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by Morticiansdaughter19


Drag me to hell, where the flames stand tall.
Where limbo is merely a county jail,
And Purgatory; a playground.
The gates swing open,
Instantaneously heat burns the flesh,
from your bones.
Shrieks, screams, and cries,
Melt the brain behind your eyes.
Those who have sinned,
suffocating in the ashy air,
As an endless sea of black,
engulfs all chances to escape.
Pitch forks and horns,
Sins and mistakes.
This is Hell.
Made of Coal and soot,
Where Satan's secrets lie,
right between the roots.
Drag me down,
Make me swallow the pain.
Welcome to the sanctuary,
Of the mentally insane.




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193 Reviews

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Sun Oct 27, 2013 9:08 pm
Niraco wrote a review...



I rather enjoyed this poem despite the fact that it wasn't very original.

My favourite lines would have to be:

Made of Coal and soot,
Where Satan's secrets lie,
right between the roots.


I felt that this was rather powerful if not a little clichéd. Like many have said before me the rhyming scheme was rather confusion. Was there supposed to be one? If there was I certainly couldn't see it.

All in all I felt that this poem lacked any real emotion and felt really generic, saying that I did enjoy it as poems like this do have a soft spot within me. Good job and keep on writing!






Thanks! It wasn't suppose to have a specific rhyming scheme just random spots here and there.



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Sat Oct 12, 2013 11:42 pm
KnightTeen wrote a review...



Hey, Knight Teen of the Green Room Knights here to provide her with a review.

I thought that this was very good. Pretty stereotypical in it's concept, but a pleasure to read nonetheless.

It almost seems like you are talking about an insane asylum. I don't know if that was your intention, but that was the vibe I got from it.

I thought that the rhyme scheme you used was good, but it is a little weird that you didn't keep it consistent.

A thing that you can think about is breaking this up into stanzas, but if you don't want to do it then that's fine. Your work, your call. I'm just here to make suggestions.

KT






Thanks for the review KT, it wasnt my intention to make it seem like an insane asylum but a few people think thats what im talking about. for the most part i wasnt trying to go above and beyond to create a new image of hell, i was just sticking to the tradition look or imagery of hell. Later i might do a poem about my own version of hell, i might tweek this one a bit also. Thank you again i appreciate your review! :)



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Sat Oct 05, 2013 5:51 am
DreamWork says...



I like the diction,but I need to agree with N'owl here.You doing a great job!Just keep the rhythm up here^^




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Sat Oct 05, 2013 4:38 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Morticiansdaughter! Nite here to review.

I'll start off by saying I like the imagery here. It's pretty common Hell imagery, but it comes together quite nicely.

Now, I do have critiques about the poems structure.

1) Rhyme scheme: Is there supposed to be one? It's really strong in the end but nonexistent in the beginning. Being consistent will help create the rhythm you want. Personally I think free verse is easier to work with, but it's up to you.

2) Excessive punctuation: There's a lot of commas, and semi-colons; where they don't, need to be. As my previous sentence shows, this creates an awkward, choppy reading experience. I generally stick with commas only where I would need them grammatically. There's no need to have a punctuation mark at the end of every line.

3) The ending threw me a bit. Is this supposed to be describing a real place, or the supernatural Hell? If it is supposed to be a real place, I might consider intermixing that description with the hellish imagery (e.g. a hospital could have screams of other patients, nurses with evil grins, pills burning the throat, etc.). As an aside, hell (the supernatural place) is not meant solely for the insane.

Where Satan's secrets lye,


This should be lie. Lye is a caustic chemical.

Overall, there's some decent images, but the structure was odd. Keep writing! :)





“All stories are true," Skarpi said. "But this one really happened, if that's what you mean.”
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind