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18+ Language Mature Content

Chardonnay

by darkangel_05


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

And that is it.
Is that it?
I just finished drinking my wine
My wine
My wine?
Yes, my wine.
Yes, I stole it.
I just finished drinking the wine that I stole.
It took me six hours.
Fuck, not the stealing part!
That just took me
Three minutes.
Yes, it took me
Two minutes.
I am a quick thief, that is why it just took me
Five fucking minutes.
But it took me six hours to empty that goddamn bottle.
The bottle
It heard everything.
The bottle heard his—
No, my
Confessions.
The bottle heard my sins.
Should I keep it?
The bottle.
Should I keep it?
The bottle
It heard my sins.
Should I keep it?
The cork...
It feels good in my
Mouth


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Wed Jul 24, 2013 9:30 pm
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Sins wrote a review...



Hey darkangel, here to review as requested! Now I honestly have no idea if I'll be of any use here because poetry really isn't my thing, but I'll try my best to come up with some suggestions and critiques for you. No promises though!

Right so I really enjoyed this poem overall, and I love the way you portray drunkness through the narrative. Your narrator seems pretty disorientated and slightly childish, which I actually really like. I love how there's a sort of underlying darkness in this as well because despite the narrator's amusing voice, there's clearly something more sinister behind it all. He's a thief for starters, plus he gives the impression that he's revealed some dark confessions to the bottle. A really neat, interesting idea, methinks. Simple, but I like the simplicity, plus simplicity is good for someone like me who has the attention spam and intelligence of a dead goldfish.

As for critiques, I can't really think of anything major, plus your previous reviewers have done a good job. I don't want to repeat what they've all said, so I'll see if I cna think of anything else. Hmmmm... okay. While I did like the simplicity of this poem, I can't help feeling that I want a bit more with regards to description. I don't want you to give me elaborate details of everything, and I don't want to know absolutely everything either because that would be boring. As the title of this poem is the wine itself, I'd like more details and description on that.

What did the wine taste like? Was it sweet? What did it feel like? Did it fizzle in his throat? Was the bottle icy? Was it warm? What did it smell like? Don't be afraid to play around with the senses is what I'm basically trying to say, I guess. Obviously you wouldn't just call it warm and sparkly, you'd come up with a far more interesting description, but do you see what I mean? I just think that this poem would benefit from more focus and pizzazz regarding descriptions and what not, plus I would like to know a bit more about the wine. If it was worth stealing and all that jazz.

That's all I really have for you! Sorry it's not much, but I hope I've been at least kind of helpful. I really did like this poem overall, and I love the quirkiness and originality surrounding the narrator's voice. If you have any questions or comments regarding this review, please don't hesitate to let me know. Shoot me a PM, post on my wall, reply to this review, whatever takes your fancy. I'll be more than happy to answer any questions, comments, or concerns you have regarding anything.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




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Tue Jul 23, 2013 8:55 pm
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inkwell wrote a review...



Repeating "my wine" three or four times at the start of your poem is a bad way to start your poem.

Adding an emphatic "yes" or "no" to the beginning of your lines is rather weak.

Unless you're Allen Ginsberg, avoid profanity or use it humorously.

Everyone likes Chardonnay though. Perhaps this is more of an oral poem, and needs to be heard.

As an exercise, I'd suggest writing about the bottle itself, maybe the flavor of Chardonnay. Why was it stolen, or perhaps more importantly, why should we care that it was stolen?




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Sun Jul 21, 2013 2:02 pm
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Hannah wrote a review...



I love the experimentation in this work. I love the rawness of it; it feels like it someone is just sitting there, at the other side of my kitchen table, talking to me without looking at me, just spilling words out and knowing I'll listen. I really love the ending. I don't think I necessarily get the narrative that you might be trying to hint at, but I am having fun with the emotions that rise to the surface: the feeling of just teetering over the edge to drunkenness and the way your mouth opens wide and you take things in a little bit more like a child. You can let things go and blame it on the alcohol. Haha. Oh! Too much information about myself.

So, there were some parts that I didn't think were as impressive, of course.
This section in particular was rough, maybe childish or timid compared to the rest:

It took me six hours.
Fuck, not the stealing part!
That just took me
Three minutes.


I love the repetition of the time that comes afterward, so I don't think you should mess with the last line of this section, but the syntax of the sentences before that are weird. "It took me six hours" seems focused on keeping track of time, which doesn't really seem to fit with this idea of sprawling dialogue and thoughts. It seems like something that wouldn't even occur to the speaker. Maybe if you phrased it in a different way. Maybe if you said it felt like six hours. That way it would still be in the I-don't-know-anything-really-I'm-drunk kind of speech.

Also, that random "f***" feels out of place. I know sometimes we just BREAK OUT with a word like that, and it feels realistic, but it doesn't match the flow of your piece. You're trying to describe a realistic scene, but you don't have to stick exactly to a perfectly real script, otherwise you're a transcriber, not a writer, yes? Also, the introduction of the stealing is really awkward. Like we should have already known that fact, but we didn't. Maybe there's a different way to introduce that she stole it. Would she brag about it? Would she hide the evidence?

Hopefully these thoughts were helpful to you.
I'd like to see a future version if you do end up making edits.
PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review, please.
Good luck and keep writing!




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Sat Jul 20, 2013 2:22 am
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heisenberg wrote a review...



Hello there.

First off, i really enjoyed the style of this poem. It was fresh, slightly psychotic, and incredibly interesting. I'm not sure if the protagonist is suppose to be drunkenly arguing with him/her self or if the conversation is taking place on a deeper level, but either way it was interesting.

Despite the short lines and simple sentences, the poem still contained a certain imagery. I saw a small and quick person moving in and out of a liquor store; a small but angry person sitting and drinking from the wine bottle. By the end i even got the sense of a person deeply troubled.

I am no master poet. Therefore i can not find much i would hope to change about this poem.

I very much enjoyed it, and hope to read more.




darkangel_05 says...


Thank you for the review! :D




Once I had asked God for one extra or two extra inches in height but instead he made me as tall as the sky, so high that I could not measure myself.
— Malala