- TWO -
I searched meticulously for Viktor. Every corner, every crevice, was viewed by my golden eyes, which spiraled against strange, dark pupils. Viktor was nowhere to be seen. I looked out the window and there was a forty-nine feet difference from our apartment to the ground. I looked around for Viktor. Every blade of grass was visible.
A hard force pushed me out the window. The wind separated from my body, and my voluminous hair whipped in the hostile wind. After free falling for five minutes, I came to a complete stop. A glitter secreted from my eyes, and a ring of fire surrounded me. An invisible blanket of air kept me secured in the ring of fire, as I floated to the ground.
There was a girl standing in front of the penthouse. She had smooth, brown hair, that was long and wavy. She had peachy lips and pale olive skin. Her pupils were a vibrant red. Red like the blood that stained the polymer fur carpet. I could tell that she wasn't human. But she wasn't a vampire either, for she was still alive.
"So it's Nadiya, am I right?" she asked. Her voice was slow and silky. She looked about my age, sixteen.
"How do you know my name?"
"I'm one of Viktor's friends." she said,"My name is Lena Zgodska."
"How do I get home?And what are you, because you're certainly not a vampire."
"You have to figure it out. You have a long time, because girl, there is no way the Vampire Royal Family will let you go. I've seen your power, they'll want to use it." she said, digging deep into her southern accent.
"How am I going to go home? Where is Viktor?"
"Girl, you ask a lot of questions. Sound american."
" I am, you seem southern, where are we anyway?"
"We are in Russia, obviously." Lena said, swinging her hair.
"Wait, we're in Russia?"
"Follow me."
"I have to go." I urged.
Her eyes flared with a vibrant, neon green, and she had beckoned me over with a finger gesture. A force from inside me, made me follow her. Follow her to unknown places.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Vampirisi (Vampirial II); 1.1Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hey there Cesare!
I love it. I also have to admit, you use a lot of good descriptive words in there as well, which work wonderfully for building images. I can see the building and her power in act as she drifted downwards to meet Lena. Actually, you've left me wonder, what/who pushed her out the window? I think we should get to know. Maybe it was Viktor even? Also, as she is falling, wouldn't she scream or panic at first, seeing as it is a natural instinct and she doesn't yet know the extent of her powers?
I like Nadiya's attitude and I wonder where Lena will be taking her next...
Remember how I said I was going to review this novel? Well here I am! I did read the first chapter, but it had seven brilliant reviews so I decided to hop over to the next one instead. Also, I can't focus on nitpicks, so I am going to focus on the story.
I find it slightly humorous how Nadiya has just been turned into a vampire, and there she is, talking about which part of the world she comes from
You do a brilliant job of describing what Lena looks like among other fingers. But that made me wonder, what does Nadiya look like herself in her new body? Has it changed any since she was human? I am curious to know what changes it has on the outside body... Also, when Lena and Nadiya are talking she casually mentions that Lena isn't a vampire. But my question is, how does she know that? Does she get this feeling that she needs to protect herself, or this itching instinct that just makes her know that she isn't a vampire! We want to know how she could so easily make that assumption.
I am also leaning in to talk about the previous chapter as well now, but I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I combine the two. The thing is, your main character is taking everything with a serious sense of chill. In fact, it's too chill for me. Where is the panic? She just got turned into a vampire! I want to see her thinking of her past life that she can never go back to. I am sure she has family and friends, maybe a hobby she loved, or her life dreams ahead of her that she will never get back anymore. I want to see the people and these images drifting through her mind. Maybe I want to see her cry, or maybe she will be undeniably angry. Either way, I am not sure she would simple get up and shake Viktor's hand. I think there would be a lot more hostility there because he practically took away her life. But then again, she would be hostile but accepting, because without him she has no clue what to do. So maybe find a way to edge in those emotions there and still keep the same dialogue? It would simply mean including more actions and the dialogue tags would have descriptions of tone in there as well this time. Maybe she would ask Viktor why he had chosen her life to ruin specifically?
I would be a bit freaked out and overpowered by the transformation into a vampire too. As humans, we never see every single carpet fibre or all have all the colours bright in our faces. So maybe it should take her a little longer to adjust to her new body and abilities? I can imagine her squinting, stumbling around and getting used to seeing every little detail. Maybe she would need Viktor for support a bit before he has the conversation with her. A possibility would be her coming to her senses and then snatching herself away from Viktor who was supporting her, and thus showing the hostility a bit.
I love that Nadiya has no idea what to do, so she is just rolling with whatever Viktor and Lena says. I guess I would have to do the same if I was suddenly a vampire, because I would hate to be stranded alone. I think there should still be comparisons to her old life though. Include some of her thoughts like, I would never just go to a new country in my old life. Or: I never been to Russia, and now I'm suddenly here! Somehow it isn't generating the same feeling of excitement I was hoping for.
Another thing I am looking forwards to is getting an explanation! How did she end up in Russia? Why did Viktor choose her? Where has he gone? I hope these questions are answered soon, and if not, make sure they do get answered somewhere along the lines! It is important for the reader to know and make sure there aren't any gaps in their knowledge. It all works towards their sense of realism in the chapters.
Now, I know I have given you a lot to think about for these first two chapters! I hope to see the edited and longer full of more information that answers some of those questions. But really, keep up your awesome writing style, and the way your words drip with description just makes me feel so envious
Deanie x
Thanks for the review
Hi, back again!
Nitpicks
1) I think you should change this to: Every corner and every crevice
2) take the comma out after crevice.
3) I love this sentence, as do many other reviewers here. The description of her makes me feel like I know her better.
1) American is capitalized.
2) Take away the space between the quotation marks and I am.
Comments
I love this concluding paragraph! It's got the suspense that makes me keep reading, and it also has that mysterious touch to it, which I love in writing, especially when it's at the end.
I feel this chapter had more detail in it than the first one. It gave us where she was, and introduced a new character.
I think this could really expand more, though. Just, explain things. If that makes sense...
The other thing I would like to see in this is more emotion. So yeah, she meets this person who knows her name... How does she feel about that?
Hope this proves helpful to you!
WillowPaw1~
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
I really like the description of this girl's eyes. But since this is written in first person, I don't think it's an appropriate description. It's hard to describe the main character's eyes and facial expressions when writing in first person POV. Because if you think about it, the main character is the one telling the story. While the story is going on, the character won't be able to see their eyes or their face. How would Nadiya know that her golden eyes were spiraling against dark pupils? She can only describe what she can see and what she feels. She can't see her eyes. Obviously she knows what color they are, but she doesn't know what kind of look they have at any given moment. Understand what I'm saying?
Other than that, you've got another good chapter here. You've done a great job with continuing the story and keeping me interested. Now I'm left wondering where Viktor disappeared to and who this girl Lena is. And I'm curious as to what these powers Nadiya has that makes her so powerful. You've really got me thinking!
One more thing I want to point out, Nadiya doesn't really mention getting pushed out the window after it happens. Don't you think that's something that she would be really intent on figuring out? If I were her, I'd want to know who pushed me and why. I'd probably look back up at the window to see if someone was staring down at me, watching me fall. See what I'm saying? That part is just kind of mentioned and than not revisited.
I can't wait to read the next chapter! These are really short chapters, but they're good chapters!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey Cesare!! Silver here, back to review you chapter two!!
Firstly, this is a better chapter just because more happens in it and also because you've included a bit more information about where we are.
Main Points
Can a voice actually be slow or the tone?
It's nice to see her worrying about this compared to the previous chapter where it didn't seem to be a priority for her.
Shouldn't she be freaking out after seeing this? Is she used to blatant displays of power? Did she grow up amongst vampires? Did she even know that they existed before this? These questions need to be answered in the first couple of chapters so that we can understand her reactions. If the answer to them is yes then all good. If it's no then she is unrealistically calm to the point of being scary.
One of the great things that you do is inserting bits of description here and there rather than in giant chunks. For that I give you a HUGE pat on the back. It just makes it so much more pleasant to read.
What's so obvious about it?
Overall I'm still interested in your story and want to see where you're going with this. You've got a great way with words, especially in narration and description. Keep up the good wok and happy writing!!
Silverlock
Hello again Cesare!
Back for chapter two, so lets go vampire hunting! (Or blood hunting, that might be more appropriate.)
As with your first chapter, you still have issues with periods and commas and here you also have some dialogue problems, but we'll get to that.
I'll just head straight into it:
I like this description, it's a cool feature. Not sure if I have seen that exactly before. However, I'm guessing she got these after she was turned into a vampire, so how would she know her eye color had changed? Does the world now have a golden, dark-ish tint?
Edit
Your senteces are still too short and stubby, too many periods. I'll do an easy example of this line:
Spoiler
Also, if she doesn't know where she is, why does she call it 'our apartment'?
Neat addition, she has great eyesight now. Cool.
No, just no. At forty-nine feet, she would be toast in a matter of seconds, not minutes.
Again, no commas needed. Try saying your sentences out aloud. Only use a comma when you need to pause.
As we move into the dialogue now, you need to write some more descriptive action around their dialogue, or at least indicate who is talking. Towards the end you have noting but dialogue after dialogue, with no descriptions or actions.
Edit
Edit
What does she mean by this?
I swing my hair back and forth, I swing my hair back and forth! (Fresh Princess of Bel Air!
Edit
As I said, just add a bit of something to the dialogue. If not, it gets confusion about who is talking.
Alright, that was chapter two. I can say you write pretty well, though your dialogue and punctuation needs some work. You also have a pretty good vocabulary and whip up some really good words here and there. Good!
I'll be back for chapter three.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Sunshine here to review...
keep on writing! 
Yay another vampire series!!!!! Anything that doesn't have sparkling vampires is awesome. I felt that this was very very short, which is good but I felt that it could of had a little bit more to it. Now for my nitpicks:
"You have to figure it out. You have a long time, because girl, there is no way the Vampire Royal Family will let you go. I seen your power, they'll want to use it."
I seen your power should be I've seen your power. Unless you intentionally have it as I seen your power, then that's fine.
"Girl, you ask a lot of questions. Sound american."
I think that sound American should be rephrased. Maybe "You sound American."?
" I am, you seem southern, where are we anyway?"
I think that maybe you could say "I am, and speaking of which, you sound southern." Or "I am, you sound southern." You need to add a little more meat and variety to your dialogues.
"How do I get home? And what are you, because your certainly not a vampire."
You could say "and what are you? Your certainaly not a vampire."
I'm sorry if I sounded a bit harsh, overall this was a very good piece and I did enjoy reading it.