z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Honeymoon in Mars - Episode5(The Articus Voyage - Part1 - Fantastic Start)

by rikkidas


Its a new day and a new morning.

It was around half past ten in the morning. Jason woke up. Jason was in a bad mood. He was suffering from a mild headache.

Edwards was still asleep. Victor entered the resting chamber.He shook the body of Edwards who was asleep. He managed to get Edwards come out of his sleep.

He greeted both of them a very good morning.

There was no real sunshine inside the Techno-base but just artificial lighting.

Victor: Dear Jason, I am initiating the process to connect Gallian pipe to point 'AGP01'. The set up will be completed in around half an hour of time. In the mean time , why don't both of you have some food for your breakfast at the dinning cafe inside our base.

Edwards immediately rushed to the washroom.

Jason: Victor, give me some time. Please commence the process as I cannot afford any more delays. Oh shit, I drank too much last night. I now realize my foolishness.It was a mere stupidity.

Victor: Do not blame yourself so much. Things will get better soon.

Meanwhile, Edwards came out of washroom.

Victor led both of them to the dinning cafe.

Victor began checking the flow of the Gallian pipe. He chose to deploy a fast elevator system for the trip. In about twenty minutes, the gallian pipe successfully connected to 'AGP01'. He further recieved an acknowledgement from the Articus city point that the setup has completed and passengers could be routed through the pipe.

Victor asked Jason to provide him with the written permit that he acquired from Mr.Stevens.

He entered their names and permit IDs in the system which was received by the Articus gallian base and which confirmed the two passengers to undertake the journey were identified to be Jason and Edwards.

Victor pressed a button to summon the connected elevator system from Articus city.

Victor: I have upload your information to the Articus base. Your permit is verified to be genuine and they will be sending their elevator towards the Techno-Base and then, you are all good to go.

The elevator reached the Techno-Base and was indicated by buzzing of alarms.

Victor: Its time to part,Jason. You need to take a few equipments that may help you in your voyage. First of all you need to wear specially designed hydro-suits that has an oxygen backup for a complete day.It uses compressed oxygen. I have two suits, one for you and one for your friend. You need to have aquatic laser blaster. It can paralyze any underwater creature for a small duration of time. Lastly , my best wishes are with you. Without any more further delay I shall led you to the entrance of the elevator.

Jason burst into tears and told Victor that he was a bit scared.

Victor: Do not worry Jason, I shall personally look into it that you do not face any technical difficulties in your way to Articus.I shall be in touch will the technical staff at the Articus Gallian base.

Jason and Edwards put on the underwater suit and put on their safety helmets.

Victor bade goodbye to both.

So,our heroes start on their most anticipated journey. It was supposed to a short journey of no more than forty to forty five minutes even under worst circumstances. They are set to travel ten miles below to the surface to Arctic ocean.The Gallian elevator displayed miles travelled as they were progressing downwards.

After traveling for around ten minutes, the elevator showed that one and a half miles are already covered, it showed the pressure at this point and displayed temperature around five degrees in celsius scale.

Jason: Its beautiful. From this glass fiber structure, we can have a bird's eye view of the sealife inside the ocean . Its amazing to see such beautiful sea creatures.

Edwards: Wow, I never imagined things would have looked so stunning.Hey look at the digital display we have already travelled three miles in under twenty minutes or so. I think it will take half an hour or so to reach our desired destination.

Meanwhile,the remote control of the prototype Bubblemarine fell from the pocket of Edwards.

Jason: What, you even carried that equipment down here. Its your BubbleCommander device. Are you sure you can summon Bubblemarine in case of any emergency situation.

Edwards: Perhaps, Yes. I think the BubbleCommander device should work. I shall order the Bubblemarine to travel from New york Base to Miami's Techno-Base. In case even if I summon it will tale around five minutes to reach us.

The Bubblemarine can travel at ultrahigh speeds inside water. It covered a distance form New york to Miami in less than fifteen minutes. It sent an acknowledgement to the BubbleCommander device which Edwards was holding in the palm of his hands.

Edwards: Great,Bubblemarine is now in Miami's Techno-Base. I have sent a message to Victor regarding this and he will take care of the machine and its maintainance in our absence. We have been been travelling since half and hour and covered more than six miles.

Suddenly, the amount of light reaching them dimmed and a strange black figure was approaching towards them.

Jason: How all of a sudden the darkness grew many fold in here. What is that strange thing approaching us. I think its a giant squid.

Edwards: Yes,it seems so. Be prepared with your weapons. I think the Bubblemarine might have to be used as a rescuer.

Jason: Victor, we are going to be attacked by a large monsterous squid. Does this pipe have any defance mechanism.

Victor: The pipe's only defance mechanism is electro-shock.

I shall send strong currents through the surface of the pipe. The electro-shock will be more effective under the water.

The squid started attacking the pipe ruthlessly with its tentacles. Jason screamed for help.

Victor send down strong currents throughout the surface of the pipe which actually had very little effect on the giant squid. Jason and Edwards started using their oxygen backups now which they connected to their helmets. The squid almost damaged a part of the pipe structure. The electro-shock seems to have no or little effect on the squid.

A hole was created in the Gallian pipe following which water started to flow in. Edwards summoned the BubbleMarine for their rescue.Victor was informed of the situation. He immediately de-attached the Gallian pipe.The Articus base also released the hold of the pipe.

Edwards and Jason started firing at the squid with their laser blasters but all hopes in vain. With very little to do , both eagerly waited for the BubbleMarine to arrive so that they can combat the squid with its defense arsenal.

Will our heroes survive. Lets see in the next episode.

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212 Reviews

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Sun Jan 26, 2014 2:24 am
birk wrote a review...



Hey Rikki!

Lets continue with chapter five!

Alright now, I'm going to quote a certain meme here; Son, I am disappoint.

Your last chapter was a lot better written, mainly due to the fact that you wrote dialogue in a normal way. Now you are back to using this script style when you have already made it clear that this is no script or stage story.

Okay, I'll just head into what happens to our seafarers this time:

As with the other chapters, I won't cover everything, as there are recurring errors.

It was around half past ten in the morning. Jason woke up. Jason was in a bad mood. He was suffering from a mild headache.
Is a narrator just telling me the cliffnotes on what is happening? You again use short choppy sentences that has little to no content.

Edwards was still asleep. Victor entered the resting chamber.He shook the body of Edwards who was asleep. He managed to get Edwards come out of his sleep.
Same deal here. However, didn't Jason get completely smashed last night? Why is Edwards so hard to wake up?

Victor: Dear Jason,

Okay, why does he open sentences with 'Dear Jason'? Is he writing him a letter? Very unnatural here.

Edit
for your breakfast at the dining cafe inside our base.


Meanwhile, Edwards came out of washroom.

Did he rush to go get his toothbrush or something? He leaves and immidiately comes back again after Jason and Victor only say a couple of lines.

the journey were identified to be Jason and Edwards.

Yeah, got any last names for these guys? Any random persons named Jason and Edwards could waltz in.

As before, in several places you forget a space after ending a sentence and starting a new one, as well as after commas.

Edit
You need to have an aquatic laser blaster.


Edit
Without any more further delay I shall lead you to the entrance of the elevator.


Edit
Jason burst into tears and told Victor that he was a bit scared.
Oh god. Remove this entire line. It is terrible. Very funny and hilarious, but still incredibly bad.

Edit
Victor bid goodbye to both.


So,our heroes start on their most anticipated journey.

Don't narrate like this. Just write the story. You also end some chapters like this.

Edit
Hey, look at the digital display; we have already travelled three miles in under twenty minutes or so.


In case even if I summon it will tale around five minutes to reach us.

You never really explained too exactly what this thing was. And the fact that it can catch up to this elevator and in such a short time is unbelievable.

Suddenly, the amount of light reaching them dimmed and a strange black figure was approaching towards them.
You didn't really describe any tunnel, and even if you did, how would a giant squid get into it? So in case there is no tunnel, there wouldn't be any natural light so far down in the depths. The elevator itself would need lights. Which the squid couldn't block.

Also, giant squid? Awesome!

Jason: Victor, we are going to be attacked by a large monsterous squid.

Write that he contacts Victor through the communicator.

Victor: The pipe's only defance mechanism is electro-shock.

This seems like a bad idea. But I don't know this technology, so I shouldn't debate.

Well, that was Chapter five, part one. I gotta say, its a step backwards from where you were. But I was introduced to this series through your last chapter which was vastly superior to what you have written so far, so I know you get better again.

Keep it up!

Cheers
Birkhoff




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Thu Dec 12, 2013 3:31 am
Archer wrote a review...



I like very much the general idea of this story: a science-fiction epic set underwater. I also like how the story progresses, and while there are some pacing problems, it seems to proceed reasonably well.

But there are two big issues that I think you need to sort out. One has to do with your descriptions and the other has to do with the setting.

Regarding descriptions, take this paragraph:

Edwards was still asleep. Victor entered the resting chamber.He shook the body of Edwards who was asleep. He managed to get Edwards come out of his sleep.


At the moment, this reads more like a script than a story. There's no detail given and events simply move from one to the next with no transition in between. Sometimes you even repeat the same thing twice (we are told Edwards is asleep three times alone in this paragraph). What you want to do is add in small details that give life to what you writing. For example, you might rewrite the above as:

Edwards was still asleep when Victor entered the resting chamber. Sighing heavily, Victor began to shake Edwards. "Come on," he said, "You should've been ready by now." Edwards opened his eyes slowly.

On setting, I was confused as to where all this was taking place, and I was particularly confused with the elevator. Does it start at the surface and then go below water, or does it start much higher up? You need to spend more time describing it, especially since it's such a cool piece of technology.

Overall, I think you have the elements of a really interesting story, but what you need to do now is add details to it.




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Sun Dec 08, 2013 12:20 am
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megsug wrote a review...



Hey Rikki~
This is the first chapter of yours that I've read, so if I say something doesn't make sense, when you're sure it does, blame it on that fact. Other than that, I'll jump in!

The dreaded nitpicks~

It's a new day and a new morning.

Its time to part, space Jason.

First of all you need to wear specially designed hydro-suits that has an oxygen backup for a complete day.spaceIt uses compressed oxygen.

You have a lot of spaces missing or added where they're not supposed to be. A good proofread should get rid of all of those.
Are you sure you can summon Bubblemarine in case of any emergency situation.?

In case even if I summon it will talke around five minutes to reach us.

It covered a distance forrom New yYork to Miami in less than fifteen minutes.

Jason: Victor, we are going to be attacked by a large monsterous squid. Does this pipe have any defaence mechanism.


So... I skimmed through your other chapters, and it seems the other reviewers seem to think you need to define what form you're writing in. That's for the reviewer. It's hard to review something when you're not sure if it's a script or a short story with a funky twist. I'm pretty sure this is a script.

I've covered most of the small things, but there were a few glaring things that caught my eye. You're dialogue needs tremendous work. Most of the time the voices sound like robots. The way to recognize this is to read the conversations out to yourself. Here's an example:
Jason: How all of a sudden the darkness grew many fold in here. What is that strange thing approaching us. I think its a giant squid.

Edwards: Yes,it seems so. Be prepared with your weapons. I think the Bubblemarine might have to be used as a rescuer.

Jason: Victor, we are going to be attacked by a large monsterous squid. Does this pipe have any defance mechanism.

Victor: The pipe's only defance mechanism is electro-shock.

I mean... It sounds like they're talking about the weather. They should be freaking out, and they're voicing just doesn't sound like it.
Instead of "Victor, we are going to be attacked by a large monsterous squid." Try, "Oh God, it's getting closer. What can this thing do?"
I mean, at least use some contractions. Right now because you say things like: "we are" and "What is" instead of "we're" and "what's" your dialogue sounds so unnatural. No one actually talks like that.

My last big problem: Your sentences get really choppy. Like so: "It was around half past ten in the morning. Jason woke up. Jason was in a bad mood. He was suffering from a mild headache."
Maybe try: "Jason woke up at around half past ten in the morning. He was already in a bad mood and suffering from a mild headache."
It flows much better. That way there's not so much repetition. This is a problem through this chapter.

Your technology is pretty cool though, I have to say. I'd just like to know a little more about it. Maybe try to explain it a little more. Because I want to know all about it.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to PM me, post on my wall, or hit me up on chat. If you're ever in need of a review, come fetch me.
Megs~




rikkidas says...


Thanx dear reviewer.




You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling