Hello there, Buzz here to review!
Well I liked your title, it was intriguing and I also liked the general concept of your poem, it was interesting and simple so well done on that.
There is always room for improvement so I have some suggestions to address to you.
Firstly, your grammar and punctuation is good overall though, i'm not sure if it's intentional or not but at most points in your poem you begin with a capital letter when you're still talking about the same sentence so that may read a bit confusingly.
I also think your rhyme scheme worked at times but other times it felt very forced, which took away from how good the poem could have potentially been at those points.
Your line lengths are very awkward because they're inconsistent, five lines in stanza one, nine lines in stanza two, three lines and one final one in stanza three, which ruins the flow and creates inconsistent syllables.
"The stars twinkle and shimmer,
For hours in the night.
They dance and they glimmer,
And help my dreams take flight."
I liked this stanza most of all because here, the rhyme scheme worked because they rhymed accordingly to what the topic of this stanza was describing. You also used great imagery.
"The sky is the paper.
The stars are the paint.
The night is the canvas.
And God is the painter.
I begin to feel wistful,
For the sun is tainting
My view of the night sky,
And the wonderful feeling
When I feel like I can fly."
Here, the rhyme scheme began to fall apart a bit. Also, the ending of "paint" and "painter", is a bit too similar so it feels a bit off to add them in.
"So I must say goodbye
To the lovely night sky
Because the morning
Is upon me again."
Here, I was expecting a more spectacular ending, it was a bit bland. I'd have liked to see you elaborate more about the longing to see the night sky again, what you'll miss or even describe the morning you'll see.
Overall good poem, I hope I was of help to you and keep writing!
-Buzz
Points: 9869
Reviews: 116
Donate