Young Writers Society

Heya! Again, here for "Adopt a novel" review!

You know so far I don't have any stylish complaints. Well, actually, I don't really have any complaints, I'm just trying to analyze your work(as much as the time would allow me to) and let you see how readers understand your work.

This one basically develops relation with Stephen. They are talking pretty casually (with some sexual connotations, and well, Robert had a pretty gay though there). He eventually goes mad when they openly start talking about if he is gay himself. Thats when the frog started to laugh(in his head, dont get me wrong I understood it xD), and thats when he had gone mad. Well, seems like he remembered the insult that kid he beat up there? Did he actually beat that kid up becouse of himself, not becouse of Stephen? I'm pretty torn about this one now, since he surely has something for Stephen, but his is an giant egoist shit himself.

Well, seems like new character is also being introduced now. Thats good, though I didn't think the story lacked any diversity so far. I'm enjoying this very much until now, I doubt that will change till the end.

-Alchemist

Hey Adam ^^

First thing I noticed while reading this for the first time is that the main character comes off as arrogant and misogynic. He doesn't seem to think very highly of women, as you can tell by the way he talks about his female teachers. He also seems a bit judgemental and your typical teenager with his complaints and curt opinions of everyone. I think I'll like him just fine. ^^

I apologize for not reading the chapters before this, but now I think I will. This looks to be a very well written and fleshed out plot. I'm very surprised Robert is gay, or at least, thinking he is. I didn't expect that. I was also shocked when he brutally attacked the frog. This shows me that he is impulsive and unable to control himself.

One thing I suggest you do is swap every "me and ___" for "___ and I" as it is the proper way when talking about the main character and another character.

Another thing I suggest is you have Robert go to the office. By the way he attacked the frog, any teacher would have immediately sent him to the office, for safety reasons. Mrs. Badgle merely sending him outside doesn't seem realistic. Also, the psychiatrist wouldn't be coming to the classroom to see him. Instead, Robert would have been sent to his office so they have a private and secluded place to chat, and not in front of his peers. I suggest you work on making this feel more realistic.

Other than that, this is pretty good so far. Lots of ranting on Robert's part in the beginning, but it shows us how he feels about school and the people around him. Character development is coming along nicely and this is overall well written. ^^

Hey baby! XD

Sooooo

'I shouldn’t even be here today. Not after waking up at 1:30 in the morning and realising, “yes, you did just a Freudian nightmare from Hell, and wings did just burst out of your back.” At the same time, I feel like I should be in today. It’s not every day that I get to cut into a frog, nor is it every day that I sit next to Stephen.' - Opening paragraph is amazing, because you lead in from the end of the last one; and also; you control Robert's thoughts so that they guide into the present action, whilst cleverly revealing his motive. (About his interest in Stephen)

Brilliant start. -huggle-

'it’s as dry as a soccer mum’s snatch' this line made me laugh, because I can see that Robert is back with his outrageously rude similes and comparisons of the people around him. The humour helps make his character more likeable. So good characterisation here.

'for fucks sake' I am sure there should be an apostrophe here somewhere, to show possession. 'fuck's sake' yes, I think that's it. Ok, nitpick over with.

'He has the sort of arms that I had wished for, and cheeks to die fo- hang on a minute. Oh whatever, nevermind.' Ooh hoo hoo hoo. XD Robert n Stephen 4 eva LOL. Robert seems to be starting to reveal some sort of crush that your narration quickly crushes. Excellent.

'“Well we could know a bit more about each other.” The throat is sliced very delicately...' this is so cleverly done I am in awe. You've got a dramatic pregnant pause that builds tension exquisitely and allows the reader to anticipate what will happen next.

'"I understand the grudge you have for your step-dad, but it’s a bit much calling your step-brother an annoying little shit. No matter who he is, or how he came to be, you cannot turn your back on him based on the circumstance. That would be unfair.” Finally, someone is talking sense to me.' - I like the fact that Stephen challenges Robert in the relationship, but the ending bit of that line where Robert just accepts what he is being told seems a bit out of character. He may see that Stephen has a point, but I still don't think he would agree that readily.


Ok, LOL. And this time, not for the right reason: 'Do you know how expensive these frogs are?!' If you've got some child having some sort of manic fit in your class, I think you would be a bit more concerned about making sure they were ok then protecting a dead frog. -.- I think this line needs changing.

Having said that, the execution of the end of the chapter is brilliant. You follow the action through smoothly and quickly, and the tone that you give to Dr Greenway is perfect: '“So, Mr. Tarquin, Monday 9:00. Be on time. I do not refund or reschedule. Thank you. Oh and, I am not fond of Darren, but lay off the fighting. Have a nice day.”' Every good story needs an antagonist, and yours has plenty.

The heavy sarcasm in the last line is also perfect. I suspect chapter 7 will be an appalling appointment. XD

'Forced smile. How lovely. We’ll get along just fine.'

I love you, Mr Talented.

<3