Sunsets

Way to put life into perspective and give the sun more meaning. You pointed out the majesty of God and the beauty of a sunset very smoothly. As a christian you showed how we look at God, but you also showed how we should look at his world.

We had a deal, my sweet sorcerer, did we not?

I have to say, I am not going to nitpick this. Why? you may ask.

The answer is simple. I see here that you have many other reviews, and no doubt they have already picked this apart. I will simply tell you my take on it.

I love the rhymes. I adore rhymes. And therefor, I adore this poem. As a Christian, you did a wonderful job with the ending. We really need to remember just how much our earth is worth.

I do think that you should break this up into stanzas (this might have been said already but I wanted to say it just in case) it feels a little run on without them.

But, other than that, this was a really good, beautiful piece that I adored reading.

~Your Gothic Witch~

Hello Messenger,

This is Magenta here to review your poem, Sunsets, which I love by the way. I think they are absolutely gorgeous and I have on on my About Me section of my profile. Anyway, I am here to boost the team's points up with another review!

I see that you have made a rhyming poem. Coming up with a poem that rhymes isn't always an easy task. In some parts, the rhyming isn't as fluent as you want it to be which could be from one's mispronunciation of a word or confusion of how to pronounce a word. For example, fragile. Some say far-gile and others say frag-i-le. Anyway, good attempt with the rhyming there.

I am a bit confused on why you have them some words as links (that we can't get to) and are not separated from the previous word. It seems odd. But I am odd too so I guess that makes me odd and a hypocrite.

"Sunsets are beautiful as they spread across the sky.
The colors blend together to create a wonder to the eye.
The pink and yellow splash together,
As puffy white clouds float lazily by like a feather.
The sun rays point towards the endless sky,
They're golden stars with wings onthe fly."

This is my favorite part of the poem. I love the vocabulary and the imagery you were able to capture in this part. I can really see the sunset. I hope to see some more of your writing and I hope that you get your next blue star!

~ Magenta

i'm new here so ill try my best with this whole writing review things :p
i really like this! i think its beautifully written and i love the topic you chose to write about. I don't have anything bad to say about it and i did not find any errors in your grammer! my favorite lines were

And as each sunset bursts forth in shining rays,

I thank God for all the days

That He has given me on this beautiful earth,

And I realize how much it all is worth. And as each sunset bursts forth in shining rays,

I thank God for all the days

That He has given me on this beautiful earth,

And I realize how much it all is worth.


it shows you are grateful for the life you have and the earth you live on and i think more people should have positive thoughts like this. Great poem, keep writing(:

"The pink and yellow splash together,

As puffy white clouds float lazily by like a feather."

Chi, this is an awesome poem. I didn't know you wrote, really, until you told me about it last night. Anyway, I love the unique and original imagery you used. I didn't notice any glaring cliches, which are difficult to avoid, especially in poetry. This is a masterful poem, however, as you can see in what I have quoted above, the rhythm is a little out of whack. Your rhymes are very well-written, but because the rhythm is awkward in a few places, it kind of throws them off.

On the other hand, I love how vivid you are!

"But then those golden rays return,

The dark blue sky begins to burn."

I think this is my favorite phrase.

Well-done, cousin!

[ Edit ]

Derp. I meant to post this as a review.

One of three from your brothers (or sisters) in arms.

Biggest issue: Missed spacing. Watch your fingers when you type, and be sure to go back and check before you post it. Not trying to offend you Mess, but this is one mistake that none of us should be making.

Some of the lines were either short or long, and it seemed like you couldn't find the balance between the two. It really threw off the rhythm and made this a slightly weird read. Stanzas might be something to consider.

You narrative itself, however, is very good. We should thank God for all the days and sunsets that he has given us, and we should never forget what it is worth. (My favorite line, by the way.)

KT

Heyo this is aki, just wanted to tell you about my thoughts of this poem (please don't judge my language not quite good at this yet.).
To start with let me tell you that this poem is beutifull in so many diferent ways.
I love the pace you set thanks to the rhyme sceem, the words are well chosen giving impact to what you want usreaders to understand.
Reading this poem, you are really able to imagine the moment, the diferent colors and that feeling of loss when it disapears because we have all been able to witnessed this gift god has offered us therefor we are able to remenber that extrordinary moment.
I also admire this spiritual aspect you are able to give to the sunset, a kind of magic feeling.
This feeling of the sunset being superior but not in a way of taking over but especially in way of a present of the beauty of this world.

"May we never forget how much it’s worth. "
this last line makes us want to pine for those memories we wish to see this sunset so many times more therfor bringing us to read this poem a second time. (and for my case a 3rd :3 )

I have always asked myself why we couldn't be able to admire this beautifull sight forever .... but what would this beautifull sunset become if we were able to see it all the time?
Thankyou so much for this amazing poem, i really enjoyed it!
(hope this actually made sense ^^')

aki

Hey!! Knight Celestia here to review. Ok, so some of the first things I noticed was some typos that ran words together. Also, this doesn't really seem to have a stable rhythm all the time. I like the descriptive phrases and how you did really good at that without being too wordy. I love the theme you put in there about God being the reason we have all this and how you are thanking him. The rhyming is okay in most places, but could be improved. For your first try at poetry, (I think that's what you said, right?) I think it's really good. Keep writing!!

Hey! ajruby12 here! (I meant to do this review a while ago but didn't get around to it..)
Ok, first off... I noticed in multiple areas that you ran two words together. I suggest that be changed..
But outside of that, you did a very nice job in descriptive phrases and the rhyming is good (Although it could be improved in certain ways, I think.)
Overall, you did an excellent job! Keep up all the good work!

-Lady Ariana, The Silver Knight

I thought it was beautifully written, and I really don't have any thing bad to say. The only thing I would do different is to focus a little less on the rhyming, and more on the context, but you made it work, so that is just future advice. Keep writing - Hsarver

Okay, flow issues mainly. The first line of the second stanza is a little long, and that threw off the flow of that stanza. And the second line of the fourth stanza is just a beat too short.
Overall I liked the vivid imagery and feel of this poem. It does a great job of creating a realistic image in the reader's mind, and keeps the focus where it belongs. Very nicely done.

Review done for the Fellows in Arms Challenge, pending Knighthood.

I really like this poem.It put a beautiful image in my mind.There really isn't much to complain about here.The only bad thing I see in this poem is in the first line of the second stanza.All you need to take that s off of smother and it should be okay.Other than that the poem was absolutely amazing.You're really good at creating a picture in someone's head.To me whether someone is writing a poem or a story they should always find a way to pull the reader in and make them feel almost apart of the poem or story.That's exactly what you did.To be honest I think you have a true gift.I really want to read some of your other work so I will follow you c: Another thing that I want to say about this particular piece is how you decided to incorporate a religious yet earthy feeling into it.It really shows you love for god and how thankful you truly are for something as simple as a beautiful sunset.I can tell from this poem that you probably love the small things in life.A lot a people aren't like this anymore.I think there should be more people like that.Again I just want to tell you that this was wonderful and you did a great job c:

I like the edits! The stanza breaks really helped, too.

In the first line, you have "across the sky" and then in the third you have "across the sky" again. I'd change one of those.
"As puffy white clouds float lazily by like a feather. " I love this line; lovely imagery with the feather, and good adjective choice, especially with 'puffy'. I also love the next line where you mention the sun rays pointing. I'd take out the 'as if they were' of the sixth line and just put 'they're'; it'd still make sense without it as a metaphor instead of a simile and they just feel a bit wordy and unneeded. Also, that would get rid of the tense disagreement, of the 'were' and then the 'now' in the next line.
"For the beauty of the earth we've never deserved" I suggest changing never to ne'er. The line feels a bit bulky right now and I think that would help smooth it out. If not, try to find a different way to eliminate a syllable.
"I sit awed and stilled and wowed." That. Is. Beautiful. Love that line.
"And as if with them all hope is gone" I would again consider taking out the 'as if', not only because it's wordy but also because it's a bit confusing on the grammatical side. (Might just be me.)
In the last half, you begin a few too many lines with 'and.'

Now that I'm done with nitpicks, I'd like to say that I really love this. You've got a lot of nice meaning, the flow is good besides the places I mentioned that were wordy, and it's an awesome message. You also do really well moving from thought to thought throughout the poem, so good job with that.
The first line doesn't do the poem justice. The poem has some awesome imagery and great metaphors, but the first line doesn't really show any of that; beautiful doesn't really give me any description.

I adore the voice of the poem; it's kind of casual but it's an awe-inspired casual, if that makes sense? I don't know how to describe it, but it works and don't change it.

Consider breaking the poem into stanzas. It's fine if you don't, but at this length, you should definitely think about it.

Hope this review helped! I really liked it; sorry I got so nitpicky!
-tgirly

Hey Malachi! Pompadour here for a review.
I liked the idea behind your poem and how you chose to execute it, I really do. But I feel that your rhyming was a bit forced in places. For example:
"
The pink and yellow shine together,

As puffy white clouds float lazily like a feather.

The second line doesn't really "go" with the first. While the other is much shorter, the other seems awkwardly long beside it. It seems as if you just wrote the second line to make it rhyme with the first. Try reading it out loud. It seems a bit weird, no? You could add a bit to the first line so that it goes better with the second, like: " The pink and yellow streaks diffuse together/ As puffy white clouds float lazily like a feather."

You might also want to correct this:
"
The sunrays point towards the endless sky,

As if golden stars with wings on the fly.

"sunrays" should be "sun rays." They're two different words. And it should be "As if THEY WERE..." instead of just "As if."

Then there's this:
"
Now the darkness comes and begins smothers it all,

As there I sit and I recall,"
It should either be "begins to smother" or simply "smothers."

Good work! Keep writing, and I hope this review helped.
~Pompadour

Hi Malachi,here is Dark to give review on your wonderful poem.

I really like your piece of imagination here to describe how beautiful is sunset is.Diction chosen by you is very unique and more tilted to the meaning of connotations.Also I like how you use the literature styles here to make your poem more interesting to read.
e.g:simile-->As puffy white clouds float lazily like a feather. (a statement where you say one object is similar to another object.)
You also just created some senses to the reader here,using your words to describe sunset.As people always says that poetry should stimulate six senses.(hardest part)

1.sight-->Sunsets are beautiful as they spread across the sky.
2.touch--->As puffy white clouds float lazily like a feather.-->I felt like i can touch the feather here.
3. kinesiology (motion)-->..spread across the sky.

Anyway,there is some lines that I think 'out of title' here.But I love the end when you makes people realize that God gives it all to us.Good job,keep it up!
~kudos
~Dark.

Hey there! Cailey here for a review since you've given me so many.

So, first off, I really liked the point you were making with this poem. I enjoyed the ending and the way you're not just writing a meaningless poem- but you're challenging the reader to consider the earth and not just take it for granted but to thank God for it. That's really cool, and often we don't thank God enough.

Also, I love sunsets, and they do always make me feel extra poetic and inspired. So nice job of topic choice.

However, sunsets are also something that have been written about a lot- because they are so beautiful- so you need to be careful to stay away from clichés. This is definitely a good poem, but it isn't as unique as it could be. I think you should try and find more concrete descriptions. Make this poem stand out as yours, so that it doesn't just blend in with all the other sunset poems.

Along with that, be careful of rhyming. Sometimes rhymes add a really nice touch, but sometimes they make a poem feel really repetitive and unoriginal (trust me, I say this from experience; I am certainly guilty of these sins)
So make sure that you aren't trying to hard to just follow the rhyme.

My main advice is to go and add some more detail and imagery. Instead of just saying that the colors blend together, tell me what colors. I mean, I know you mentioned pink and yellow, but add more metaphors and similes. Like the way you compared the clouds to feathers, that was really good.

See if you can do the same with the colors, add more examples and descriptions and maybe comparisons.

Anyway, I hope this helps and doesn't sound harsh. Let me know if you ever need anything or have any questions. And of course, keep writing!

Hello~
I'm here to review your poem.

Things I liked about this:
-I liked the main message of thanking God for what he has given you
-I liked your descriptions of sunsets, they were very vivid
-I liked some of your rhymes
-I like your word choices, such as "smothered." You had some great sensory details.

Some things I didn't like:
-Your rhymes seemed forced in some places, such as " The darkness comes and smothers it all/As there I sit and I recall." I especially didn't like this rhyme, because it seems to me (correct me if I'm wrong) that you never say WHAT you recall. Also, "And as I think of all he’s done/ I think of all that I have won." I usually associate "winning" with achievement which is kind of opposite from thanking God. Human achievement is like "I did this incredible feat. All by my self. With no help from God." I know you did this to rhyme, which is why the rhyme felt forced to me. I'd rethink every single one of your lines and say to yourself, "Did I put this here to rhyme, or because I actually wanted to put this into the poem in the first place?" You may find you want to rhyme only every other line or something.
-I miss rhythm in this, but I feel that would only encourage you to inhibit yourself even more in what you actually mean to say.
-Some things felt a bit cliche, but I really can't help you with that.
-I was cringing when I thought of people who aren't religious reading this. I don't know how they would react, but obviously this IS geared toward a religious audience so I guess I shouldn't be too worried.

I really did like this poem. Good job, Keep writing!
~fortis

Hey there.
What a really nice poem. The theme and idea of your poem is splendid. There were no grammatical errors so far and the choice of words were astounding.
You have done an awesome job seeing that a lot of us doesn't have the time to sit down, look at everything God has bestowed on us and thank Him. Your flow of the poem is good, no misplaced punctuation marks, too. But take note of the common noun you used for God.
"I thank God for all the days


That he has given me on this beautiful earth,"
Capitalize the "he", please?
Also, the syllable count of the lines in the poem sounded edgy and stretched. Some are short, some sounds too long. Work on that, okay?
One of the rhyming sounded off, too. This line, "And in my heart I am stirred,

For the beauty of the earth we have not deserved."
That's all. Great job! Keep it up my friend