a/n: reason made me write cins and this is my half of our playtime.
1.
I'm not
quite awake yet.
But my pillow is cold
and I have pulled the curtains back
to see.
2.
Like me,
she elevates
the color green, and she
swims in ivy, sinks in raw wheat
and waits.
Years pass.
Fingertips pass.
I am left holding
air and water, always things that pass.
Whiplash.
3.
I broke
the glass that keeps
the field from coming in.
There is red dust on every arc
and dip.
My life
is smeared across
small places: hand mirrors,
thimble heads, fingernails, clock feet.
Awash.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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137,699 Literary Works • 672,062 Reviews
LOVE IT!
Nice poem, I like the strange sort of ethereal tone and language and the use of enjambment and stanza is quite well done. Your last stanza was rather beautiful, although some are rather questionable. At times I feel like your using words or writing certain things just because they fit with the pattern not because they add something to the poem.
Years pass.
Fingertips pass.
I am left holding
air and water, always things that pass.
Whiplash.
This stanza is my least favorite. The repetition of pass three times in a short stanza is just too much, it just sounds a bit muddy and detracts from the meaning of the word. I also don't see how the word 'whiplash' is relevant. The word 'Awash' in the last stanza leaves me with a great tingly feeling and adds to the poem - I just feel that 'whiplash' does not.
Anyhow this was honestly a great poem, there isn't much else I can say.
Hello, this is RedApril29th here to review your poem "In Debt"!
I'm not an expect on poems, so I have no idea what 'stanzas' and all that are but I just want to say this poem is amazing. It doesn't quite make sense to me, and maybe you do have to do some digging as dragonfphoenix says but I don't have the mind for that! I think if you made it a little more forward, it would be so much better.
Other then that, I love it.
As you continue reading poetry, I hope you let your own stories flow into the words and connect you that way! There isn't always a way that a poem "makes sense" for certain, but often poems speak more to emotion than specific events.
Thank you for your review!
Knight Dragon, here to review!
I liked the structure of the poem, and it took a little digging to find the connection between all three segments. But what didn't make sense to me was that in such a structured poem, why did you break the pattern? You have one stanza in the first segment, two in the second, but then two in the third. I was expecting three stanzas in the last one, one between the first and the last to transition to your application/summation.
Hope this helps!
Hmm. I just separated the stanzas into what I saw as different moments of time. At first they were all in a sequence without any further separation, but I felt they needed to be broken up according to time, not number. Hmmm.
Hi Hannah!So here is Dark to give review on your poem.
Actually I quite doubt with the theme of this poem.Could it about your life experience with the tragedy?
But I just love the use of diction and metaphors in your poem here.
Metaphor elements have managed to give effect to the reader here.It seems that your poem made me look even further so that I can understand its meaning without strayed from the real meanings of your poem.
You actually have a good poem rhyme here and it is orderly to make it more interesting to read.I wonder if it has an element of mystery in your poem.Anyway,I enjoyed reading your poem here!
Keep it up,
Kudos,cheers
~Dark