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Untitled: Chapter 4

by Gravity

A/N: If there's a weird review that doesn't really match the piece, it's because I unpublished this and then recycled it to get it out of my drafts folder...

Really wish Nate would make a way for us to delete our drafts.

She moved in on August 8. I remember that day like it was yesterday. She wasn't even next door, she was down the street. But I could hear the moving trucks and the other neighbors rushing to welcome her. I was 26.

I remember her walking down my part of the street, her blue converses striding confidently on the pavement, the sunshine bringing out copper highlights in her wavy chestnut brown hair. Her brown eyes sparkled in the bright light, drawing my attention away from the pimples that scarred her face. She was probably about 11 or 12. But she was beautiful.

I also remember the second time I saw her, walking with a girl who had chin length blonde hair. The other girl was short and stocky. 

"Lily," she said, her voice drifting through the window. Lily, the girl with the beautiful hair looked up.

"What's up?" She rubbed her arms, the coming night air had caused a small drop in temperature.

"We really shouldn't walk by here." The blonde stopped her, pulling her to the other side of the street.

Lily stayed rooted in place. "Why not?" She asked, her brow furrowing.

"The guy who lives there is a sex offender." 

"What'd he do?" Lily asked, still not moving.

"Who knows. But we shouldn't walk by there."

"Heather," she said, "People get on the sex offender registry for all sorts of reasons. Besides, what's he gonna do? Run across the yard and grab me while you're right there?" Heather just rolled her eyes and crossed the street, joining Lily again after they had passed my house. And I was in awe. She wasn't afraid. 

After that day, I saw her walk past my house hundreds of times for a few years. Her hair was always the same length, her eyes always brown and her face always covered in acne. But she grew into herself, her only slightly thick legs growing more and more feminine. Her curves became more prominent and she began to dress in ways that complimented her figure better. I could tell as I noticed things I'd never noticed before, the feminine curve of her hips, the way her collarbone jutted out at just the right angle. She changed, but she also stayed the same. She never crossed the street in front of my house.

And she was right. I really hadn't done anything to get on the sex offender registry. I was on a road trip and had to go, so I used the side of the road when there was no traffic. Well, no traffic but the cop car.

There was one night she was walking past my house, toting a garment bag and a very large purse. She was on the phone.

"Yes, Heather, I'll be right there. Yeah we'll get ready and then walk to my place and leave. Sound good?" And she rushed, knocking on the door that presumably belonged to Heather. She was about 16 then. Probably getting ready for prom.

Whatever she was getting ready for, she emerged looking beautiful. Her gorgeous hair was shiny and sleek, but still held it's shape. her dress was a bright blue, sticking out in the night air. It fell to her feet and billowed behind her as she walked, her white high heels clacking on the pavement. She had a matching flower in her hair, the perfect touch. Heather, however, was an eyesore in her too tight red dress.

But the next day, she was distraught. Her phone was by her ear and she was crying. Tears streaking down her face.

"Heather he doesn't... he said he didn't like me." She paused, "No no, I made a fool out of myself in front of the whole student body. You're not home right now?" She stopped in her tracks, a few hundred feet from my house. "Whatever, I'm running." And she did just that, her hair flying behind her. She looked like she was flying.

Until she fell. 

She'd tripped over a piece of sidewalk that was pushed up, just big enough for someone to smack their toe against it. I knew this crack well. I didn't go out often but when I did, that crack was always there, mocking me.

She laid there on the pavement, clutching her leg and avoiding the long gash that extended from her knee to her shin. I waited to see what she would do. She stood hesitantly before falling to the ground again. Her already glistening face was streaked with fresh tears and I felt a pang in my body for her pain. I wanted, ached, to help her. But I was so scared to leave the confines of my house. Scared that she would be afraid of me.

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1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Sat Mar 07, 2015 8:51 pm
Kale wrote a review...

Hello again! I'm back for another chapter, and hopefully I'll be freeing all the chapters you have posted from the dread clutches of lacking reviews.

First things first, this was really short. The previous chapter was quite a bit longer, and (I forgot to mention it in the previous review) could have been broken up into smaller chunks to make reading and reviewing it a little easier, especially since there was a scene break in it.

Shortness aside, I'm left wondering how this chapter relates to the previous one, or the rest of the story. It's completely different in tone to the previous chapter, and I don't see any mention of anything related to anything in the previous chapter. There's no mentions of characters from the previous chapter, the setting appears to be completely different, and I don't even know who the narrator is in this chapter.

If you're going to have multiple viewpoints, it's helpful for your readers if you give us clear cues that the viewpoint has changed. If you're alternating between viewpoints between chapters, having a heading with the viewpoint character's name is a common way to make it clear who is telling the story so that your readers don't get confused.

Right now, the sudden switch is very confusing, and that was the main issue I had with this chapter.

Gravity says...

I posted this because it was taking up drafts in my folder. The Untitled novel doesn't exist anymore. I didn't think it would end up in the greenroom.

Kale says...

You might want to make that clearer by changing the title.

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Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Fri Mar 06, 2015 7:42 pm
dcha says...

I really enjoy this chapter, considering I haven't read any other previous ones. It was very easy for me to understand what was going on. I didn't have any background on who the characters were, or how they got to where they were in the writing, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

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1007 Reviews

Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Sat Nov 08, 2014 4:45 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...

Timmy here!

I think I will try to write this review as I did the other one, because pointing out grammar and punctuation mistakes, few as they are, will not help you with NaNo or with this book. You are writing too fast to notice the few mistakes you have - and it's difficult for me to see them, too. This is written really well. Probably some of your best writing, in fact, even though you're writing so fast.

I thought the blow-up with Cora was... normal, I suppose. I am not sure if my initial impression of her really fits with what she did, but a surprise is sometimes a good thing. One thing I went kinda "Whaaa?" on was the entire thing with this Timothy feller. Um, why would it matter that much to her if Wyatt was talking to him? I mean, it wasn't as if Cora was even over there during the day trying to talk to her. Wyatt talked to her a little bit during the day (I think I remember that), but once the school day really got into swing, she seemed to somewhat disappear and didn't really come out and try to say hello. I think her blow-up would be more understandable if, like, she came up to Wyatt right before Timothy showed up and kind of was walking up to her in the hall and then Timothy showed up and Wyatt went away with him while Cora was still walking up to her. Something like that. So the reader can see her frustration and the reason for it more than just hear about it. Because when I read through this, I could see the reason for her anger, but more so just through her words and not as much through the preceding moments of the day. Wyatt didn't really ignore her. Timothy came up and asked her if she wanted to eat lunch with him... so that was where she went. Cora could have come and done the same.

To be honest, when I read Wyatt's Aunt reply... I went Meh. Not good enough for me. When I read it, I got the feeling of uncaring and just fumbling for a good reason, or at least one that Wyatt would consider good enough. I mean, "not knowing enough to care for a teenager". That is probably one of the wimpiest excuses I have seen. Not critiquing your writing here. It's wonderful. I am just giving you my impression of how I see the Aunt. I think she is a nice person and everything... but I don't think she really wants to deal with Wyatt. And I am not entirely sure why.

“Okay. Bye Wyatt.” I said goodbye and hung up the phone.

This is another instance where you have confusing dialogue. When you say, Bye Wyatt, I just assumed that it was the Aunt speaking... and then you have it where you are saying goodbye... and I am just left confused. Now I know who said it, because it was the Aunt saying "Bye Wyatt" and all, but having a speech from a different person and then thought or action from a different character. Well, it just really confuses the reader. So I think in all cases, you should have at least an "Aunt Rose said" or something similar to establish in your reader's minds that this is her aunt speaking - not Wyatt. I hope that makes sense. I have a tendency to ramble and not make much sense at all. :)

I know where you live

I think you should italicize his text so that it is set apart from the piece more. I understood what it was - that it was the text - but it took me a moment and slowed the read of the piece down for me. I like how this guy Timothy seems to calm everything down and just loosen the situation. Always.

Well built, light hair and eyes that would make any girl melt.

I think you should expand a bit on this description. Seems a bit too... broad. I mean, "well-built" means something different to every person. To me, it means solid muscled and broad shoulders... that sort of thing. And I know it probably means something different to you. You did a brilliant job describing Cora, especially how she acts. I think you can really make this Timothy come alive. :)

There isn't much more to say. I love this chapter, how you wrote it, what you put inside it. I really think you're getting the voice of the character down pat, too. At first, in the initial chapter, I couldn't pinpoint a certain "voice" to the character, that distinct part of her that I could really just pull out. Now, I can really see it. The character is amazing, realistic and loveable. All of the characters are. And I really love the fact that while you are pushing past the sadness and not just keeping us in there, you continue to remind us of the fact that she is still sad and dejected in this world she lives in. But, I can now really see hope for happiness on the horizon. You are really building up a powerful novel that I think should be a popular story. We just need to get it out there, and help people see it. :D

Keep chugging along! You're ahead of me in words. D: You're doing awesome. <3
~Darth Timmyjake

Gravity says...

Omg am I seriously ahead of you? YAY! (No offense)

timmyjake says...

hee-hee I think you are, by about a thousand words.

I really need to write. :P

I exist as I am, that is enough
— Walt Whitman