The 5th of September,
not a day to remember,
the sky was dreary and bland,
the air in the breeze was harsh like the sand,
the tune on the wind was not music to the ears,
the rain from above brought poor children to tears.
A day to be forgotten,
all molded and rotten,
a blink in the eye,
of every girl and every guy.
The gears of the world didn't pause or tremor,
absent were the words of glitz and of glamour,
the ground spun on it's axis without a spark or a quake,
the earth stayed mellow no reason to crack or to break,
no birthday cake or birthday cheers,
just long work days and a dead end career.
I'd met you before on a day like today,
but something was different I wasn't sure what to say,
you looked in my eyes those beautiful blue eyes,
that was the end the end of my cries.
I'll always remember,
the 5th of September.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I'll always remember the 4th of September as it's my birthday and happens before this sad day.
The beginning just set a great mood for the poem.
I imagine you mean poor children like unable to find shelter, thats just my take
"A day to be forgotten, all molded and rotten" I really enjoyed the flow here
I feel it losses a bit of steam here "the ground spun on it's axis without a spark or a quake,
the earth stayed mellow no reason to crack or to break"
It definitely picks back up at the end its a very strong last 4 lines
Good poem, with some work on punctuation and flow, i'm sure a great poem will emerge.
Keep writing!
JC
Thi poem is really great and right away there is a mood set that indicates a sadder tone. I enjoyed the way it flowed from line to line. Often times, people believe that a poem which rhymes is less mature than a non-rhyming poem. I disagree. I loved the way each line fell into the next and I feel the older writers get, the less they tend to use rhymes. Keep rhyming. It is a skill that will lead you through your writing career and make you stand out as a poet. Great job!
I might come back to review this but...
THE FIFTH OF SEPTEMBER IS MY BIRTHDAY. BIRTHDAY.
Hey, LMJRayner!
This is blackwater here for a review. First off, I'd like to point out how you haven't bothered to use any punctuations.
"the air in the breeze was harsh like the sand,"
The smilie you have used is totally inappropriate. I think you meant sandstorm and not sand.
"the tune on the wind was not music to the ears,"
I'd like to point out the wrong usage of preposition in the above line.
"all molded and rotten,"
I think you meant moulded and not "molded"
But overall, the poem has a beautiful ending to it. If only it had a little structure and better spellings, it would be astounding. It a beautiful piece of work from the heart's eye view but my aritwr's eye picks at imperfections and I hope you don't mind.
Remember never to give up on writing. Keep up the good work!
Anagha
Cheers for the review, poetry is very new to me at the moment so structure and rhyming are stuff I need to work on. I looked up the spelling of molded and it works both ways, they can both be spelled either way, I just went with the americanism.
Cheers,
LMJ
Hey, welcome to YWS. I'm @HomeschooledTeen, here to review your work.
Overall, as a whole, I liked this. You clearly write with emotion, and from the heart. Those are good qualities in a writer. There were, however, several thing that I would like to point out to you.
I thought that this was a good start, but I think that line 2 would benefit from an added syllable, such as the word 'is' in front of 'not'. Without an extra syllable, the line feels a little clunky to me. Flow is one of the things the reviewers look for in a poem. Your work here has pretty good flow, but there were several instances where it could be improved.
The reason that I'm quoting this here and not towards the end of the review is because it somewhat contradicts the beginning two lines. There you talk about how the date was not a date to remember, but here you say you will always do so.
Reading the lines above this one, it feels a little long. I personally think that you should omit 'and every' to help improve the flow.
You have pretty consistent rhymes throughout the work until this section. It just feels a little wrong.
Now, as I said before, I like this work. I do not however like your rhyme scheme. While the poem itself feels well written, the rhymes feel rather forced and all over the place with no set pattern.
Overall though, I thought that this was very good.
Now, let me just say that everything that I write in my reviews are intended to help you improve this particular work and those that you write in the future. They are suggestions, and if you choose not to listen to them I will not be offended. This is your work, and the choice is yours.
Peace,
HT
I wrote this on the train in a haste ha, it definitely needs reworking rhyming wise, thanks for the input.
LMJ