If the World Could Only Love Me Chapter 2 Part 1

We watch a movie and after it is over, it’s almost midnight. Neither of us are tired, so we decide to talk. Kat tells me about the cute boy in her math class. I tell Kat that I badly want to beat Valerie up. Then Kat asks me a question.

“Why does Val hate you so much?” She asks me. I groan. I hate it when Kat calls Valerie Val. As if she’s a normal human being that deserves an affectionate nickname. The only nicknames Val ever gave me were slut, bitch, whore, lesbo, and shit face. You get the idea. The question Kat asks me brings back a memory.

I was sitting on Valerie’s couch, it was the summer before eighth grade. We were best friends. I remember we were making bracelets and necklaces for each other using a beading kit she had gotten for her birthday. Valerie and I used to do everything together. Her Mom was never around, her Dad was dead. Valerie was rich, her Dad had given all of his life savings and property to her Mom in his will, but her Mom still worked her job to bring in a steady income. Valerie’s Dad used to hit her and verbally abuse her. She was happiest after her Dad died, and high school started. Valerie’s Mom hadn’t been home, so she invited a couple of our friends and some boys that went to our middle school to her house. We quickly put away the beading kit when the doorbell rang.

The first boy a the door had been a boy named Luke. Luke Adams was really popular, and Valerie had the biggest crush on him. After everyone got to the house; there were seven people total. Four girls and three boys. We had all sat in a circle playing one of the versions of spin the bottle. It was Luke’s turn. The bottle landed on me. So he kissed me. The kiss lingered a lot longer than it had to, and I remember Valerie’s face turned red with anger and her hands clenched into fists.

Before everybody left, Luke “asked me out” and told me that I was the prettiest girl in the room. After I turned him down, he was nice about it. Valerie had braces and acne, she wasn’t very pretty then. So naturally, rumors circulated during the summer and when school started that I was prettier than Valerie, and Luke Adams asked me out. Ever since then, Valerie has had a grudge against me.

I never thought I was all that pretty. Ever since that night, Valerie has wanted to humiliate me and embarrass me. I don’t know if that night was the only trigger for the way she acted, or if there was something else going on, but we were never friends again.

I snap out of my flashback and turn to Kat. She’s looking at me with an odd expression on her face. I tell her that I’m tired, and I have no idea why Valerie hates me. I hate lying to Kat. I know she doesn’t believe me, and she looks hurt. Guilt forms at the pit of my stomach and I wish she would stop looking at me like a kicked puppy. Suddenly, the expression on her face transforms into the fakest smile I’ve ever seen in my life.

“Okay then. Let’s go get ready for bed. Do you need to shower?” She says. I nod my head.

“And you probably forgot your shower stuff.” She turns off the TV. “I’ll get you a razor so you can shave. I know how much you had skipping a day.” She goes into the bathroom connected to her room and she pulls stuff out.

“Thanks.” I say. I tentatively step into Kat’s bathroom. I’ve always used the other bathrooms in the house, and I don’t think I have ever showered here. I shut the door behind me and take a deep breath. I pull off my shirt. Next, I yank off the two tank tops and there is only my bra. Kat was right, my ribs are very prominent through my skin. I didn’t think they were that bad before. I suck in and lift my arms toward the ceiling. Now it’s even worse. I put my hands down and feel the outline of my bone against the skin. I don’t know why my bones fascinate me. I think it’s because Valerie and her band of idiots stripped away everything I wanted, leaving behind only a thin layer of skin to cover the bone. Or maybe it’s because I alone am stripping away my will to survive, and the damage of what I have done to myself is enthralling to my sick mind.

I jolt myself out of my thoughts and turn on the shower. I turn the heat up until the water is steaming. I finish undressing, and I pull open the shower door. I love showers like Kat’s. The shower is like a mini room, surrounded by porcelain with a see through glass door. I love tight spaces. The hot water feels good on my skin and it leaves angry red blotches on my skin. Good. I need a little color. Once I wash my hair and shave, I feel brand much better. While my ribs show through my skin, my only thought is I need to be skinny, more skinny. I need to get thinner and thinner until I collapse in on myself like a black hole. Maybe I’ll become a superhero. Turn me sideways, and I’m invisible. I laugh to myself before I begin to cry.

Wow, I’m so messed up that I’m laughing about it. Am I going insane? Is it okay to be this thin? Why will nobody accept me for who I am? Why can’t the world love me?

As I focus on all of these questions, my thoughts focus on the last one. The question at the root of everything. Why can’t the world love me? Maybe I would have friends, a life. Maybe I would have people besides Kat who actually care about me. Maybe I would have all of these things If people could show me the same mercy Kat did. If the world had only loved me, I wouldn’t be like this.

I step out of the shower and almost chuckle to myself. If the world had only loved me. “If” this. “If” that. Well here’s another “if”. Maybe if I were good enough for those people, for Valerie, for my parents, the world really would love me.

I slowly sink to my knees until I can feel the cold tile beneath my bare skin. I don’t notice the chill that permeates through my thin layer of skin to my bones, I only notice the tears streaming down my face one after the other until I’m just sobbing. I’ve done so much crying today. Then I think that this isn’t even crying, this is raw pain. This pain is like an animal, vicious and unforgiving. Kat bursts into the bathroom as if she were just waiting for me to fall apart. She is hugging me. A white towel is wrapped around my frail body but I don’t remember how it got there. Just as suddenly as my sobs began, they stopped. I felt a stinging on my left leg. I lift my leg and stare at it. Kat’s gaze follows mine.

I have a giant gash on my leg from the razor that I had not noticed. The gash is as long as my little finger and is dripping blood. Blood smudges and stains the perfect white tile in Kat’s bedroom. I don’t remember this cut. The cut wasn’t very special. It just drew me out of my misery. Sometimes you need a little pain to draw you out of the misery.

Kat gets me a bandaid and she wipes my blood from the floor. After she does this, she silently hands me my clothes. I forgot that I am still naked. My towel basically covers me, but it still shows more skin than I realized. I find myself blushing after Kat turns her back.

I pull my clothes on and brush my hair and my teeth. The red blotches from the shower’s hot water have fade leaving nothing but a pale, sickly color behind. I laugh without humor as I remember two summers ago how determined I was to tan. Looks like that just went out the window. I’m almost exhausted, and I’m ready for bed. So I gather my stuff from the bathroom and prepare to leave.

When I walk into Kat’s room a little bit later, she is fast asleep. By now, it’s almost 2 am. Kat is sprawled across her neatly made bed, her mouth hanging open as she snores softly. I smile a little to myself before pulling a throw blanket over her. I see that Kat put on her pajamas when I was in the shower, so I don’t need to wake her up. Not wanting to disturb her, I grab a small pillow from her bed, and another blanket from her closet. The carpet is soft and squishy, so when I curl up to go to sleep, I’m comfortable. My last waking thought is a silent “thank you” to Kat for taking care of me. After that, I quickly drift off to sleep.

End of Chapter 2 Part 1