When I was a kid my future was bright, like stars in the night
They were scattered on the ceiling, and they extracted a feeling,
a warmth a glow, a feeling I don't quite know
how to write or sing, and over time they lost their bling.
☆
I moved away to school, had my heart broken too.
And when I came back home and I got my old room
I saw the stars had been marred, light bottled in a jar
☆
Sad as it was, I resolved that night
that I wouldn't fade, that I would fight
I'd scrape my heart off the floor, paint off the ceiling
I'd keep dreaming and running after that feeling
☆
Will I find that feeling, I don't know,
but I will do my best to be that glow
cuz' if I learned one thing over all those years,
stars still shine through all your tears
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141,881 Literary Works • 676,035 Reviews
I like your poem. Your poem gives a serene feeling. from the first paragraph, the second line, the "extracted" word feels a little off for this poem's tone. It would be good if you clarified "paint off the ceiling" in the third paragraph.
Overall, it's good. Reminds me of my childhood. I too used to have them in my room.
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First of all, I really liked the story you told though this poem. I used to have those glow-in-the-dark stars in my room and loved watching them as I fell asleep. Really cool metaphor for growing older. I think we all have an inner child that still loves those stars.
For critiques there were a few places where the flow and rhymes were a bit off.
"a warmth a glow, a feeling I don't quite know" you used the word feeling as the end of your previous rhyme which disrupted the flow a bit (otherwise good).
In your second paragraph I couldn't tell what the rhyme or tempo was.
In your last paragraph I really liked your last line (very inspirational) but the previous line is so long that it messes with the tempo/rhythm of the poem. Perhaps adding a pause with a comma after "thing" and "shine" in the last two lines will help that.
Overall I really enjoyed the feeling in the poem and that last line especially gave me the desire to overcome. Great job!