If the World Could Only Love Me Prologue/Chapter 1 Part 1

Prologue

Danye Williams is sitting with her friends in the school cafeteria of Abraham Lincoln High School. There are several things happening in the cafeteria that she isn't aware of. The first, is that a boy named Luke Adams is glancing from her to Valerie Malinski every few minutes. The second, is that Valerie is watching her as she looks at another girl.

So Danye, or Dani, as she is known, continues to eat a chocolate cupcake bought from the cafeteria line. She eats nothing else. She sits with her friends, and tries to laugh after one of them makes a joke. While the joke is funny, Dani is too unhappy to genuinely laugh. She can't even remember the last time her red lips formed a real smile.

After Dani finishes her cupcake, she stands up. She tells her friends she is going to the bathroom. None of them think this is odd. Dani always uses the bathroom after she eats. It's a routine. She gets up and discreetly uses her chair to steady her, she feels a little dizzy.

As Dani walks out of the cafeteria, her brown ponytail swishing behind her, she doesn't notice that Valerie Malinski follows her, phone in hand. She also doesn't know that Valerie is always watching, even when she pukes up the solitary cupcake she ate for lunch.

Chapter 1

My stomach drops as my phone vibrates. Is it another text from her? Is she going to make me want to kill myself again? I check the number on the text. It is. She never gives up.

Hey fat lard, did you enjoy the cupcake you ate at lunch today?

Her name is Valerie, and she is relentless. She is right. I did eat a cupcake at lunch. I puked it up after I was done eating. Cupcakes don't taste as good the second time, I promise. I walk into my bathroom and take my shirt off. My ribs show through my skin.

Not thin enough.

I will never be thin enough. My nickname will always be fat lard, and I will never be pretty. I apply makeup to my face. Foundation, powder, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara. With each new makeup product I feel as if I am just adding another layer to my mask. No matter how much concealer I put around my eyes, I can't disguise the swollen rims on my skin, or the dark circles that came from a lack of sleep. I've gotten used to them.

I hear a noise downstairs. It's my mother, she's just gotten home from work.

"Danye! I'm home. Will you come downstairs and help me with the groceries, please?" I say a few choice curse words under my breath.

"Hold on Mom!" I call back. "Let me finish picking up my bathroom." I know she won't complain to this. As long as I'm cleaning or doing some chore, she won't get upset.

I hurriedly put on an extra bra. Since I've been losing weight, my bra size has gone down. I had to tap into my savings to get new bras. My breasts look big enough, and I am satisfied. I hunt around for a few tank tops. I slip two of them on, and I put on my favorite sweater over that. I look thinner than I was before I began to lose weight, but my ribs aren't visible. I slip off my jeans. My legs are thin, almost too thin. So I put on some leggings and pull my jeans back on. My head almost seems too big for my body, so I let down my hair. I look good. I am satisfied.

I run down the stairs and my Mom gives me a once over. "Your makeup looks nice, honey." She says. I smile at her and help her put away food. My stomach rolls. My Mom thinks I will actually eat this. It will just end up going in the trash somewhere. What a waste.

My phone buzzes again. I check the number. It's Valerie. My Mom looks at me questioningly. I plaster a smile on my face and tell her it's a friend from school. I can see in her eyes that she doesn't quite believe me, but she desperately wants to. So she goes along with it.

"That's good, Danye. I'm glad you're making friends." I roll my eyes. I hate it when she calls me Danye.

"Mom, for pete's sake. Call me Dani. It's just easier that way." She smirks and I can tell that she has been put at ease. My fib from earlier will pass unnoticed. I check the text Valerie sent me.

Dani, you really seem to love lady parts. Almost as much as guy parts... I saw you looking. It would be a shame if someone were to tell your mother, now wouldn't it?

I gasp loudly. When my mom looks up, I make up some excuse about my "friend" getting asked out. She smiles and goes back to whatever she's doing. I don't really pay attention. I swallow. She's right. I had been looking at the girl I like in school. What's it to her that I'm bi? It's not like I flaunt it. If anything, I try to hide it. No one, not even my mother knows. If she found out... I don't want to even think about what would happen if she found out.

I walk back up to the stairs. My legs shake, and I have to grip the railing to stay upright. I don't know how much longer I can keep up the charade. As I trudge into my bedroom, I cross my arms as if I need to hold myself together. I don't know why I do this. Maybe it's because I understand that I actually am falling apart.