Young Writers Society

Hi, there!

SlushySlapped here to review, as promised!

So, poetry really isn't my thing, but I'm going to give you the best feedback I can...

I really liked this! Especially this line.

Cruelty passing through with disregard of its damage, they have no choice but to let it pass.

You can't replace who you are. Or can you?

Hey there! Cailey here from the Lantern world to review for you.

Before I forget, I loved this line:
The wonders of the universe tainted by the madness.

Okay, so I liked this, you have a great idea here with the thought of what your eyes do and see and how every part of you is affected by it.

I thought your formatting was interesting, I couldn't decide if I liked it or not. It doesn't seem as poetic arranged this way, but at the same time it is chaotic and wild like the universe you are describing.

You say good with a pinch of bad and then compare it to salt in soup, but I don't know if that's the best comparison. I mean, salt isn't necessarily bad, right? And usually soup needs salt in order to taste good. So, are you saying that the world needs this pinch of bad. maybe. maybe the bad is what makes it good.

I must admit I could not find the point of this. Is it more just observations? Or is the whole thing leading up to that point where you ask whether we can actually replace who we are?
And are you saying that we should do this if we can, replace ourselves, or are you saying that we just become who the world and the things we see make us, without doing anything?

Try to clear up those questions, if you can. I don't have too much to critique. But I hope that this does help in some way.

Also, I often tell poetry writers to put in more detail and imagery, but you did a really good job with this. I could really see the things you were writing about and that was great.

Any questions or comments feel free to ask, and as always, keep writing.

Cailey

Hi Rayner! Aquila here for a poem review!

Now I don't usually do poems but whatever. Your poem had me thinking and analyzing because it is quite abstract. It seems to refer to something intangible and something other worldly, like almost in a sci-fi way.

I tried second guessing the imagery and symbolism but I am still confused here because I don't have a distinct object or person I can relate to.

Okay let me try to review your poem through a formal and stylistic method I learnt centuries ago. *Ahem*

The non-existence of a rhyme seem to point to something unsettled, distant and chaotic. It is almost as if order cannot be put in at any point of the character's mind. The thoughts are racing and the very soul of the individual seem to be intruded.

The pentameters are varying from line to line, thus I can see the distorted visions of the character and his perception of the universe around him. He seems lost and without an anchor within his inner being.

Thus I concluded, without much evidence, that 'Twin Blues' is merely referring to the inner being, spirit or soul of the person. The consciousness. The sensing, judging and deep core of a human being. (Correct me if I'm wrong)

I feel more grounded toward my stance because of the words in the last 3 lines: it craves the colours and lights... ideals and morals...

And I feel it is a unique way to look at a soul as if it is unbreakable. Yet gets me thinking if it can even be replaced. To me it can change or get moulded, but its entirely up to the individual.

This is a unique expression of your views. But do consider your target audience if you plan to write something philosophical or reflective. Just in case your reader expects something very different from what you intend, you might want to include a brief foreword or description

Keep writing Rayner!

-Aquila

This poem leaves me with a wonderful sense of confusion. For me, that sense of confusion lifted on the last line, like a fog suddenly dissipating. I wasn't sure what the poem was about. I wasn't sure where it was going. But, on the last line, I felt I understood. It was very satisfying.

I was not sure who "they" refers to in the lines: "Ignoring nothing, discriminating nothing. They let my being absorb all that passes through.", and "Cruelty passing through with disregard of its damage, they have no choice but to let it pass."

Later, the poem shifts to "it", as in the lines "The poison and the magnificence having no effect. But it doesn't want this.", and "It craves the colours and the lights, the ideals and the morals. Hungering for more.".

I'm not who "they" and "it" reference. But, it is clearly something separate from "My", and "I". It evokes a sense of darkness outside the self. The poem uses words like "tainted", "Cruelty", "Corrupting", and "Poison" to evoke a sense of malevolence surrounding the author.

Wonderful work. Thanks for sharing it.