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Emotional Sickness

by LMJRayner


I am

Happy,

The days are bright,

They show me so much,

But they won't last,

They never last.

I am

Afraid,

My phone vibrates in my pocket,

I needn't look at its cracked screen,

I've heard this song before,

to be friends, like we were ever friends.

I am

Alone,

I am falling,

The world watches,

As I tumble,

I am always falling.

I am

Sick,

My body rejects me,

It hates me,

I physically ache,

And I can’t control it.

I am

Crying,

She Loves me,

She Laughs at me,

She Ignores me,

She Forgets me.


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53 Reviews


Points: 419
Reviews: 53

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Mon Aug 26, 2013 10:56 pm
lyricalrebel says...



Hello! :)
Your poem shows a whirlpool of emotions and I like that kind of stuff but the thing is every line seems like fragment and your poem is composed in a strange yet nice way. Keep it up! :)




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34 Reviews


Points: 428
Reviews: 34

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Mon Aug 26, 2013 11:27 am
Sparkle wrote a review...



Hi! Sparkle here to review!

This is a very emotionally dense poem. I agree with the previous reviewer that the formatting is interesting and visually appealing.

In this poem you capitalize every line. I think it would flow smoother and give the reader a bit of a break visually if you didn't capitalize lines unless you needed to. I love the last four lines capitalized, though. It gives them a kind of wham, punch-you-in-the-face affect. This might be achieved even better if you made them all into individual sentences instead of using commas.

Great job, I like this poem a lot. It is relatable and cleverly written.

I hope this helped!

Keep writing!




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46 Reviews


Points: 1396
Reviews: 46

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Mon Aug 26, 2013 4:01 am
Xreigon wrote a review...



Hmmmm...an interesting concept. I like the way that you formatted this. In poetry, formatting, capitalization, and punctuation can create a whole new depth to a piece.

Some of your lines, though, broke the flow of the piece and kept me from really understanding what you were talking about. For example, in the second stanza, the lines, "I've heard this song before, to be friends, like we were ever friends," did not really make sense to me (the reader, the audience). Perhaps, if this poem is based off a personal experience, they make sense to you, but they seem a bit random. It is up to you whether or not you change them because I don't know the story behind this poem. That is only what I am seeing as the reader.

Other than that, I liked your poem! It brings up emotion and that is always a good thing for a poem to do. Keep writing!

--Xreigon





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