example, "I was tumbled round. Fitting me in" it is so awkwardly passive, and I'm not quite sure what the "fitting me in" refers to in many of these lines, or where the idea came from. Like if someone were to say, I want to jump down a cliff. And you follow that thought with: throwing a ball. What is the connection here?

I can understand feeling when a person doesn't fit in, and thus, throwing himself/herself off a cliff! But this is where the order/syntax and phrasings of "fitting me in" sort of throws off these ideas, because "fitting" to me is a fitting room, or like a 3rd party squeezing someone in something, having them be a part of their schedule. The ideas seem too scattered.

Same thing for "sphere demonstration" I have no idea what that is?

I like the concept and the way that it works with the pantoum, it seems we're supposed to have this feeling of an addled brain, of this tumbling down of sorts, but the effect was painful rather than enjoyable. There were parts and gems of this that I enjoyed, I like the imagery of the hurricane together with the tumbling and the addled mind- those ideas were wonderful and work together really well. I would just suggest revising for clarity. I hope this helps, let me know if you wish to chat this up.

~ as always, Audy

Hey there!

Dreamy here to review. Boy, am I nervous to review this? Hell, yea! >.>

So, the whole purpose of the poem is to repeat certain line and give them a new meaning/beginning? Have I understood it correctly? Well, to have to draw such a complicated pattern, I suppose you should have an equally complicated topic. And "Theirs" was no less.The plus point of the poem is the story which you chose to tell. It was dark and tormenting. Someone taking over your character, puppeteer-ing them. Something close to losing your sanity, which results in repeating the words/line. And Voila, that's the point. An intense desire to jump off the cliff but something is repressing the thought.

I just felt, I mean this poem gave me such a definition but these words,

Some OCD PMS BS

Hi, J.C. here for a review!

At first, I have to say, I was a bit confused, and annoyed, at the style of this poem. It seemed strange and very repetitive. You can understand how it came as a shock when I got to the end and realized you were doing it on purpose and it was actually meant to further along the meaning of the poem.

[qoute]their sphere demonstration
held me as tight as cellophane.
However long my rumination,
tumbling lived me in a hurricane[/qoute]

Your language is definitely not shallow, and is quite cryptic. This is a dangerous area in writing, and especially poetry, because if it is not done well then it will ruin an entire piece. I don't feel that you have done an absolutely amazing job here, but it's surely not a bad poem and there is plenty here to get the mind flowing.

"Held me tight as cellophane." This is perhaps my favorite line, as it seems to be a bit of an oxymoron, which is important to this sort of cryptic style.

Overall, I'm not exactly sure what the message is behind the poem, but it's hard to discern that with so much going on and so much information to glean from the lines. It's almost important to have a sort of Q and A with the writer on this sort of thing. But I enjoyed reading it and thought it was a job well done.

Thank you Aley!

This was a quite a clever poem. I liked how each stanza began with every other line of the previous stanza. It added an alternative type of rhythm that I am not used to seeing, so in that sense, I must congratulate you. Don't we all wish we could learn to fly one of these days? I know I do. What can I say that would help you improve upon this? Some of the lines sounded a little awkward in my mind

"As they attempted tormenting"

I see what you mean, but don't you suppose you could try something like,

"As they attempted to torment"

You see the difference? How the latter of these two sounds a little better? It's up to you really, how you do this. It's your poem and I'm not trying to be your puppeteer when it comes to your writing. Anyhow, great poem. Keep up the good work.